The Unnatural Act of Networking

Does the idea of walking into a room of strangers evoke feelings of excitement or dread?

Whether a cocktail party or association meeting, I typically feel dread.

The need to understand the dread of networking has gotten under my skin. When I think about walking into the Friday evening reception for my first SOBCon mastermind meeting,  I don’t feel the typical dread but I do feel a bit reticent.  This makes no sense for a couple of reasons: First, because the small group of bright, fun and supportive folks I’m about to meet aren’t the stereotypical networking event types.

It also makes no sense because I’m not usually shy.  To those who know me professionally, the idea that I might be shy is ludicrous. I’m the kind of person who could be described as “she never met a stranger” - I absolutely love people.  And since I’m in my second decade of delivering training and keynotes to audiences of hundreds,  I could hardly be described as shy.  The fact remains, I do feel a bit shy or at the very least reticent about walking into any room of strangers and I know I’m not alone.  So if I struggle,  I can’t imagine how challenging networking must be to someone who really is shy. Why do so many of us dread or have a love/hate response to networking? 

While examining why, I’ve had a few epiphanies about the feelings that arise during networking and the methods used to manage them.

• It feels contrived - Since the mid 1990s my National Speaker’s Association colleagues have been advocating use of  the elevator pitch. As a former product manager, I fully appreciate the branding and recall benefits of messaging but I’ve grown weary of hearing and delivering elevator pitches. The idea of repeating another elevator speech makes me a little nauseous.
  

• It’s superficial - We are hard-wired to judge.  Like it or not, in the first 30 – 90 seconds people are judging dress, height, grooming, body language, voice, wit, title. We don’t get to know a person, we get a snapshot of them – one where they are posing…literally.

• It’s clique and power driven - People tend to gravitate to their familiar circles and typically don’t go out of their way to bring outsiders in.  Many are watching the door or looking over the shoulder of the person talking to see if someone more important has arrived on the scene. I can’t help but cringe when I see an over the shoulder glance or while watching the masses flock to the alpha crowd.

• And the #1 epiphany is…you can’t fight city hall - networking is a vital social and career development skill!  So, if you’re not comfortable working a room,  you owe it to yourself to find ways to become a more natural networker.

This self-reflection (above) and being clear about my objectives (below) has provided methods for making networking a bit more natural to me.

Which of the following would make what feels like an unnatural act a bit more natural to you?

• To Connect or Impress? Of course, it’s ideal to do both but we tend to put more emphasis on one area.  For example, to build relationships, the emphasis is to connect- to build business, the emphasis may be to impress.  My business model and personality create a focus on connecting – one of the reasons I dread networking is because I want to have meaningful interactions.  I don’t remember many elevator pitches but I always recall how someone made me feel. I recently had a very deep conversation with someone I had met briefly on several occasions. Neither of us were looking to impress, instead of the usual game face, we allowed ourselves to be a little vulnerable and shared more of our authentic selves – in that one conversation I felt a true kinship with her.  Not that every encounter should be as such, it’s an example of truly connecting versus trying to impress. Turns out, she was just being an exceptional model of what she blogs about, “The Art of Authentic Chit Chat”.

• Are You More Active or Passive? I prefer to be approached than to approach. It’s odd but I only feel comfortable approaching if I have a role or reason for walking up to a stranger.  If I don’t have a role, I have found that I feel much more comfortable approaching someone who looks isolated or shy.  I’ll introduce them to others who don’t know anyone.  I actually formalized an association’s “Welcome Committee” this way. One of my epiphanies resulted in a good chuckle when I realized that I had given myself a  role (to make myself comfortable) to approach others in hopes of making them more comfortable!

• Do You Want to Build Your Power, Customer or Knowledge Base? You certainly can do all three, but your priority is probably based upon your business needs.  If I were a salesperson or had a huge payroll to meet, my priorities might be to build my customer base.  But as someone running a boutique knowledge-based business,  I’m free to seek out fascinating people without regard for their business potential. I just shared an example of learning from my “Art of Chit Chat” colleague and was able to pass along the learning experience.

