Lessons in Living, Fighting and Dying Well

When our lives end, the only enduring remains are the imprints left on the lives we touched. This post is intended to honor the memory of an extraordinary joblife architect by sharing a glimpse of the unique imprint left by my dear friend and mentor, John Reddish.

I’ve learned a lot from job and life mentors but nothing can compare to what he taught me – John showed me how to die.

The following is adapted from my eulogy remarks:

In 1998 when John Reddish and I met at a National Speakers Association meeting, little did we know that the future would place us side-by-side in the trenches of the fiercest battle that each of us would ever fight.

Two years later, John fought with me in the trenches of a Federal court battle to protect my intellectual property. It was during that 8 month battle and our quick daily “bulleted” phone updates, that JR became shorthand for John and I was dubbed JM.

Over the next decade, a very strong bond of mutual respect evolved… but had not yet been tested. That test came in April when JR sent me the diagnostic CAT scan report.  As I read and re-read the report, there was no doubt that that he was deep in the trenches and in grave danger.

Some have wondered why I took the role as his healthcare advocate.  It wasn’t because I could or should.  But simply because those who have stood and fought side by side in the trenches know the importance of keeping a constant eye out for each other.

So over the next 8 months, JR graciously allowed his dear friend Bill Sawyer and me to share the trenches of chemotherapy with him:

The first 6 outpatient rounds would have knocked most to their knees but IF he didn’t tell you or you didn’t see his hair or weight loss… you would have no idea that he was battling cancer.  He NEVER LET ON and he NEVER SLOWED DOWN.

• During the chemo sessions he would tell me of how touched he was by emails, cards or calls he received. If you are one who expressed shock upon learning that he had passed or disappointment that you didn’t reach out enough…please don’t dismay – shielding you was his way.
• During the longest of outpatient chemo sessions he would often say, “its not my time, JM – I still have too much to do. One time when the Benadryl made him a bit woozy, he slipped and said he still had too much to give. To “give” rather then “do” was more accurate but not something he would normally say – it would be too much like bragging to him. But one only needs to read his FaceBook page to see how much he gave and many lives he touched. He was just getting started.
• When the nurses fawned over the picnic baskets of gourmet goodies that we noshed throughout the chemo days, he would puff up a bit and say, “I have great friends” – referring to all of his friends – I heard him say it often.  The only time I ever saw John display pride was when showing a photo of his 3 beautiful grandsons or when speaking of his friends – they meant the world to him.

In August, when the lymphoma spread and was now at stage 4, we to MOVED from the TRENCHES of OUTPATIENT chemo to the FRONT LINES of HOSPITALIZATION  – it was the difference between 3-8 hours and 3–6 days of continuous chemo infusion!

During this time (between tweet chats no less) John would tell the medical staff that he was fine and felt great…but the films and labs clearly showed otherwise. The doctors, Bill and I shook our heads – in retrospect, he was just demonstrating the best business practice of staying focused on the GOAL (of beating the odds) not on the OBSTACLES. What a wise man.

By then, my job as medical advocate had morphed into wingman and all around “mother bear”.  So when I asked the tough questions that JR expected me to ask, he said, “it doesn’t matter if they tell me that I will die tomorrow, I won’t give up.”

In early November – when the labs showed me that his body was defying his spirit, he never showed fear, never let on and never, ever complained.  How is that possible when you’re dying?  But he didn’t.  From the darkest and most trying of times in the trenches, JR never gave up even as his body gave out.

In the end, we both lost our battles, but STANDING AND FIGHTING alongside JR was an extraordinary honor and education. You see, I got to watch a man LIVE the meaning of the saying…”never say die”.

John Reddish was an icon of how to live, fight and die with wisdom, verve and dignity.

He taught me as much in death as in life.

Can Life Lessons Be Taught?

When my mentor, Norm Ferzoco, died I felt a strong sense of responsibility to pay his mentoring forward. Despite freely honoring his legacy for the past two years, I have been deeply pondering whether we can actually spare others from the wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.

As I reflect upon whether my roles as a leader, mentor and teacher make a difference, I keep circling back to the quotation that I use in lieu of a long bio when leading training sessions:

Experience is the name that we have given our MISTAKES.~unknown.

I follow by saying…and I have a lot of experience. Of course, meaning twenty-plus years of mistakes!

But IS it possible to relay hard-earned wisdom (mistakes) to shorten learning curves and prevent painful pitfalls, bumps and bruises OR must people learn from the direct experience of their own mistakes?

Consider these “top-of-mind” life lessons along with your own to test your theory:

1. People may not remember the specifics of what we do or say (or even our names) but they never forget how we made them feel.

