Can Life Lessons Be Taught?

When my mentor, Norm Ferzoco, died I felt a strong sense of responsibility to pay his mentoring forward. Despite freely honoring his legacy for the past two years, I have been deeply pondering whether we can actually spare others from the wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.

As I reflect upon whether my roles as a leader, mentor and teacher make a difference, I keep circling back to the quotation that I use in lieu of a long bio when leading training sessions:

Experience is the name that we have given our MISTAKES.~unknown.

I follow by saying…and I have a lot of experience. Of course, meaning twenty-plus years of mistakes!

But IS it possible to relay hard-earned wisdom (mistakes) to shorten learning curves and prevent painful pitfalls, bumps and bruises OR must people learn from the direct experience of their own mistakes?

Consider these “top-of-mind” life lessons along with your own to test your theory:

1. People may not remember the specifics of what we do or say (or even our names) but they never forget how we made them feel.

2. Our most important learning often occurs during adversity or times of great duress; or the opposite of when we are, as the saying goes, “fat, dumb and happy”.

3. We rarely know how important family is, or find out whom our real friends are, until we are up against hard times.

4. We don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.  A previous post discusses our lack of objectivity due to every day bias because our perceptual filters create a lens of interpretive bias through which we see our individual reality.  Because the lens of the masses is a kaleidoscope, objectivity demands that we look at a prism of perspectives – not just our monochromatic reality.

5. Emotional contagion is real! When we are happy to see others they become  happy to see us – the same goes for greeting people with a flat affect and more.

6. It is human to lack appreciation for things that are handed to us. Conversely, striving for a prize that is withheld for too long, can suck the joy out of finally receiving it.

7. Much of early adulthood is spent trying to prove something to ourselves, our parents and family. A lack of self-awareness about our motivational drive can land us in a miserable job, loveless marriage and/or serious debt.

8. Avoid people who have acquired worldly success but haven’t gotten over themselves.

9. There’s a precarious balance being humble and becoming a doormat as well as being assertive and coming off as an ass.

10. Validation is magic!  Human potential blooms like petals under the light of acknowledgement and warmth of praise.  To change behaviors – shine a light on what is right.

11. Innate curiosity and a desire to grow often trumps advanced degrees and pedigrees. Both are great, if I can hire only one, give me the former over the latter any day!

12. Success is not for “other” people.  The most famous and together people on the planet have their issues, problems and foibles.  Most of them simply wanted it more, knew the right people and/or had opportune timing.

13. Refuse to think that you are superior or inferior to anyone who knows or has more/less than you – learn from all of them.

This baker’s dozen contains a few things that I “know” from direct experience – could anyone have merely told me? Would hearing the the lessons help if only to raise a warning flag or to validate intuition – or was Marcel Proust right?

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” ~Marcel Proust

• What do you think?
• Did you learn from “wisdom” that was passed down?
• Do you have lessons to share?

When Smart People Make Jackass Moves

When was the last time that you said or did something that you later regretted?

You know…the slammed door, mean-spirited exchange or angry email that made you wonder, “What the hell was I thinking”? The simple answer is you weren’t – knee-jerk reactions have little to do with thinking.

People with the highest to lowest IQs are equally subject to the knee-jerk faux pas that make them act like jackasses at times – but why?

Regardless of IQ, human brains are  wired to react emotionally before thinking rationally:

- a tremendous survival advantage in prehistoric times when in the blink of an eye, we had to judge friend or foe and fight or flight.

- a career and relationship disadvantage in today’s complex world of subtle threats.  Just consider the implications of our immediate reaction to judge something as good or bad in the rapid-fire and impersonal digital age… and viola, the birth of the angry email or terse text. Often, a jackass move on our part  generates a jackass move by the person on the receiving end of our kick and before we know it, we’re at the head of a jackass conga line!

We can forgive ourselves for being human but we can’t be excused – the ability to manage our emotions is what prevents crimes of passion, broken relationships and career-limiting moves.

Just as an angry email may live on in print forever, our words and behaviors become etched in the hearts and minds of those on the receiving end of them. We can always apologize but we can never erase a jackass move.

How do you tame a knee-jerk reaction before it becomes a jackass move?

A favorite of mine: If I can’t acknowledge the negative reaction and let it go, I allow myself to vent in an angry mail – using the MS Outlook ‘options’ feature, I  send it  myself (only) to read early the next day.  With fresh eyes I’ve been surprised and amused by how hard the ol’ jackass was kicking.