• Do You Tend to Do More Talking or Listening? Does telling what you know or learning what others know align with your networking objectives? I find that if someone asks great questions or if I don’t have a few good questions to ask, I end up doing most of the talking.  Problem is, I can’t learn from others when I’m doing talking, so it helps to have a few conversations starters at the ready. Of course, I don’t want to sound like I’m interrogating someone but when used appropriately, the questions spark interest, keep people engaged and help me to connect and build my knowledge base.  The following examples are provided as a springboard for you to create a set of questions that fit your style and networking events.

Conversations Starter Sampler

If you could undertake a business venture and know that you could not fail – what would would it be?

We’ve all heard the expression, “you couldn’t pay me enough to do that job” – what would that job be for you?

If you could hear a speech from any leading figure throughout history, whom would you choose to hear ?

If you could be the spokesperson for any product on the market, which product would you happily endorse?

What’s the best thing that you ever learned from a good or bad boss?

What topics do you consider a bore?

What’s the best thing your parents or children ever taught you?

So what about you? Does the idea of walking into a room of strangers fill you with more excitement or more dread?

• Are you a natural or unnatural networker?
• What are some of your favorite questions to spark conversation?
• What other tips can you share?
  

Is Your Objectivity Jacked? Everyday bias in bad decisions

If you’re like most people, you like to think of yourself as someone who thinks clearly and objectively.  Me too, until an recent event served as a lightening rod for appreciating our inability to think without bias.

Recently, a former colleague and friend of my husband posted a FaceBook link to a newsletter that caused an uproar in our house. The newsletter cited the 1964 Civil Rights Act as and example of federal government intrusion into restaurants and movie houses – even creating an inability for people to decide who could be their neighbor.

With no doubt in his mind, my husband questioned his friend and was shocked when his colleague replied that he couldn’t see anything wrong with the article.

Here’s where it gets interesting…and creates huge potential for divided camps:

while he saw nothing wrong, I was profoundly upset by it! In 1939 the five-year old girl who would become my mother learned that she not allowed to swim in the community pool. Being told, “No Spics Allowed” haunted her and created devastating ripple effects.  So it makes sense that  I was offended but what I  couldn’t fathom was that my husband’s colleague (the bright, kind, southern Christian man who posted it) reported reading the article three times and couldn’t see anything wrong with it. I shared how my bias caused such a negative reaction to the article but wondered, what’s his story…how can I understand his perspective just as I wish he understood  mine?

Out of respect for me, this lovely man told my husband that he took the offending post down but: I don’t think that’s the answer…nor do I want to debate whether the article or our friend was a victim of bigoted bias or not – let’s simply use this real-life  situation as a springboard for understanding.

The answer is to intercept our brains’ auto-pilot for bias.

Here’s How Objectivity Gets Jacked:

Hi-jacking: (reacting before thinking brain)

The amygdala or unevolved brain processes our perception and feelings as good or bad within milliseconds. This can cause a regrettable knee-jerk response cover in the previous post,  “When Smart People Make JackAss Moves”. During an amygdala hi-jacking the emotions are so strong that our unevolved brain (the amygdala) takes over before the evolved executive brain (the prefrontal cortex) can process the information to regulate our response.

Example: My initial reaction to reading the offending post was shock and anger.  I don’t think that I could have maintained a poker-face had we been face-to-face so the virtual exchange may have spared me from an amygdala hi-jacking and jackass move.

Even if we are able to hit the un-evolved brain “pause” button to allow our executive brain to analyze, our thinking may be jacked a second time!

Low-jacking: (interpretive bias brain)

After the amygdala does the initial good/bad processing,  the executive brain (pre-frontal cortex) uses intelligence, data and previous experiences to assess whether the initial feelings and perception were accurate.  Our executive brain’s thinking can be “low-jacked” (to access by an alternate means) by our sub-conscious tendency to latch-on to information that validates our initial perception and to filter out what doesn’t support it.

Examples:

• good or bad first impressions or prejudices (pre-judging) and how we may be more or less willing to give others a pass
• placebo effect and how we often get what we expect
• how remarkably bright people are unable to see the diverse perspectives of social, political, or religious issues
• how physicians’ training/time limitations add interpretive bias to a patient types and cause mis-diagnoses
• why a juror’s personal experience (aka bias) can impede their ability to impartially judge factual evidence.

The truth of our reality is that we don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.

