Coming OUT – It’s Not Just for Gays

I’ve been thinking a lot about living with transparency in a world that judges those who don’t fit-in.  That’s because nearly a year ago, I set a stretch goal of living and working with audacious authenticity.

As I reflect upon my big “coming out” I bask in the acceptance I felt when others were validating the 360 degree me but feel the sting of rejection by those who don’t accept me simply because I’m not just like them.  The bonus is that I’m really not all that different! That’s my big ah ha – how daunting it is to live in audacious authenticity in a harsh world.  I’m awestruck when I consider how my experience is dwarfed by the bravery of those who take the real leap of coming out. The concept of “coming out” is intended to “out” the violence of “judging” that encourages some to fear and hate those who are different and forces others to live a lie of fitting-in.

When I felt push-back for being me I became keenly aware of the harsh rejection of those who differ from the mainstream.

So I’m pushing back. Posturing and posing are often a suffocating mask – why do we feel forced to wear them? Do we even acknowledge wearing the mask of the totally together, cool kid to hide our perceived blemishes as well as our beauty?

• How much of your real self do you stuff in the closet because you fear being judged or rejected?
• What percentage of your day and life are you wearing your mask?
• How much energy does it take to maintain “the act”?

So here’s my proposition – come out, come out, whoever you are:

The brave service to our children and the evolution of the world is to live in audacious authenticity.  We need to be role models – to stop teaching our children how to “act” and begin showing them how to “be”.

Instead of teaching them to judge others and pose for acceptance through a veneer of labels, lets help them to see individuals.  When we do, we free our children to learn from the best of humanity and we free ourselves from the self-imposed prison that binds us from living authentically.

It’s not an understatement to say that the world can profoundly benefit if we reveal our genuine spirit – how else can we learn from our collective greatness and frailties in a way that unites and elevates everyone? The more I write about this topic the more emboldened I become.  In part 3 of “Fitting-in” I made an argument that I’m feeling more each day…I have to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.

By celebrating our differences and letting go of fear, we allow the inner peace of releasing superficial limitations and the ability to reach our potential . It’s time to let all of the facets of humanity shine with transparency. All of it – the good, the bad and the ugly…but who’s judging?

So what do you think? Do you dislike being labeled, judged and/or wearing a mask or do you think they are necessary elements of society?

Write, Produce and Direct Your Own Destiny Program(ming)

I counted down the days in anticipation of my first appointment with the junior high school guidance counselor…only fourteen days before the secrets to achieving my goal of gaining admission to medical school would be revealed.

As outlet for my enthusiasm during what seemed like an eternity before meeting with “the wise one”,  I kept busy compiling a portfolio of clippings to demonstrate my credibility and abilities.

When the appointed day f-i-n-a-l-l-y came, I could barely breathe from excitement.  I counted the hours, waited in line and had barely planted myself in the seat before pronouncing that I really, truly wanted to be a doctor.  The counselor was silent and just cocked his head the way a dog might when confused or curious.  He leaned in and broke the pregnant pause with thunderous laughter.  Not the mocking laughter that might just  take the wind out of my sails – a laugh that created the sickening suffocation feeling that you may recall as a kid when you got the wind knocked out of you from rough-housing.

Despite reeling from shock and confusion, it only took moments before I begin peppering him with questions in hopes of understanding.  His reply then was, “Well, kiddo, pretty girls don’t need to work”… while he leaned in and literally patted me on the head!  Ignoring his crass compliment, I continued to press for an answer.  I talked about being an honor student, showed him my portfolio of A+ science essays and the bibliography of healthcare books that I had voraciously read as a hobby.  After this round of pestering and proof he said, “Well… if you HAVE to work, you might consider being a secretary or a nurse”.  He glanced at his watch -  I realized that I was running out of time and panicked.  That’s when I blurted out, “I just don’t understand why what’s between my legs counts more than what’s between my ears”!

The experience may help explain some fierce feminism on my part but to this day, I don’t know where the words came from or who was more shocked; I still marvel that at 13 (or any age) I uttered them;  I vividly recall that this was the first time my ears burned with indignation and embarrassment.  We both stared at the floor – he cleared his throat and rose to his feet.  There was a long and awkward silence as the “wise one” led the “wise mouth” to the door.