Life Equals Risk: Fear and Risk Tolerance (part 2)

“No passion so effectively robs the mind of all of its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” ~Edmund Burke

Why do some people spend their lives wishing for something while others are living their dreams?

Ronald Heifetz, professor at Harvard University’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, answers by saying,  “Making real decisions and taking real risks requires freedom – freedom from the loyalties, expectations and fears that inevitably fog our risk-vs.-reward equation.  Peoples’ choices to take or refrain from risk are over-determined by their culture.” Professor Heifetz’s quotation about culture determining risk tolerance is provocative but only scratches the surface.

Is there something beyond culture that makes some people more willing to act on their wishes – to take more risks than others?

Psychologists have theories but now geneticists are weighing in. The BusinessWeek article, Innate Risk-Takers introduces the book, “Born Entrepreneurs, Born Leaders: How Your Genes Affect Your Work Life”.  The title may lead us to believe that entrepreneurs are hard-wired for leadership and risk but the story and theory don’t end there.  Our genes may impact in-born behavioral styles but we humans are far too complex for sweeping genetic generalizations – nature and nurture play very important roles.  A single source, book or risk-taking assessment cannot identify your true risk-taking style, much less how you react to various risk situations.

To begin to illustrate this complexity,  I’ll disclose a few high and low risk tolerance traits (as described by the books) and how nature/nurture contribute to my personal risk tolerance. 

Please use the bullets as a prompt to consider factors that may impact your risk tolerance.

I’m risk-tolerant - by the books, because:

• I’m at my best under pressure – enjoyed emergency ambulance work.
• Enjoys speed, rollercoasters, and had a (before parenthood) desire to skydive.
• Primarily exhibits “Dominance” and “Influence” behavioral styles in work environments (they love spontaneity, fast pace, risks and challenge)
• Those with the birth sign of Aries are known for adventure, pioneering, optimism and risk-taking.

I have always considered myself risk-tolerant, yet just yesterday, my husband described me as risk-averse!  It surprised me but made sense at the same time. Here’s why it’s not so simple:

I’m risk-averse - by the books, because:

• I like surprises…just not bad ones.  My mind works to troubleshoot what can go wrong with anything/everything – I want to be prepared.
• Moving from middle class to relative poverty as a child created strong financial sensibilities. I don’t worship money and I don’t waste it.
• When I’m not in the role of boss, my “Dominance” behavioral style is replaced with “Steadiness” and “Conscientiousness” (full focus on helping.  I can be spontaneous but prefer to research decisions and to plan)
• Working in allied health and having a child with dairy anaphylaxis has made me keenly aware of risks that others may not consider – hence, more cautious.

~ What is your mix of risk-tolerance and risk-averse nature/nurture traits?

~ How did my risk tolerance equation factor in the biggest risk that I have personally taken…leaving a six-figure salaried job and starting my own business in 1997 as a single mother with no other source of income?

For me, risk tolerance is largely about fear management.

I was only able to manage the fear with an equal mix of:

using my head – following my heart – and trusting my gut.

Please share your ideas and experience and/or read part 1:

• When have you felt the fear and decided to do it anyway?
• What did you learn about risk, fear and yourself?

Who is Defining Your Success? Part 2

According to Pew research

80% of 19 – 25 year olds see getting rich

as a top life goal for their generation.

Next is being famous at 51% followed by helping the needy at 30% and being a leader at 22%.

Society complains that Gen X or Y feel so entitled but fails to convict itself of its role in creating an altered reality.  Through no fault of their own many children of the 80′s were handed luxury and steeped in keeping up with the Joneses.  The decade of excess epitomized by the 1980′s in America (sometimes dubbed the decade of greed) seriously skewed our ideas about success.  Young adults were no longer satisfied living in a split-level or ranch homes that they grew up in but built executive homes, put their children in designer clothing and more.  On page 33 of his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You”?, Paul Stiles states:

“Since the 1980s, American personal savings rates have been going down while personal income has risen and credit card debt has tripled.”

If adults fell prey to the messages, consider how firmly entrenched the entitlement mindset might be for those born during that time.  It’s true: Children learn what they live and those who are  late Gen X and all of Gen Y have never known any other way of thinking or being.

In part I of this series we examined how something as fundamental as how the very definition of the word success; initially meaning achieving a goal, had devolved to become about material wealth.  The the clip by Alain DeBotton urged us to consider how we “suck in” our ideas of success from outside sources. What we are experiencing is a potentially dangerous mind meme – the belief that success means money, prestige and status has gone viral.  The problem with any meme is that we are often unaware of its impact on our thoughts, values and behaviors. This unchecked meme is dangerous because it’s at the root of so much unnecessary suffering – personal debt, low self-esteem, corporate greed, mistrust, political backstabbing, stress, and depression – among a few.

