The Bipolar Emotions of Grief
December 30, 2010 by Jeanne Male
- Image via Wikipedia
This is my first post since November 5th and that post will always be special to me. The post “Can Life Lessons Be Taught…or must they be learned the hard way” was partially inspired by my desire to tease out some life lessons from a dear friend and mentor, John Reddish. His comments were, to the best of my knowledge, his last published words – he died on December 8th.
I’m finding that he continues to teach me through the grieving process.
Today was a rough emotional day and as I reflect upon my feelings, I have a new-found empathy for what it may be like to suffer from bi-polar disorder. Periods of “normalcy” are interrupted by waves of depressed mourning or the elation of random happy memories – but unlike the episodic symptoms of manic depression, the emotions appear in parallel or even simultaneously. A TV montage of famous folks who died during the past decade just provided an example and heightened those feelings. Happiness at seeing their faces and celebrating their contributions with simultaneous sadness at their loss.
I’m able to contain the emotions but I don’t seem able to control them, otherwise I would choose to make the grieving stop. I suspect those with bipolar disorder feel the same way.
I have mourned the loss of a 15 year marriage, grandparents, a stepfather, father-in-law, father and brother – each have created watershed moments in my personal growth.
This loss is different in that I have never lost a close friend before. In addition, I’m at a point in my life when I have experienced enough loss in my life to identify a trend.
I see that when I am very sad or sick, I tend to go quiet and just “be” with the feelings – allowing myself to feel and reflect upon what is taking place. In this state of quiet reflection, I have avoided phone calls so I pondered if I could be slipping into depression – I don’t think so. When processing the finality of losing a dear friend, the mundane issues or dramas of everyday chats seem too frivolous to entertain – I couldn’t converse in a genuine way.
Until today, I have simply been quiet. I have not even wanted to write, with the exception of working on the memorial service and eulogy which was a very healing exercise. I guess I thought I had mourned – not so, the mysterious crashing of dual emotions returned to teach me more today.
My zen pals have unwittingly said, “don’t grieve” which despite the best intentions, felt ill-informed. As a student of Eastern philosophy since my brother’s death in 1993, I know something about non-attachment and today I learned something about grief. It is less of a Pandora’s box to keep a lid on and more of a gift box because we receive the pure joy of an open heart as well as the searing pain of loss. It’s really okay and perhaps preferable to just “be” with the simultaneous, seemingly bi-polar emotions for a time. Observing the rise and fall of the emotions and reflecting upon them taught me a lot about myself. Today, I am honoring the lessons that can only be learned from losing loved ones.
What has grief or mourning taught you about life, emotions, your loved ones, or yourself?
Jeanne, so many sentences in your post cling to my heart – this phrase: “the mysterious crashing of dual emotions” is incredible-poetic!
And *this*: “a gift box because we receive the pure joy of an open heart as well as the searing pain of loss” ohmyword!!
But, bottom line – even below your ability with words – the FEELINGS you share here are so heart touching – so helpful (isn’t it always helpful to read or hear something that lets you know you’re not the only one?) and so beautiful in the sharing. Thank you!
Jeanne,
Your words are really beautiful. I too am learning that there are lessons that can only be learned through death. John was a dear friend to me — a wise counselor, mentor. He gave me much. In death, John is teaching me how to grieve – that it is ok, and simultaneously how to be with the departed. I can literally hear his advice, feel his presence and at the same time experience joy and sadness like you (as I write this I feel a chill, goosebumps, tears and joy). So thank you for the label of the “bi-polar” nature of grieving; it is really helpful.
Most importantly, the words he spoke to me when he was living have come home to resonate on another and more complex level, full of even more meaning that when his advice was given in person. How many times do we take others’ words for granted when they are living, or is the real deep meaning only available in hind sight?
Dear Karen,
Your joyous avatar and kind praise made my heart well with gratitude.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, to validate my thoughts and feelings and to help with the learning and healing.
I’m profoundly grateful to you and for social media for enabling us to connect, laugh, share, support and learn. Here’s to a tweet-up in 2011!
Dear Jeanne -
Thank you for sharing your experience of losing someone. The avoidance of these feelings – like your zen pals ill-advise – is driving so much of the societal issues we are facing – I could literally write a book!
I would like to encourage you to continue to update us on the process. Dr Alan Wolfelt – the premiere expert on grief in North America – uses the term “grief-bursts” to describe those moments. We all experience “grief-bursts” when we are reminded of the permanent physical absence of someone we love. Dr. Wolfelt suggests that we may experience them for the duration of our time on earth and not just during the traditional mourning period.
Blessing of peace for you and all who love -
CH~
Thank you for your supportive comments, Christine! I was previously unfamiliar with the work of Dr. Wolfelt and will explore it further.
Your request for progress updates is interesting. It’s too soon but the grief-bursts are becoming less intense and have become more akin to grief-waves.
To your comment regarding the duration, I suspect we truly never forget the loss. I still long for each of my loved ones who have passed on.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and encourage me to continue examining the process. I look forward to exploring your blog and to getting to know you better.
Kind regards,
Jeanne