Sadly, our knee-jerk reactions and our filtered reasoning means that we access knowledge more selectively than objectively which often results in thinking that is, umm.. jacked.

The important discussion becomes, how does it hurt all of us and what can we do about it?

- When have you been on the receiving end of a jacked idea or decision?

- What can we do to prevent or minimize our the brain low-jackings that create interpretive bias?

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• Gladstone: A Taxonomy of Bias: The Cognitive Miser (lesswrong.com)

When Smart People Make Jackass Moves

When was the last time that you said or did something that you later regretted?

You know…the slammed door, mean-spirited exchange or angry email that made you wonder, “What the hell was I thinking”? The simple answer is you weren’t – knee-jerk reactions have little to do with thinking.

People with the highest to lowest IQs are equally subject to the knee-jerk faux pas that make them act like jackasses at times – but why?

Regardless of IQ, human brains are  wired to react emotionally before thinking rationally:

- a tremendous survival advantage in prehistoric times when in the blink of an eye, we had to judge friend or foe and fight or flight.

- a career and relationship disadvantage in today’s complex world of subtle threats.  Just consider the implications of our immediate reaction to judge something as good or bad in the rapid-fire and impersonal digital age… and viola, the birth of the angry email or terse text. Often, a jackass move on our part  generates a jackass move by the person on the receiving end of our kick and before we know it, we’re at the head of a jackass conga line!

We can forgive ourselves for being human but we can’t be excused – the ability to manage our emotions is what prevents crimes of passion, broken relationships and career-limiting moves.

Just as an angry email may live on in print forever, our words and behaviors become etched in the hearts and minds of those on the receiving end of them. We can always apologize but we can never erase a jackass move.

How do you tame a knee-jerk reaction before it becomes a jackass move?

A favorite of mine: If I can’t acknowledge the negative reaction and let it go, I allow myself to vent in an angry mail – using the MS Outlook ‘options’ feature, I  send it  myself (only) to read early the next day.  With fresh eyes I’ve been surprised and amused by how hard the ol’ jackass was kicking.

Life Equals Risk: Fear and Risk Tolerance (part 2)

“No passion so effectively robs the mind of all of its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” ~Edmund Burke

Why do some people spend their lives wishing for something while others are living their dreams?

Ronald Heifetz, professor at Harvard University’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, answers by saying,  “Making real decisions and taking real risks requires freedom – freedom from the loyalties, expectations and fears that inevitably fog our risk-vs.-reward equation.  Peoples’ choices to take or refrain from risk are over-determined by their culture.” Professor Heifetz’s quotation about culture determining risk tolerance is provocative but only scratches the surface.

Is there something beyond culture that makes some people more willing to act on their wishes – to take more risks than others?

Psychologists have theories but now geneticists are weighing in. The BusinessWeek article, Innate Risk-Takers introduces the book, “Born Entrepreneurs, Born Leaders: How Your Genes Affect Your Work Life”.  The title may lead us to believe that entrepreneurs are hard-wired for leadership and risk but the story and theory don’t end there.  Our genes may impact in-born behavioral styles but we humans are far too complex for sweeping genetic generalizations – nature and nurture play very important roles.  A single source, book or risk-taking assessment cannot identify your true risk-taking style, much less how you react to various risk situations.

To begin to illustrate this complexity,  I’ll disclose a few high and low risk tolerance traits (as described by the books) and how nature/nurture contribute to my personal risk tolerance. 

Please use the bullets as a prompt to consider factors that may impact your risk tolerance.

I’m risk-tolerant - by the books, because:

• I’m at my best under pressure – enjoyed emergency ambulance work.
• Enjoys speed, rollercoasters, and had a (before parenthood) desire to skydive.
• Primarily exhibits “Dominance” and “Influence” behavioral styles in work environments (they love spontaneity, fast pace, risks and challenge)
• Those with the birth sign of Aries are known for adventure, pioneering, optimism and risk-taking.

