Coming OUT – It’s Not Just for Gays

I’ve been thinking a lot about living with transparency in a world that judges those who don’t fit-in.  That’s because nearly a year ago, I set a stretch goal of living and working with audacious authenticity.

As I reflect upon my big “coming out” I bask in the acceptance I felt when others were validating the 360 degree me but feel the sting of rejection by those who don’t accept me simply because I’m not just like them.  The bonus is that I’m really not all that different! That’s my big ah ha – how daunting it is to live in audacious authenticity in a harsh world.  I’m awestruck when I consider how my experience is dwarfed by the bravery of those who take the real leap of coming out. The concept of “coming out” is intended to “out” the violence of “judging” that encourages some to fear and hate those who are different and forces others to live a lie of fitting-in.

When I felt push-back for being me I became keenly aware of the harsh rejection of those who differ from the mainstream.

So I’m pushing back. Posturing and posing are often a suffocating mask – why do we feel forced to wear them? Do we even acknowledge wearing the mask of the totally together, cool kid to hide our perceived blemishes as well as our beauty?

• How much of your real self do you stuff in the closet because you fear being judged or rejected?
• What percentage of your day and life are you wearing your mask?
• How much energy does it take to maintain “the act”?

So here’s my proposition – come out, come out, whoever you are:

The brave service to our children and the evolution of the world is to live in audacious authenticity.  We need to be role models – to stop teaching our children how to “act” and begin showing them how to “be”.

Instead of teaching them to judge others and pose for acceptance through a veneer of labels, lets help them to see individuals.  When we do, we free our children to learn from the best of humanity and we free ourselves from the self-imposed prison that binds us from living authentically.

It’s not an understatement to say that the world can profoundly benefit if we reveal our genuine spirit – how else can we learn from our collective greatness and frailties in a way that unites and elevates everyone? The more I write about this topic the more emboldened I become.  In part 3 of “Fitting-in” I made an argument that I’m feeling more each day…I have to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.

By celebrating our differences and letting go of fear, we allow the inner peace of releasing superficial limitations and the ability to reach our potential . It’s time to let all of the facets of humanity shine with transparency. All of it – the good, the bad and the ugly…but who’s judging?

So what do you think? Do you dislike being labeled, judged and/or wearing a mask or do you think they are necessary elements of society?

Life Equals Risk: Fear and Risk Tolerance (part 2)

“No passion so effectively robs the mind of all of its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” ~Edmund Burke

Why do some people spend their lives wishing for something while others are living their dreams?

Ronald Heifetz, professor at Harvard University’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, answers by saying,  “Making real decisions and taking real risks requires freedom – freedom from the loyalties, expectations and fears that inevitably fog our risk-vs.-reward equation.  Peoples’ choices to take or refrain from risk are over-determined by their culture.” Professor Heifetz’s quotation about culture determining risk tolerance is provocative but only scratches the surface.

Is there something beyond culture that makes some people more willing to act on their wishes – to take more risks than others?

Psychologists have theories but now geneticists are weighing in. The BusinessWeek article, Innate Risk-Takers introduces the book, “Born Entrepreneurs, Born Leaders: How Your Genes Affect Your Work Life”.  The title may lead us to believe that entrepreneurs are hard-wired for leadership and risk but the story and theory don’t end there.  Our genes may impact in-born behavioral styles but we humans are far too complex for sweeping genetic generalizations – nature and nurture play very important roles.  A single source, book or risk-taking assessment cannot identify your true risk-taking style, much less how you react to various risk situations.

To begin to illustrate this complexity,  I’ll disclose a few high and low risk tolerance traits (as described by the books) and how nature/nurture contribute to my personal risk tolerance. 

Please use the bullets as a prompt to consider factors that may impact your risk tolerance.

I’m risk-tolerant - by the books, because:

• I’m at my best under pressure – enjoyed emergency ambulance work.
• Enjoys speed, rollercoasters, and had a (before parenthood) desire to skydive.
• Primarily exhibits “Dominance” and “Influence” behavioral styles in work environments (they love spontaneity, fast pace, risks and challenge)
• Those with the birth sign of Aries are known for adventure, pioneering, optimism and risk-taking.

I have always considered myself risk-tolerant, yet just yesterday, my husband described me as risk-averse!  It surprised me but made sense at the same time. Here’s why it’s not so simple:

I’m risk-averse - by the books, because:

• I like surprises…just not bad ones.  My mind works to troubleshoot what can go wrong with anything/everything – I want to be prepared.
• Moving from middle class to relative poverty as a child created strong financial sensibilities. I don’t worship money and I don’t waste it.
• When I’m not in the role of boss, my “Dominance” behavioral style is replaced with “Steadiness” and “Conscientiousness” (full focus on helping.  I can be spontaneous but prefer to research decisions and to plan)
• Working in allied health and having a child with dairy anaphylaxis has made me keenly aware of risks that others may not consider – hence, more cautious.

