Are You Normal? Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part I)
November 8, 2009 by Jeanne Male
Filed under Career Management, Life Satisfaction, Values
- Image by Kenoir via Flickr
Truth be told, I have never found a comfortable fit in any one peer group.
I first noticed it in high school – a time when we need to “belong” to a group or clique but the problem was that as a high honor, Jesus-loving, pot-smoking (hey it was the 70’s), student council do-gooder and cheerleader, I didn’t fit-in with the brainiacs, the stoners, the Jesus freaks, the joiners, or the jocks. Even though I related to an aspect of each group, there were other aspects of the groups that didn’t fit me and many of my own aspects that didn’t fit them. Grappling with the teen angst, I remembered wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal” and subscribe to one of those groups.
While journaling about my conundrum one evening, I dragged out the dictionary and looked up the definition of normal. I was surprised that the terms (not deviating, conforming, standard, regular) used to describe what I thought I desperately wanted to be, were what I simply couldn’t aspire to being. Then I realized that the desire to be “normal” must be an oxymoron for a lot of other people, too. The problem with “being normal” is that many of us don’t want to be just “average” but we don’t want to be seen as a “weirdo” either – we want acceptance, we want to fit-in but we also need to be allowed to be ourselves. I’ve pondered the topic ever since the teen journaling years so this post is likely to be a series on the topic because while I thought I had found a comfortable place, the use of social media has forced the issue anew. So here I am grappling with finding the right balance of fitting-in vs. daring to show my authentic and transparent self with the similar angst about the risks of ridicule and rejection. My first paragraph was a huge leap so if you’re reading this, I took a deep breath and hit the publish button. If you can relate, please join me in exploring what normal, fitting-in, authentic and transparent mean to you.
Join in the discussion with a comment or read on to part 2.
What does the right mix look like?
What are the risks?
How much of ourselves should be revealed in order to be to be transparent and authentic?
How much is too much?
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=c1b68138-823e-4f01-9139-13a256e5fc5f)
Related posts:
- Are You Normal? Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part 3) Human beings are hard-wired for social acceptance and are motivated...
- Are You Normal? Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part 2) Image via Wikipedia Freud dismissed the very idea of...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Jeanne;
Very thought-provoking piece, and one that i think each of us can relate at one point or another. Normal? I think we reach normal when we fully accept ourselves for who we are.
Namasté
Mitzi
Jeanne,
You’ve addressed an issue that I think has different connotations as we grow older. I think the “fitting-in” now for me isnt so much wanting to belong to a group but simply to have my now “authentic-self” accepted for whom/what it is. Example: Twitter – What you read out there really is me, my personality, my essence. I dont care how many followers I have, what lists I’m included in, etc. I simply want those people who do follow me to see and accept me for who I am. Obviously I dont reveal everything about my life on a social network but I hope I’m revealing just enough to let people see “me” for who I am. Do I feel rejected if someone stops following me? Absolutely not! I look at “fitting-in” now a people wanting to be in my group
I like how personal you were in the first paragraph. Humor and honesty!
JM,
I know few people who haven’t questioned, often with great frustration, just how much of their reality was the authentic them, how much was what family and friends wanted them to be and how much was forged in the growing up process. I also think it true that too many of us have a less than satisfactory or satisfying answer for our boundaries, lamenting having “gone along to get along too many times.”
For some time, prior to the advent of social media, there has been a developing trend to “tell all” in order to purge, be freed from past constraints and re-set our priorities and commitments. Social media has given a new and stronger voice to this wanting to find (and embrace) authenticity. What was once TMI, now seems quite tame. More people are speaking out. SM has fostered a greater sense of acceptance and can be very forgiving. And, it allows a level of accepted personal revelation previously unknown. Moreover, its mantras of transparency and full disclosure invite baring all.
The fact is that more and more, we realize that the old model, requiring – self-containment and following traditional paths, just doesn’t work. Blame Joseph Campbell, blame a permissive society, blame the “me” generation, blame the New Age, but more and more of us are seeking to “follow our bliss” and because the old model isn’t working, more and more traditionalists are paying attention, even making allowances.
With more allowances for diversity/disparity, people are learning to fit in new ways. It’s a looser fit, to be sure but it’s a fit without many penalties and without much prejudice. These days, we reveal ourselves in many ways we may not even think of. Finding a more embracing society may come less as an act of choice and more one of necessity, but it has come – and I believe we are better for it.
Yes, your post is both thought provoking and should probably be the first first of a series. Keep ‘em coming. Thanks for sharing.
John
John Reddish´s last blog ..Business Leadership and Responsibility
Gradually as trust builds I can reveal more of myself. Gradually we can explore differences and with acceptance can grow closer through this exploration.
I think there are some issues about how authenticity is expressed. I can be quite fierce and expressing this early in a relationship can freak people out.
Having said which, like you, it is an on-going issue for me too. Still learning.
Evan´s last blog ..Learning to be Ourselves
Jeanne, what a thoughtful and honest piece. I nodded my head with every line. Just when I believe I’ve found that “right mix” life throws me another question. With age, I’ve learned to trust the inner compass more, revealing what feels right in that moment, being who I am and realizing that could change tomorrow, accepting the layers and shades that comprise the person I am and the one I’m becoming. Are there moments of heart pounding fear? Pretty routinely, but I’m learning to embrace them rather than fight them. Doing me scared is far better than not doing me at all.
