Why You Need a Reputation Management Front-Stabber

I was first introduced to the notion of a “front stabber” at a SobCon bloggers conference and immediately got it.  Maybe that’s because Erika Napoletano, the woman who said it, is known for delivering the unvarnished truth. 

Being honest and direct are so important to me that I somtimes wish that I could read other people’s minds. Undoubtedly, we weren’t given mind-reading abilities to spare us from (going fetal) the non-stop judgment that we are subjected to the moment we leave our homes  – or in some cases, before.  But those judgments and opinions are taking place whether our egos can handle them or not!  The problem is that we are often too busy to go looking for trouble so the fragile ego may choose to ignore reputation warning signs like being overlooked for key meetings or gatherings.  Worse still, we may inadvertently step on toes have no idea why we are highly regarded one day and persona non-grata overnight. What’s a person to do?

Beyond a healthy dose of introspection and self-awareness each day, there is nothing like having a front-stabber to clue you in on your blind-spots and your water cooler reputation.  Your front-stabber is someone with whom you share:

• implicit trust
• unconditional positive regard. 

In other words, not only do you know that they have your back and would come to your defense if you were being disparaged, your front-stabber gives you the heads-up scoop and warning signs to keep your reputation intact. A few examples of what they may need to tell you:

• People were rolling their eyes when you mentioned (again) your last big award or accolade.
• Colleagues are beginning to expect that you will be late or unprepared for meetings.
• Using the standard Linked In invitation looks lazy, misses an opportunity to “connect” and appears self-serving.
• Team mates feel that you aren’t carrying your weight and have grown weary of  constant excuses for not following-up or following through.
• You are sometimes referred to as aloof, abrasive, a suck-up, superficial, etc.
• People are exchanging glances when you ramble or monopolize meetings.
• Because you forget to say where you learned something or heard an idea, it’s assumed the idea is your original thought.

Three questions to consider:

1 – Would you want to know these things?

2 – Who would you trust to tell you?

3 – Could you simply say, “thank you for telling me” or would you punish your front-stabber with an angry rant about how it’s not true or not fair?

The truth of what your front-stabber tells you simply doesn’t matter…perception is reality and when it’s time for a promotion, your reputation eats your resume for lunch!

Do you agree? What are the pros/cons of a front-stabber? Do you have a  front-stabber experience to share?

Do You Have a Water Cooler Rap Sheet?

When people would complain I would give them an ear, and when the complaints morphed into a bitch-fest, the younger me might even happily join them.  But as soon as the rants turned to gossip, I would disappear.  I don’t think that anyone really knew how I felt about it;  I guess my approach was a bit like the military’s don’t ask/don’t tell policy.  I was blissfully happy not to know about the swirling dirt but I also realized that not being “clued-in” could potentially put me at a political disadvantage.  I decided that I would have to live with the handicap.

The first Christmas after my divorce in 1994, my friend and admin at the time came over to help me put up my tree.  The work was pretty tiring but we kibbitzed about a little of everything, laughed, and drank wine the whole time.  It was well after midnight when exhaustion and a snoot full of wine got her to gossiping.  I was able to change the subject several times but she would return to the next bit of scoop.  On a whim, it occurred to me that if I couldn’t escape the gossip, I should ask what people are saying about me.  To my astonishment, she lit up and said, “Ohhh…yeah, there’s one about you, and it’s a doozie”.  She went on to chuckle and tell me that anyone who knew me would find it absurdly funny or  set the record straight or both, as she did.

Whether you chose to engage in the water cooler gossip or disengage from it,  you cannot avoid making the rap sheet – it’s where your reputation is formed.  Sure, it’s helpful to have friends that will take your back if you are ever a gossip victim.  The more  serious consideration is, “it’s hard to play in the dirt without getting dirty” – and we rarely know who our friends are when careers or promotions are at stake.  If we stay and play in the swirling dirt, we need to be prepared for the water cooler rap to become a messy mud bath.

• Do you stay for the juicy gossip and if so, are you able to resist the pressure to comment or contribute?

• How often does criticism of management get back to them, including who said it?

• Have you ever had something that you said to “trusted” colleagues come back to bite you?