I have always considered myself risk-tolerant, yet just yesterday, my husband described me as risk-averse!  It surprised me but made sense at the same time. Here’s why it’s not so simple:

I’m risk-averse - by the books, because:

• I like surprises…just not bad ones.  My mind works to troubleshoot what can go wrong with anything/everything – I want to be prepared.
• Moving from middle class to relative poverty as a child created strong financial sensibilities. I don’t worship money and I don’t waste it.
• When I’m not in the role of boss, my “Dominance” behavioral style is replaced with “Steadiness” and “Conscientiousness” (full focus on helping.  I can be spontaneous but prefer to research decisions and to plan)
• Working in allied health and having a child with dairy anaphylaxis has made me keenly aware of risks that others may not consider – hence, more cautious.

~ What is your mix of risk-tolerance and risk-averse nature/nurture traits?

~ How did my risk tolerance equation factor in the biggest risk that I have personally taken…leaving a six-figure salaried job and starting my own business in 1997 as a single mother with no other source of income?

For me, risk tolerance is largely about fear management.

I was only able to manage the fear with an equal mix of:

using my head – following my heart – and trusting my gut.

Please share your ideas and experience and/or read part 1:

• When have you felt the fear and decided to do it anyway?
• What did you learn about risk, fear and yourself?

Do YOU Have What it Takes to be an Entrepreneur? Part I

Entrepreneurship requires a passionate desire and work ethic to write your own ticket and/or to bring a product to market.

Regardless of how great your idea or passion, it’s vital to acknowledge that entrepreneurship is fundamentally about taking risk, so the first thing to assess is your risk tolerance.

According to the Small Business Administration‘s 2009 Frequently Asked Questions, 7 out of 10 new small businesses (<500 employees) last at least 2 years but only about 1/2 of new businesses are still in business after 5 years.  The first question, then, is are you willing to wager your financial stability, security, and possibly your credit rating?

The statistics are only a reality check – don’t let them discourage you.  While risk tolerance is a big factor, having enough of a fire in your belly can go a long way toward minimizing the fear factor.  The Harvard Business Review offers a quick quiz to help you identify if you have the gut-level fit for taking the plunge.  To sum up the drive vs fear issue, my online colleague, GL Hoffman, said something that is very telling, “When people ask me whether they should become an entrepreneur, I tell them, if you have to ask, then I’m leaning toward answering, no.“ Case in point, during a succession planning meeting (when I was a Training Director in a fortune 500 pharmaceutical company) the HR Director asked me what I wanted to be doing 5 and 10 years in the future.  I quickly stated the 5 year plan but fell silent about the 10 year plan because it did not involve staying with the company.  I was already certain that I wanted my own training business.  And in 1997, as a single mother with no other form of support, I quit my job and started Emp-Higher Performance Development, Inc. Was I afraid?  A little, but I had a tremendous passion for the training business (and still do!) a great credit rating, clarity about my personal development needs, and a plan to boot-strap my business. Thirteen years later, I haven’t looked back or been sorry for even a moment.

Yes, there are a lot of other traits, competencies and skills that differentiate entrepreneurs who make it  from  those who don’t – a topic that merits its own post so I’ll detail those in part II.  Since I just mentioned GL Hoffman, it occurs to me that as a serial entrepreneur, a book that he recently published is an excellent and inexpensive reality check for those considering entrepreneurship or for entrepreneurs interested in increasing their probability for more success. The book, Start-up: 100 tips to get your business going is packed with tried and true success factors, is a quick read and handy reference. Most interesting to me was that despite our very different business models, his tips still rang true.  I found myself nodding and mumbling, “yep” during many of the passages – particularly tips 9, 12, 15, 16, 18, 38, 47, 48 and 50 – and that was only the first half of the book!  So, I recommended that you read it, ask yourself if you could see yourself actively doing the best practices that he suggests… and if not, why not?

What other questions or advice do you have about identifying who is cut out for the entrepreneurial life?

What Does Career Satisfaction “Look Like” to You?

Are you happy with your job or where your career is going?

If not – why not?

“It’s not enough to keep busy. [People] want to have meaning in their lives and they want work to give them that meaning.”

Richard Bolles, “What Color Is Your Parachute? “

To begin to hone in on the root of your motivation or dissatisfaction, grab a sheet of paper and:

1.  Draw a line down the center to create two columns.

2. Jot notes in each column as you review the bullets below.

Column 1: What’s Satisfying?

List what you ARE getting that meets your needs and values.

Column 2: What’s Missing?