~ What is your mix of risk-tolerance and risk-averse nature/nurture traits?

~ How did my risk tolerance equation factor in the biggest risk that I have personally taken…leaving a six-figure salaried job and starting my own business in 1997 as a single mother with no other source of income?

For me, risk tolerance is largely about fear management.

I was only able to manage the fear with an equal mix of:

using my head – following my heart – and trusting my gut.

Please share your ideas and experience and/or read part 1:

• When have you felt the fear and decided to do it anyway?
• What did you learn about risk, fear and yourself?

Are Your Values Deal Makers or Breakers? (part 1)

Thk over your lifetime of friendships, romantic relationshis, and jobs.
If you list deal makers that created or sustained them and the deal breakers that eroded or destroyed them, you may be very surprised by the trends that emerge.  Those trends will identify what you really value.

I’m not speaking of  what your ideals or beliefs tell you that you should value but what you uniquely value – what best suits YOU and keeps you in the game (job or relationship) over the long haul.

When you clarify what you value (read “need”) you learn the strategy to play your cards right.  You can live with purpose and on purpose because you know what sparks the fire in your belly, gives you the mojo that makes you eager to come home each night, get up in the morning, and sing in the shower…okay, nix the shower bit because sometimes you just need to belt one out for no good reason!

But seriously, this simple exercise can be wildly eye-opening and only takes a minute to set up.  So ‘cmon, print the PDF or grab a blank sheet of paper to get started identifying your values.

1. Print this Values Exercise page or create your own sheet in the same format.

2. Decide whether to focus on Job or Relationship or both.

3. GOAL: Identify trends in your deal makers and breakers.  Consider every meaningful relationship or job that you walked (or ran) away from. Deal Makers: What drew you and kept you (perhaps too long) and Deal Breakers what ultimately broke the bond or caused you to end it? 

Trending Tip: List adjectives  in each column, e.g. opportunity, material things, safety, belonging, nuturing/love, personal growth or self-actualization, etc.  You don’t need to use the example words per se, just try to use similar words (where relevant) to faciliate ease of trending.  A bit like sorting and organizing the cards in your hand by color and suit, e.g. red, black, hearts, diamonds, spades, and clubs so that you know what you’re holding and how to play them.

If you’re doing the exercise now, take 10 – 15 minutes for reflection and if later, just create the page and put it in a prominent place for reference.  Reflect upon the hand that you’ve been dealt and which cards you have thrown into the discard pile over the years. What you trend may be as rewarding as it is shocking – I experienced a relationship values breakthrough that changed my life.

When you have clarity around your deal makers and  breakers it’s easier to find work that feels more like play and  relationships that don’t feel like work.

This simple but powerful exercise can help you to play your cards right.   I cannot encourage it enough so I’ll tell you what… create your lists and if you show me yours ( just comment about your experience) I’ll show you mine!

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part 3)

Human beings are hard-wired for social acceptance and are motivated to do whatever is necessary to fit-in or be liked. The question is…at what cost?

Consider the impact on history made by those who have dared to be different; from Joan of Arc to Elvis Presley.  Albert Einstein was initially seen as a failure and out right weirdo long before his ideas were ultimately deemed genius.  He dealt with the rejection by saying,  “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

I’m not suggesting that we ignore convention; we need some level of conformity for order.  Being true to oneself isn’t exactly radical but as Einstein’s quote demonstrates, a certain level of audacity is in order.  An audacious confidence and bravery is vital to balance our hard-wired fear of rejection.

The bravery that I’m speaking about was summed up beautifully in a comment to part 1 of this series. Karen Swim said, ” doing me scared is better than not doing me at all”.  So many of you commented with encouragement, honesty and refreshing revelations – thank you!  Some of you have arrived, some of you are just embarking on this journey and I’m not at audacious yet.  So when the trepidation comes to call, I have to affirm my resolve to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.  I’ve also become keenly aware that audacious transparency is necessary if I hope to find my “right people”.  By “right people” I’m referring to the people that I am best suited to serve or those who bring joy and knowledge to counter-balance the stresses arising from inevitable mean-spirited or small-minded encounters.  That’s what defining “right people” means to me – the real beauty is that it’s personal and unique to each of us.

We can spend our whole lives trying to find a few that we consider our “right people” but when we are authentic and transparent, they find us -  and we soon find that we are surrounded just the right elements for our growth.

Audacious authenticity isn’t reserved for those with the power to revolutionize the planet – it can revolutionize each of us.  What do we miss when people live and die without the freedom to bloom, to bring forth their unique essence?  In Science, Religion, World Culture, Sociology, Education, Music, Media, and more, the very soul of innovation and our evolution was made manifest by those considered anything but normal.   These brave souls who “marched to the beat of a different drum”, were able to be true to themselves, actualize their true potential, and in the making, make us all better for it!

