Can Life Lessons Be Taught?

When my mentor, Norm Ferzoco, died I felt a strong sense of responsibility to pay his mentoring forward. Despite freely honoring his legacy for the past two years, I have been deeply pondering whether we can actually spare others from the wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.

As I reflect upon whether my roles as a leader, mentor and teacher make a difference, I keep circling back to the quotation that I use in lieu of a long bio when leading training sessions:

Experience is the name that we have given our MISTAKES.~unknown.

I follow by saying…and I have a lot of experience. Of course, meaning twenty-plus years of mistakes!

But IS it possible to relay hard-earned wisdom (mistakes) to shorten learning curves and prevent painful pitfalls, bumps and bruises OR must people learn from the direct experience of their own mistakes?

Consider these “top-of-mind” life lessons along with your own to test your theory:

1. People may not remember the specifics of what we do or say (or even our names) but they never forget how we made them feel.

2. Our most important learning often occurs during adversity or times of great duress; or the opposite of when we are, as the saying goes, “fat, dumb and happy”.

3. We rarely know how important family is, or find out whom our real friends are, until we are up against hard times.

4. We don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.  A previous post discusses our lack of objectivity due to every day bias because our perceptual filters create a lens of interpretive bias through which we see our individual reality.  Because the lens of the masses is a kaleidoscope, objectivity demands that we look at a prism of perspectives – not just our monochromatic reality.

5. Emotional contagion is real! When we are happy to see others they become  happy to see us – the same goes for greeting people with a flat affect and more.

6. It is human to lack appreciation for things that are handed to us. Conversely, striving for a prize that is withheld for too long, can suck the joy out of finally receiving it.

7. Much of early adulthood is spent trying to prove something to ourselves, our parents and family. A lack of self-awareness about our motivational drive can land us in a miserable job, loveless marriage and/or serious debt.

8. Avoid people who have acquired worldly success but haven’t gotten over themselves.

9. There’s a precarious balance being humble and becoming a doormat as well as being assertive and coming off as an ass.

10. Validation is magic!  Human potential blooms like petals under the light of acknowledgement and warmth of praise.  To change behaviors – shine a light on what is right.

11. Innate curiosity and a desire to grow often trumps advanced degrees and pedigrees. Both are great, if I can hire only one, give me the former over the latter any day!

12. Success is not for “other” people.  The most famous and together people on the planet have their issues, problems and foibles.  Most of them simply wanted it more, knew the right people and/or had opportune timing.

13. Refuse to think that you are superior or inferior to anyone who knows or has more/less than you – learn from all of them.

This baker’s dozen contains a few things that I “know” from direct experience – could anyone have merely told me? Would hearing the the lessons help if only to raise a warning flag or to validate intuition – or was Marcel Proust right?

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” ~Marcel Proust

• What do you think?
• Did you learn from “wisdom” that was passed down?
• Do you have lessons to share?

When Smart People Make Jackass Moves

When was the last time that you said or did something that you later regretted?

You know…the slammed door, mean-spirited exchange or angry email that made you wonder, “What the hell was I thinking”? The simple answer is you weren’t – knee-jerk reactions have little to do with thinking.

People with the highest to lowest IQs are equally subject to the knee-jerk faux pas that make them act like jackasses at times – but why?

Regardless of IQ, human brains are  wired to react emotionally before thinking rationally:

- a tremendous survival advantage in prehistoric times when in the blink of an eye, we had to judge friend or foe and fight or flight.

- a career and relationship disadvantage in today’s complex world of subtle threats.  Just consider the implications of our immediate reaction to judge something as good or bad in the rapid-fire and impersonal digital age… and viola, the birth of the angry email or terse text. Often, a jackass move on our part  generates a jackass move by the person on the receiving end of our kick and before we know it, we’re at the head of a jackass conga line!

We can forgive ourselves for being human but we can’t be excused – the ability to manage our emotions is what prevents crimes of passion, broken relationships and career-limiting moves.

Just as an angry email may live on in print forever, our words and behaviors become etched in the hearts and minds of those on the receiving end of them. We can always apologize but we can never erase a jackass move.

How do you tame a knee-jerk reaction before it becomes a jackass move?

A favorite of mine: If I can’t acknowledge the negative reaction and let it go, I allow myself to vent in an angry mail – using the MS Outlook ‘options’ feature, I  send it  myself (only) to read early the next day.  With fresh eyes I’ve been surprised and amused by how hard the ol’ jackass was kicking.

Who is Defining Your Success? Part I

What IS Success?

A “Think Quick” challenge: Right this second, can you state your definition of success?

Most people think they know but few are able to define what success really means when applied to their own lives. And if YOU can’t define it, then WHO IS defining it for you?

If you can’t DEFINE success – how can you DESIGN success?

This quick clip (<2 minutes) of a TED talk by Alain DeBotton creates a great springboard to consider what YOUR idea of success is.