Stiles provides an example of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs when he states:

“Money only buys happiness up to a point. Once you have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and food on the table, multiple sources suggest that all the money in the world will not make you a bit happier.  Ironically, beyond a certain point, money actually buys unhappiness.  After a basic standard of material well-being, happiness comes from family and friends, marriage, leisure activities, and the nature of your work.  Ironically, these are all negatively impacted by the excessive pursuit of money, which creates stress, steals family time, alters moods, and breeds friction”…Oh, yeah and also that deathbed regret thing.

The point is that being infected with the meme (previously dubbed “Affluenza”) of never having or being enough can make us miserable, so why DO we accept it as a part of life – like the common cold?  Especially since unlike the common cold, we can inoculate ourselves to the meme by mindfully choosing what success means to each of us.  Getting inoculated means that when we become the authors of our own ambition, if we come down with an occasional case of piggy-itis, we aren’t likely to suffer unduly or succumb to it.

So what do you think?  Do you feel the tug, get sucked-in from time-to-time, or still grapple with your personal definition of success?  Please offer your thoughts and take this 30 second poll to identify your “top-o-mind” idea of  success – if you answer “other” to the poll choices, a quick comment below will be illuminating and most appreciated.

Who is Defining Your Success? Part I

What IS Success?

A “Think Quick” challenge: Right this second, can you state your definition of success?

Most people think they know but few are able to define what success really means when applied to their own lives. And if YOU can’t define it, then WHO IS defining it for you?

If you can’t DEFINE success – how can you DESIGN success?

This quick clip (<2 minutes) of a TED talk by Alain DeBotton creates a great springboard to consider what YOUR idea of success is.

In view of DeBotton’s point about who creates our ideas of success, consider the Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition:

1 -  obsolete: outcome, result
2  – degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 -  one that succeeds

I was both surprised and saddened to see how the original, now obsolete definition  has evolved (or devolved) from generic goal achievement to encompass fortune and/or fame. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with fortune or fame. Like DeBotton, I’m very interested in success. What I’m proposing is that success as defined by worldly standards is often at the root of many a deathbed regret. We simply need to have clarity around what we truly value in order to define success in our own terms.

In his book, Is the American Dream Killing You? Paul Stiles eloquently captures this: “Success in America is neither moral or spiritual nor intellectual nor artistic these days, but financial. Unsure of what they stand for, people rely on money as the criterion for value…people deserve respect and admiration because they are rich. What used to be a medium of exchange has usurped the place of fundamental values…the cult of success has replaced a belief in principles.”

Many who have never questioned or defined success strive to “live the dream” only to awaken to the nightmare of a self-imposed prison consisting of a burn-out job to pay for a big mortgage, serious credit card debt and/or an empty family life. DeBotton talks about the “notion of work-life balance nonsense” – that we can’t have it all and I quite agree.  That’s exactly why clarity is vital to prevent burnout and/or rude wake-ups from what we thought was “our” dream.  He urges us to be the authors of our own ambition by probing to ensure that our ideas of success are truly our own.

Some folks want to simply hire a coach to tell them how to be successful but this work cannot be delegated. Trying to hire-out defining and designing your success is like asking a cleaning service to clear out your closet. Only YOU can… make the tough decisions, know your style, try things on to see what fits and let go of what you need to discard!

Have you defined success in your own terms? If so, please comment about:

• how your idea of success has changed
• who previously formed your ideas of success
• your commitment to defining and designing it for yourself.

Then answer the questions that follow to refine or define what success means to you.

Answering the questions isn’t easy but it’s pivotal to long-term happiness and the ability to live with purpose and on purpose. It requires that you stop putting one foot in front of the other  – that you take a step back to observe and reflect. This quote sums it up:

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.

The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.   ~Mark Twain

So…let’s begin proving Mark Twain wrong. Start with a blank sheet of paper and use Webster’s definition #3,“one that succeeds”- begin to define:

What IS success in each of the main categories of life?

1. Family
2. Health
3. Finance
4. Job or Career
5. Personal: spiritual, friendships, hobbies
6. Community, etc.

- Where does the successful you prioritize your time?

- What are you known as, or for, in each category?

- How does the successful you look, walk, think, and talk like in each category?