How does “fitting-in” impact your peace of mind or quality of life?

What would it feel like to be truly comfortable (authentic/transparent) in your own skin?

What would working with your “right people” look and feel like?

What might you be able to achieve if fitting-in was eliminated from the equation?

Read part 2 of this series.

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part 2)

Freud dismissed the very idea of “normality” as “an ideal fiction” – and of course it is!

When we consider the vast diversity of human beings,  we see a kaleidoscope of complexity rather than conformity from the time of birth.  Ask parents of more than two children how different each was and you will most often hear that they arrived with differing temperaments, personalities, tastes and talents.

Normal is predicated by our environment:  families,  schools,  social and spiritual, each creates overt and subvert pressure to conform. The published and unwritten rules are reinforced with the selection of those who are popular from those who generate gossip or are ostracized.  Even children who don’t fit in the family norm are dubbed the “black sheep”.

A recent example of not fitting “the norm” came from a former employee who called me requesting a reference.  She said that after a year in a new job, she was not a good fit in a corporate culture that was suffocating her so she was actively interviewing for a new job. Our conversation reminded me of a time (1990) when as the only female corporate sales director,  I wore short hair, boxy suits, and put on a no-nonsense facade in order to be taken seriously – I was convincing, but I couldn’t maintain it;  it withered my soul.

So I started to ask myself these questions and invite you to do the same:

• How important is it for me to to fit in?  To myself, my family, my job, my community?
• What aspects of my true self do I need to suppress or hide in order to fit in?
• To what degree can I really be myself at work, with friends, or even at home?
• Do I sometimes feel like an imposter or actor?
• Am I  exhausted at day’s end from “acting” my role or wearing my “game-face” all day?
• Am I affected by the need to “stuff” a part of who I am for such a big part of my day and life?
• Do I value social approval over self-actualization?
• Do I prevent others from knowing me and benefiting from all that I have to offer?
• If I don’t allow others to really see me, how will I ever find my “right people” – those that get me?

I was so grateful for the many comments to this week’s launch post on this topic.  In the comments to part 1 of the series, John Reddish provided an excellent frame of reference for why many of us are grappling with authenticity and transparency and struck a chord:

The fact is that more and more, we realize that the old model, requiring self-containment and following traditional paths, just doesn’t work. Blame Joseph Campbell, blame a permissive society, blame the “me” generation, blame the New Age, but more and more of us are seeking to “follow our bliss” and because the old model isn’t working, more and more traditionalists are paying attention, even making allowances.

Over the years, I’ve become less willing to sublimate the silly and spiritual aspects of my true Self and to trust that others will still be able to see my polished professional facets, too.  How about you?

Please consider the following and read part 3.

Have you ever found yourself miscast in a job, relationship, or culture?

Have you ever made job or life changes by asking some of the above questions to yourself?

Are you becoming (or have you become) more daring or vulnerable about sharing your authentic self?

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part I)

Truth be told, I have never found a comfortable fit in any one peer group.

I first noticed it in high school – a time when we need to “belong” to a group or clique but the problem was that as a high honor, Jesus-loving, pot-smoking (hey it was the 70′s),  student council do-gooder and cheerleader, I didn’t fit-in with the brainiacs, the stoners, the Jesus freaks, the joiners, or the jocks.  Even though I related to an aspect of each group, there were other aspects of the groups that didn’t fit me and many of my own aspects that didn’t fit them.  Grappling with the teen angst, I remembered wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal”  and subscribe to one of those groups.

While journaling about my conundrum one evening, I dragged out the dictionary and looked up the definition of normal.  I was surprised that the terms (not deviating, conforming, standard, regular) used to describe what I thought I desperately wanted to be, were what I simply couldn’t aspire to being.   Then I realized that the desire to be “normal” must be an oxymoron for a lot of other people, too.  The problem with “being normal” is that many of us don’t want to be just  “average” but we don’t want to be seen as a “weirdo” either – we want acceptance, we want to fit-in but we also need to be allowed to be ourselves.

I’ve pondered the topic ever since the teen journaling years so this post is likely to be a series on the topic because while I thought I had found a comfortable place, the use of social media has forced the issue anew.   So here I am grappling with finding the right balance of fitting-in vs. daring to show my authentic and transparent self with the similar angst about the risks of ridicule and rejection.  My first paragraph was a huge leap  so if you’re reading this, I took a deep breath and hit the publish button.  If you can relate, please join me in exploring what normal, fitting-in, authentic and transparent mean to you.

Please join in the discussion with a comment and/or read on to part 2.

What does the right mix look like?

What are the risks?

How much of ourselves  should be revealed in order to be to be transparent and authentic?

How much is too much?