Note what you are NOT currently getting that you want, need, or value.

Note the impact of the following in the “satisfying” or “missing” columns:

Corporate
• Company reputation/advertising
• Products and services
• Resources or materials to do your job
• Budget or expense account
• Other: ___________________________

Fiscal
• Base salary
• Incentive plan/bonus opportunities
• Health, life, disability insurance benefits
• Paid vacation, personal/sick, holiday time
• 401k or retirement plan or stock options
• Child/elder care
• Other: ___________________________

Personal
• Work/life balance
• Preference for routine or random (locations/people)
• Alignment with personal values (service, money/material, belonging, self-actualization, etc.)
• Career development and/or promotion opportunities
• Other: ___________________________

Interpersonal
• Helpful and supportive management
• Need for autonomy or teamwork
• Persuading, influencing, or leading others
• Exposure to diverse styles, beliefs, ethnics, values
• Harmonious or challenging environment
• Other: ___________________________

As you go through the exercise, take time to really reflect on the work and environment that you found motivating, nuturing, stimulating.

Think about all the jobs you’ve held in your career to see if you can identify any trends while answering:
• What drew you to each company?
• What made you stay?
• What motivated you to leave?

When you have completed this exercise, you will have a list of you want, need, and value as deal “makers” for career satisfaction and clarity around deal “breakers” to avoid.

No Pink Slip Surprises

Imagine hearing the words, “We have to let you go.”

Those words strike fear into the hearts and minds of most on the receiving end of them. What would you do if you were laid off tomorrow?  Few people retire without losing at least one job along the way.  In reality, every job is temporary!  A right between-the-eyes tagline used by the good folks at CAREEREALISM. Right Management research revealed that 54% of employees were “involuntarily separated” from their jobs.   Losing a job is a life-changing experience, but it does not have to be a disaster, and today – it definitely should not be a surprise!

Whether you have already lost your job or just want to begin troubleshooting and managing your life, the late, great, Arthur Ashe overcame adversity and managed a brilliant career by following a maxim that he often quoted, “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” In other words, actively leverage everything within your control. Focusing on what you can control means that you cannot always make yourself layoff-proof, but you can improve the speed, odds and overall success of your job search. Some sources claim that employees should expect to change jobs every 18 to 24 months! So, if your employment is not fully within your control, it’s time to take the reins back by undertaking a serious career management focus.

Begin by asking yourself, “If I got a pink slip tomorrow”…

1. Is my resume updated, refined, and ready to go?
2. Do I have a list of target companies that I would like to work for?
3. What is the size and quality of my network? Who could I call tomorrow?
4. How long could I stay unemployed without undue hardship?

I just attended yet another industry meeting where people about to be downsized are scrambling to begin  online networking with LinkedIn.  Their excuse of job and family responsibilites leaving them with no time to network is a valid but not when put into perspective…focus on job and family to the exclusion of networking can leave you jobless and unable to support yourself or family!  Consider the fact that a job search used to take most people 9 – 18 months but has now become far longer and 42% of people found their new jobs through networking contacts. Those on the receiving end of the pink slip surprise agree that the day after getting a pink slip is not the day to start updating a resume or building a network.

I’m saddened by the number of missing-in-action colleagues that have called me over the past two years because they are out of work networking.  Many of my colleagues report being alienated by the flurry of  MIA former colleagues and friends – seeing their calls as purely superficial and self-serving – and often they are!  I see them as a call to action and awareness to those that are employed and oblivious.  Do you know anyone that would be on the rude awakening end of a pink slip surprise today?  If so, please encourage them to read this to begin considering the important implications of complacency.

Anyone who hasn’t been on the job market for the past 2 – 3 years is in for a bit of a shock regarding how the rules and complexity of the job search have changed. Becoming active in industry associations is often not enough; checking out free resources on this website, and joining the LinkedIn  JobLife Architects group for tips, discussions and career newsfeeds, are just a few of the things that you can do to stay current and begin to proactively manage your career.

So what will you do today to “start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can, to begin actively managing your career? Take charge – there’s no such thing as a pink slip surprise when you’re ready.

What else would you tell people about the need to be prepared?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a pink slip surprise?

What lessons learned or or “how-tos” advice can you share?