- How can you integrate those to create some semblance of work-life balance? What do you need to let go?

IF you’re serious about doing the work, you’re on your way to becoming the architect of your job and life.  Start your list and keep it handy for further thought and reflection – maybe transfer it to an index card that you can easily post to consider throughout the day and weeks ahead.  Read part 2 to further explore the implications and definitions of success.

Are Your Values Deal Makers or Breakers? (part 1)

Thk over your lifetime of friendships, romantic relationshis, and jobs.
If you list deal makers that created or sustained them and the deal breakers that eroded or destroyed them, you may be very surprised by the trends that emerge.  Those trends will identify what you really value.

I’m not speaking of  what your ideals or beliefs tell you that you should value but what you uniquely value – what best suits YOU and keeps you in the game (job or relationship) over the long haul.

When you clarify what you value (read “need”) you learn the strategy to play your cards right.  You can live with purpose and on purpose because you know what sparks the fire in your belly, gives you the mojo that makes you eager to come home each night, get up in the morning, and sing in the shower…okay, nix the shower bit because sometimes you just need to belt one out for no good reason!

But seriously, this simple exercise can be wildly eye-opening and only takes a minute to set up.  So ‘cmon, print the PDF or grab a blank sheet of paper to get started identifying your values.

1. Print this Values Exercise page or create your own sheet in the same format.

2. Decide whether to focus on Job or Relationship or both.

3. GOAL: Identify trends in your deal makers and breakers.  Consider every meaningful relationship or job that you walked (or ran) away from. Deal Makers: What drew you and kept you (perhaps too long) and Deal Breakers what ultimately broke the bond or caused you to end it? 

Trending Tip: List adjectives  in each column, e.g. opportunity, material things, safety, belonging, nuturing/love, personal growth or self-actualization, etc.  You don’t need to use the example words per se, just try to use similar words (where relevant) to faciliate ease of trending.  A bit like sorting and organizing the cards in your hand by color and suit, e.g. red, black, hearts, diamonds, spades, and clubs so that you know what you’re holding and how to play them.

If you’re doing the exercise now, take 10 – 15 minutes for reflection and if later, just create the page and put it in a prominent place for reference.  Reflect upon the hand that you’ve been dealt and which cards you have thrown into the discard pile over the years. What you trend may be as rewarding as it is shocking – I experienced a relationship values breakthrough that changed my life.

When you have clarity around your deal makers and  breakers it’s easier to find work that feels more like play and  relationships that don’t feel like work.

This simple but powerful exercise can help you to play your cards right.   I cannot encourage it enough so I’ll tell you what… create your lists and if you show me yours ( just comment about your experience) I’ll show you mine!

Is There a Formula for Job and Life Succcess?

JobLife Architects want to know… can job achievement and life happiness co-exist a well-adjusted and fulfilled person?

A 72 year-old study provides us with a glimpse into some of the answers.  Harvard researchers began following 268 (male sophomores including John F. Kennedy and Ben Bradlee) who entered Harvard in the late 1930s.  These were men that already “had it made” by most societal standards.  But the study’s goal was not to see how the well-adjusted, affluent and educated would fare, but rather, to see how their lives would play out and what factors really impacted happiness or success over time.  The study was followed these men for 72 years, allowing data to be gathered as the study participants went through life stages beginning with their sophomore year of college and (including for some: war, careers, marriages and divorces, parenthood and grandparenthood, and now for those still alive, old age)  up to death. Here, for the first time, we can learn from one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history, The Grant Study delves deeply into what really matters at the end of each day and at the end of our lives.

David Brooks writes of the study in his Opinion article “They Had It Made” published in “The New York Times” and summarizes:  ” A third of the men would suffer at least one bout of mental illness. Alcoholism would be a running plague. The most mundane personalities often produced the most solid success. One man couldn’t admit to himself that he was gay until he was in his late 70s.   Author Joshua Wolf Shenk was permitted access to the study archives – his findings and thoughts are published in “The Atlantic” in an essay, “What Makes Us Happy?”

The articles beg the questions that only we can answer for ourselves:

At the end of our days and lives we will only have deathbed regrets if we discover that we spent our lives living someone else’s idea of success.

What does success mean to you?

• Is success more about material goods, achievement, happiness or some mix thereof?

What is the cost of living a life unexamined?

• How might taking the time for reflection and self-awareness have benefited the Grant Study participants who seemingly had it all?
  

See “Who is Defining Your Success” Part I to begin to define your own ideas of success.