2. Our most important learning often occurs during adversity or times of great duress; or the opposite of when we are, as the saying goes, “fat, dumb and happy”.

3. We rarely know how important family is, or find out whom our real friends are, until we are up against hard times.

4. We don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.  A previous post discusses our lack of objectivity due to every day bias because our perceptual filters create a lens of interpretive bias through which we see our individual reality.  Because the lens of the masses is a kaleidoscope, objectivity demands that we look at a prism of perspectives – not just our monochromatic reality.

5. Emotional contagion is real! When we are happy to see others they become  happy to see us – the same goes for greeting people with a flat affect and more.

6. It is human to lack appreciation for things that are handed to us. Conversely, striving for a prize that is withheld for too long, can suck the joy out of finally receiving it.

7. Much of early adulthood is spent trying to prove something to ourselves, our parents and family. A lack of self-awareness about our motivational drive can land us in a miserable job, loveless marriage and/or serious debt.

8. Avoid people who have acquired worldly success but haven’t gotten over themselves.

9. There’s a precarious balance being humble and becoming a doormat as well as being assertive and coming off as an ass.

10. Validation is magic!  Human potential blooms like petals under the light of acknowledgement and warmth of praise.  To change behaviors – shine a light on what is right.

11. Innate curiosity and a desire to grow often trumps advanced degrees and pedigrees. Both are great, if I can hire only one, give me the former over the latter any day!

12. Success is not for “other” people.  The most famous and together people on the planet have their issues, problems and foibles.  Most of them simply wanted it more, knew the right people and/or had opportune timing.

13. Refuse to think that you are superior or inferior to anyone who knows or has more/less than you – learn from all of them.

This baker’s dozen contains a few things that I “know” from direct experience – could anyone have merely told me? Would hearing the the lessons help if only to raise a warning flag or to validate intuition – or was Marcel Proust right?

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” ~Marcel Proust

• What do you think?
• Did you learn from “wisdom” that was passed down?
• Do you have lessons to share?

Ideas of Success Morph by Life Stages

Karl Follen, a man of great moral strength and intellectual power said,

“I have found that it is much easier to make a success in life than to make a success of one’s life”.

His words sum up a profound truth that many of us don’t discover until our golden years. But why does it take the better part of a lifetime to define success on our own terms – to see that worldly success comes at too high a price if it is not aligned with how we want to live? I suspect that we unwittingly fall prey to material success but that our initial ideas about success morph throughout our life stages and situations.

Where are you in any of the six major life stages that I’ve defined below?

1. Surviving (hand to mouth)
2. Striving (fire in the belly or climbing the ladder)
3. Arriving (promotion, title)
4. Thriving (accolades, hitting stride)
5. Resigning (over it, burned out)
6. Re-designing (creating, re-equilibrating or re-inventing)

The saying, “life is meant to be lived forward but understood backwards” certainly applies to how I progressed through the life stages that I’ve named according to what it felt like going through them…the alliteration was simply to amuse myself and to soothe some of the sting associated with the struggles of each stage.  Only in retrospect can I understand that my humble beginnings drove a deep-seated need to prove something to myself and others during the striving and arriving years.  I came down with “affluenza” in my 30s (as many do) and sought what Alain DeBotton calls “social love” – promotions, titles, or wealth due to our desire for approval and respect.  I also fell prey to what Paul Stiles points out in his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You?” by having all of the outward trappings but little satisfaction and inner peace.

Striving for success is a very worthy pursuit but we cannot realize success with the mental health and life satisfaction needed to enjoy it IF (to paraphrase DeBotton) when we finally achieve it we realize that it wasn’t what we truly wanted all along.  For me, there would be no waiting for the golden years – at 36 during the pinnacle of my career when I had made a worldly success in life, I was given the tragic gift of perspective upon learning that my 39 year old brother had died.  Overnight, I realized that climbing the corporate ladder wasn’t what I wanted all along.  Suddenly my definition of success was clear – it was always about my core values. I just wanted self-actualization through helping and serving others. This clarity has been fundamental in being true to myself – to live and to work more authentically.

Karl Follen was quite right…it is easier to create success in life. I have personally found it more challenging and ultimately gratifying to live what I define as a successful life. No matter what life stage we are in – just having that perspective can help to provide clarity for living a life of purpose, on purpose.

What life lessons can you share?

• Have you been through several or all of the life stages and back again?

• Do we first need to achieve title, pay, possessions before we can “get over it” or get over ourselves – transcend the desire?

• What hard lessons would you share with those in the surviving, striving, arriving stages or any of the others?