Karen Swim´s last blog ..You’re Lazy and You Look Fat in Those Pants
I’m so grateful for your comments!
Mitzi: I like the comment, “normal” is accepting yourself for who you are.
Diana: Fitting-in has different connotations as we grow older is so true. Maybe that’s what they mean by finally feeling comfortable in one’s own skin! Your confidence is beautiful.
JR: You put a wonderful frame of reference around the shift to transparency and struggle for balance.
Evan: I agree that we can grow closer through the exploration of differences and it’s vital to the development of human consciousness.
Karen: How wonderful it was to read, “doing me scared is better than not doing me at all”. SO true…better to be a white-knuckled driver than a gagged passenger in the back seat of someone else’s ride.
It was good to read your post on this subject, as I somehow assumed I was unique in drifting among groups growing up…recognizing both commonalities and differences is all the various groups/cliques you mentioned. Maybe either a sign of somebody very open-minded and enlightened, or, someone who hasn’t decided who they are yet, or both?
The definition of what is or isn’t normal really fluctuates and changes drastically depending on whom one is talking to……age/gender/level of education/ethnicity/religion/country of origin, etc. When looking at it this way, there really is no “normal”!
What is important is the process of self-evaluation in order to prioritize what is important to you in life to be true to yourself and not to please others or a particular group’s ideal of “normalcy” in order to gain their acceptance. Allowing you to then grant acceptance of yourself builds the confidence required to no longer seek “normalcy”, and will give one the freedom to live the life that is destined to unfold as they move forward.
What does the right mix look like? Depends who is doing the looking! Confidence will give a person this answer. It is like a beautiful painting….who decides? As long as the mix is one of “reveal-advertise” only, and not one of “must buy”!
Risks? Risking offending someone not accepting another person’s uniqueness, or being ridiculed by them. Is that really a risk? What’s the downside to that one….them no longer being in your universe? Hmmmm.
Nice post, Jeanne. Very honest and revealing, too, I like that about you. You are not afraid to put yourself out there, and reveal more about who you are, and what you think about. Pot smoking cheerleader huh?
But seriously, I think all of us struggle with the normal issue every day. In fact, it has been only recently that I have adapted an un-normal desire to be a bit more un-normal. I like it.
GL Hoffman´s last blog ..To Lose Weight, Visualize This
Jeff, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! Loved the analogy of the painting and especially your last line. The more that I “live and let live” the more able I am to “let go” of those that cannot.
Jeanne, I’m certainly with you on this one
One of the things I love about blogging is that it allows us to find and develop our own unique voice, and then start to make connections with those who respond to, connect with, listen to, respect and value the person we are starting to reveal. I see so many people growing and stretching through those networks of support – finding the courage to be more truly themselves. Authentic, not fitting in. It’s wonderful. Thanks for exploring it and encouraging more of us to the same.
Joanna Young´s last blog ..How Do You Write to Learn? JJL Group Writing Project
GL: A huge grin came to my face as I read your comment, “only recently that I have adapted an un-normal desire to be a bit more un-normal. I like it.” Thanks for sharing that! For me it feels like I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin coupled with the forces that John Reddish mentioned.
Joanna: So many of your word choices sum it up; respond, connect, listen, respect, value the person, and courage. You and Karen Swim have been excellent models for authenticity and wonderful for helping me to find my voice.
Wow Jeanne Male – my head is still spinning on your thoughts and the comments as a result. Wow and great slice of taking inventory on ones life and self. Thank you.
Hi Jeanne, I just read part 3 and realized I hadn’t yet read part one; so glad I did! I’m smiling remembering a conversation with a friend when I told him that I was almost back to “normal”. He laughed and said that “The Universe” no longer regarded me as “normal”, referring with humor to my sound healing practice. The truth is that while I have pushed my comfort level in certain areas of my life, there are still plenty of places where I can expand. Your article and your honesty inspire self-reflection and a safe place to look at those areas. Your questions are great and if I answered them all this would be another post!
I notice that whether it’s a twitter post or standing up in front of a room full of people, my intellect often wants to censor or edit something. When I clear my mind and connect with my heart, I can clearly feel and allow a spontaneous communication or action. When the deepest part of me is at peace with what I am doing, it no longer matters whether or not anyone else approves. It’s all about whether or not I am connected with my own authentic self and other people just mirror back my inner state to me. I notice this has often happened with twitter tweets–you are not the only one who has been stretched by social media!
Kathleen Casey´s last blog ..Create From a Clean Heart
Tina, thanks for sharing your head-spinning inventory and wows. I cannot tell you how much it means to to know that I’m facilitating the inventory of someone’s self and life.
Kathleen, WOW, I loved this line from your comment because I personally know it to be TRUTH: “When I clear my mind and connect with my heart, I can clearly feel and allow a spontaneous communication or action. When the deepest part of me is at peace… I am connected with my own authentic self and other people just mirror back my inner state to me.” It’s wonderful to create and be in this type of flow and I now remind myself of it every time I am in a situation where things feel “off”.