It took years before I realized that my counselor was more classist than sexist.  It never occurred to me that my parent’s divorce and my subsequent move to a public housing project was virtually a life sentence.  But I, like so many of us (especially children) had allowed his judgment to “program” my beliefs, self-esteem, goals, and limitations.

A burning desire to learn, stretch, and grow made me too restless to stay tuned to my counselor’s program.  I began to change the channel and eventually tuned in a “station in life” and a program that I owned.  Here, I could be the writer, producer, director, and lead actor in a program called, “Your Lot in Life”.  This melodrama and occasional sitcom is about an underprivileged kid who refused to park on her lot in life and instead, became a JobLife Architect determined to excavate, renovate, and build on her lot.  In fact, this slice of my life helped me begin to create the JobLife Architect philosophy.

We alone must define and design our own success

Or life may happen TO us

Instead of THROUGH us.

You cannot “choose” to change the channel until you identify the programming preventing you from building on “Your Lot In Life”.

What limiting ideas have you gotten from parents, teachers, friends, lovers, family?  They are often off-handed comments stated in frustration by those we trust when we are so young that we cannot filter or analyze their veracity -so, they become a part of our subconscious script.  They often sound like: “You can’t do anything right” – “You’re stupid or bad at math” – You’re lazy or You’ll never amount to anything”. They may be more innocent or far worse but that’s not as important as how we continue to allow the messages to auto-loop in our heads.  We become victims of the unwanted messages like the frequent commercials that we find irritating yet cannot help but recall – argh, like the 1-800- Empire carpets jingle just sprang to mind!  Only with maturity and experience can we examine and question them:  Is every one of the judgments and beliefs about you, your character, abilities or limitations based in fact or reality?  Which have a kernel of truth but became your reality program because they were repeated so much that you lived down to the expectation?  Which still haunt you as negative,  “I told you so” self-talk just waiting for you to trip up? 

Which of these negative beliefs…

• Are not true at all or any longer?
• Inhibit your self-confidence?
• Limit your hopes, dreams or goals?
• Have become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
• Drive you to gain promotions and titles or material success to prove them wrong?
• Need to be censored before they do harm (like an F-bomb or Janet’s wardrobe malfunction)? Do you have a delay mechanism like meditation to allow you to consider before acting on your thoughts?
• Should be edited or re-scripted?

Will you share examples of when you junked the program, wrote your own program, or when you took control of the remote and changed the channel?

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part I)

Truth be told, I have never found a comfortable fit in any one peer group.

I first noticed it in high school – a time when we need to “belong” to a group or clique but the problem was that as a high honor, Jesus-loving, pot-smoking (hey it was the 70′s),  student council do-gooder and cheerleader, I didn’t fit-in with the brainiacs, the stoners, the Jesus freaks, the joiners, or the jocks.  Even though I related to an aspect of each group, there were other aspects of the groups that didn’t fit me and many of my own aspects that didn’t fit them.  Grappling with the teen angst, I remembered wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal”  and subscribe to one of those groups.

While journaling about my conundrum one evening, I dragged out the dictionary and looked up the definition of normal.  I was surprised that the terms (not deviating, conforming, standard, regular) used to describe what I thought I desperately wanted to be, were what I simply couldn’t aspire to being.   Then I realized that the desire to be “normal” must be an oxymoron for a lot of other people, too.  The problem with “being normal” is that many of us don’t want to be just  “average” but we don’t want to be seen as a “weirdo” either – we want acceptance, we want to fit-in but we also need to be allowed to be ourselves.

I’ve pondered the topic ever since the teen journaling years so this post is likely to be a series on the topic because while I thought I had found a comfortable place, the use of social media has forced the issue anew.   So here I am grappling with finding the right balance of fitting-in vs. daring to show my authentic and transparent self with the similar angst about the risks of ridicule and rejection.  My first paragraph was a huge leap  so if you’re reading this, I took a deep breath and hit the publish button.  If you can relate, please join me in exploring what normal, fitting-in, authentic and transparent mean to you.

Please join in the discussion with a comment and/or read on to part 2.

What does the right mix look like?

What are the risks?

How much of ourselves  should be revealed in order to be to be transparent and authentic?

How much is too much?