In view of DeBotton’s point about who creates our ideas of success, consider the Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition:

1 -  obsolete: outcome, result
2  – degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 -  one that succeeds

I was both surprised and saddened to see how the original, now obsolete definition  has evolved (or devolved) from generic goal achievement to encompass fortune and/or fame. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with fortune or fame. Like DeBotton, I’m very interested in success. What I’m proposing is that success as defined by worldly standards is often at the root of many a deathbed regret. We simply need to have clarity around what we truly value in order to define success in our own terms.

In his book, Is the American Dream Killing You? Paul Stiles eloquently captures this: “Success in America is neither moral or spiritual nor intellectual nor artistic these days, but financial. Unsure of what they stand for, people rely on money as the criterion for value…people deserve respect and admiration because they are rich. What used to be a medium of exchange has usurped the place of fundamental values…the cult of success has replaced a belief in principles.”

Many who have never questioned or defined success strive to “live the dream” only to awaken to the nightmare of a self-imposed prison consisting of a burn-out job to pay for a big mortgage, serious credit card debt and/or an empty family life. DeBotton talks about the “notion of work-life balance nonsense” – that we can’t have it all and I quite agree.  That’s exactly why clarity is vital to prevent burnout and/or rude wake-ups from what we thought was “our” dream.  He urges us to be the authors of our own ambition by probing to ensure that our ideas of success are truly our own.

Some folks want to simply hire a coach to tell them how to be successful but this work cannot be delegated. Trying to hire-out defining and designing your success is like asking a cleaning service to clear out your closet. Only YOU can… make the tough decisions, know your style, try things on to see what fits and let go of what you need to discard!

Have you defined success in your own terms? If so, please comment about:

• how your idea of success has changed
• who previously formed your ideas of success
• your commitment to defining and designing it for yourself.

Then answer the questions that follow to refine or define what success means to you.

Answering the questions isn’t easy but it’s pivotal to long-term happiness and the ability to live with purpose and on purpose. It requires that you stop putting one foot in front of the other  – that you take a step back to observe and reflect. This quote sums it up:

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.

The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.   ~Mark Twain

So…let’s begin proving Mark Twain wrong. Start with a blank sheet of paper and use Webster’s definition #3,“one that succeeds”- begin to define:

What IS success in each of the main categories of life?

1. Family
2. Health
3. Finance
4. Job or Career
5. Personal: spiritual, friendships, hobbies
6. Community, etc.

- Where does the successful you prioritize your time?

- What are you known as, or for, in each category?

- How does the successful you look, walk, think, and talk like in each category?

- How can you integrate those to create some semblance of work-life balance? What do you need to let go?

IF you’re serious about doing the work, you’re on your way to becoming the architect of your job and life.  Start your list and keep it handy for further thought and reflection – maybe transfer it to an index card that you can easily post to consider throughout the day and weeks ahead.  Read part 2 to further explore the implications and definitions of success.

Are Your Values Deal Makers or Breakers? (part 1)

Thk over your lifetime of friendships, romantic relationshis, and jobs.
If you list deal makers that created or sustained them and the deal breakers that eroded or destroyed them, you may be very surprised by the trends that emerge.  Those trends will identify what you really value.

I’m not speaking of  what your ideals or beliefs tell you that you should value but what you uniquely value – what best suits YOU and keeps you in the game (job or relationship) over the long haul.

When you clarify what you value (read “need”) you learn the strategy to play your cards right.  You can live with purpose and on purpose because you know what sparks the fire in your belly, gives you the mojo that makes you eager to come home each night, get up in the morning, and sing in the shower…okay, nix the shower bit because sometimes you just need to belt one out for no good reason!

But seriously, this simple exercise can be wildly eye-opening and only takes a minute to set up.  So ‘cmon, print the PDF or grab a blank sheet of paper to get started identifying your values.

1. Print this Values Exercise page or create your own sheet in the same format.

2. Decide whether to focus on Job or Relationship or both.

3. GOAL: Identify trends in your deal makers and breakers.  Consider every meaningful relationship or job that you walked (or ran) away from. Deal Makers: What drew you and kept you (perhaps too long) and Deal Breakers what ultimately broke the bond or caused you to end it? 

Trending Tip: List adjectives  in each column, e.g. opportunity, material things, safety, belonging, nuturing/love, personal growth or self-actualization, etc.  You don’t need to use the example words per se, just try to use similar words (where relevant) to faciliate ease of trending.  A bit like sorting and organizing the cards in your hand by color and suit, e.g. red, black, hearts, diamonds, spades, and clubs so that you know what you’re holding and how to play them.

If you’re doing the exercise now, take 10 – 15 minutes for reflection and if later, just create the page and put it in a prominent place for reference.  Reflect upon the hand that you’ve been dealt and which cards you have thrown into the discard pile over the years. What you trend may be as rewarding as it is shocking – I experienced a relationship values breakthrough that changed my life.

When you have clarity around your deal makers and  breakers it’s easier to find work that feels more like play and  relationships that don’t feel like work.

This simple but powerful exercise can help you to play your cards right.   I cannot encourage it enough so I’ll tell you what… create your lists and if you show me yours ( just comment about your experience) I’ll show you mine!