Coming OUT – It’s Not Just for Gays

I’ve been thinking a lot about living with transparency in a world that judges those who don’t fit-in.  That’s because nearly a year ago, I set a stretch goal of living and working with audacious authenticity.

As I reflect upon my big “coming out” I bask in the acceptance I felt when others were validating the 360 degree me but feel the sting of rejection by those who don’t accept me simply because I’m not just like them.  The bonus is that I’m really not all that different! That’s my big ah ha – how daunting it is to live in audacious authenticity in a harsh world.  I’m awestruck when I consider how my experience is dwarfed by the bravery of those who take the real leap of coming out. The concept of “coming out” is intended to “out” the violence of “judging” that encourages some to fear and hate those who are different and forces others to live a lie of fitting-in.

When I felt push-back for being me I became keenly aware of the harsh rejection of those who differ from the mainstream.

So I’m pushing back. Posturing and posing are often a suffocating mask – why do we feel forced to wear them? Do we even acknowledge wearing the mask of the totally together, cool kid to hide our perceived blemishes as well as our beauty?

• How much of your real self do you stuff in the closet because you fear being judged or rejected?
• What percentage of your day and life are you wearing your mask?
• How much energy does it take to maintain “the act”?

So here’s my proposition – come out, come out, whoever you are:

The brave service to our children and the evolution of the world is to live in audacious authenticity.  We need to be role models – to stop teaching our children how to “act” and begin showing them how to “be”.

Instead of teaching them to judge others and pose for acceptance through a veneer of labels, lets help them to see individuals.  When we do, we free our children to learn from the best of humanity and we free ourselves from the self-imposed prison that binds us from living authentically.

It’s not an understatement to say that the world can profoundly benefit if we reveal our genuine spirit – how else can we learn from our collective greatness and frailties in a way that unites and elevates everyone? The more I write about this topic the more emboldened I become.  In part 3 of “Fitting-in” I made an argument that I’m feeling more each day…I have to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.

By celebrating our differences and letting go of fear, we allow the inner peace of releasing superficial limitations and the ability to reach our potential . It’s time to let all of the facets of humanity shine with transparency. All of it – the good, the bad and the ugly…but who’s judging?

So what do you think? Do you dislike being labeled, judged and/or wearing a mask or do you think they are necessary elements of society?

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part 3)

Human beings are hard-wired for social acceptance and are motivated to do whatever is necessary to fit-in or be liked. The question is…at what cost?

Consider the impact on history made by those who have dared to be different; from Joan of Arc to Elvis Presley.  Albert Einstein was initially seen as a failure and out right weirdo long before his ideas were ultimately deemed genius.  He dealt with the rejection by saying,  “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

I’m not suggesting that we ignore convention; we need some level of conformity for order.  Being true to oneself isn’t exactly radical but as Einstein’s quote demonstrates, a certain level of audacity is in order.  An audacious confidence and bravery is vital to balance our hard-wired fear of rejection.

The bravery that I’m speaking about was summed up beautifully in a comment to part 1 of this series. Karen Swim said, ” doing me scared is better than not doing me at all”.  So many of you commented with encouragement, honesty and refreshing revelations – thank you!  Some of you have arrived, some of you are just embarking on this journey and I’m not at audacious yet.  So when the trepidation comes to call, I have to affirm my resolve to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.  I’ve also become keenly aware that audacious transparency is necessary if I hope to find my “right people”.  By “right people” I’m referring to the people that I am best suited to serve or those who bring joy and knowledge to counter-balance the stresses arising from inevitable mean-spirited or small-minded encounters.  That’s what defining “right people” means to me – the real beauty is that it’s personal and unique to each of us.

We can spend our whole lives trying to find a few that we consider our “right people” but when we are authentic and transparent, they find us -  and we soon find that we are surrounded just the right elements for our growth.

Audacious authenticity isn’t reserved for those with the power to revolutionize the planet – it can revolutionize each of us.  What do we miss when people live and die without the freedom to bloom, to bring forth their unique essence?  In Science, Religion, World Culture, Sociology, Education, Music, Media, and more, the very soul of innovation and our evolution was made manifest by those considered anything but normal.   These brave souls who “marched to the beat of a different drum”, were able to be true to themselves, actualize their true potential, and in the making, make us all better for it!

How does “fitting-in” impact your peace of mind or quality of life?

What would it feel like to be truly comfortable (authentic/transparent) in your own skin?

What would working with your “right people” look and feel like?

What might you be able to achieve if fitting-in was eliminated from the equation?

Read part 2 of this series.

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part I)

Truth be told, I have never found a comfortable fit in any one peer group.

I first noticed it in high school – a time when we need to “belong” to a group or clique but the problem was that as a high honor, Jesus-loving, pot-smoking (hey it was the 70′s),  student council do-gooder and cheerleader, I didn’t fit-in with the brainiacs, the stoners, the Jesus freaks, the joiners, or the jocks.  Even though I related to an aspect of each group, there were other aspects of the groups that didn’t fit me and many of my own aspects that didn’t fit them.  Grappling with the teen angst, I remembered wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal”  and subscribe to one of those groups.

While journaling about my conundrum one evening, I dragged out the dictionary and looked up the definition of normal.  I was surprised that the terms (not deviating, conforming, standard, regular) used to describe what I thought I desperately wanted to be, were what I simply couldn’t aspire to being.   Then I realized that the desire to be “normal” must be an oxymoron for a lot of other people, too.  The problem with “being normal” is that many of us don’t want to be just  “average” but we don’t want to be seen as a “weirdo” either – we want acceptance, we want to fit-in but we also need to be allowed to be ourselves.

I’ve pondered the topic ever since the teen journaling years so this post is likely to be a series on the topic because while I thought I had found a comfortable place, the use of social media has forced the issue anew.   So here I am grappling with finding the right balance of fitting-in vs. daring to show my authentic and transparent self with the similar angst about the risks of ridicule and rejection.  My first paragraph was a huge leap  so if you’re reading this, I took a deep breath and hit the publish button.  If you can relate, please join me in exploring what normal, fitting-in, authentic and transparent mean to you.

Please join in the discussion with a comment and/or read on to part 2.

What does the right mix look like?

What are the risks?

How much of ourselves  should be revealed in order to be to be transparent and authentic?

How much is too much?