Who is Defining Your Success? Part I
February 4, 2010 by Jeanne Male
What IS Success?
A “Think Quick” challenge: Right this second, can you state your definition of success?
Most people think they know but few are able to define what success really means when applied to their own lives. And if YOU can’t define it, then WHO IS defining it for you?
If you can’t DEFINE success – how can you DESIGN success?
This quick clip (<2 minutes) of a TED talk by Alain DeBotton creates a great springboard to consider what YOUR idea of success is.
In view of DeBotton’s point about who creates our ideas of success, consider the Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition:
1 - obsolete: outcome, result
2 – degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 - one that succeeds
I was both surprised and saddened to see how the original, now obsolete definition has evolved (or devolved) from generic goal achievement to encompass fortune and/or fame. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with fortune or fame. Like DeBotton, I’m very interested in success. What I’m proposing is that success as defined by worldly standards is often at the root of many a deathbed regret. We simply need to have clarity around what we truly value in order to define success in our own terms.
In his book, Is the American Dream Killing You? Paul Stiles eloquently captures this: “Success in America is neither moral or spiritual nor intellectual nor artistic these days, but financial. Unsure of what they stand for, people rely on money as the criterion for value…people deserve respect and admiration because they are rich. What used to be a medium of exchange has usurped the place of fundamental values…the cult of success has replaced a belief in principles.”
Many who have never questioned or defined success strive to “live the dream” only to awaken to the nightmare of a self-imposed prison consisting of a burn-out job to pay for a big mortgage, serious credit card debt and/or an empty family life. DeBotton talks about the “notion of work-life balance nonsense” – that we can’t have it all and I quite agree. That’s exactly why clarity is vital to prevent burnout and/or rude wake-ups from what we thought was “our” dream. He urges us to be the authors of our own ambition by probing to ensure that our ideas of success are truly our own.
Some folks want to simply hire a coach to tell them how to be successful but this work cannot be delegated. Trying to hire-out defining and designing your success is like asking a cleaning service to clear out your closet. Only YOU can… make the tough decisions, know your style, try things on to see what fits and let go of what you need to discard!
Have you defined success in your own terms? If so, please comment about:
- how your idea of success has changed
- who previously formed your ideas of success
- your commitment to defining and designing it for yourself.
Then answer the questions that follow to refine or define what success means to you.
Answering the questions isn’t easy but it’s pivotal to long-term happiness and the ability to live with purpose and on purpose. It requires that you stop putting one foot in front of the other – that you take a step back to observe and reflect. This quote sums it up:
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.
The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want. ~Mark Twain
So…let’s begin proving Mark Twain wrong. Start with a blank sheet of paper and use Webster’s definition #3,“one that succeeds”- begin to define:
What IS success in each of the main categories of life?
- Family
- Health
- Finance
- Job or Career
- Personal: spiritual, friendships, hobbies
- Community, etc.
- Where does the successful you prioritize your time?
- What are you known as, or for, in each category?
- How does the successful you look, walk, think, and talk like in each category?
- How can you integrate those to create some semblance of work-life balance? What do you need to let go?
IF you’re serious about doing the work, you’re on your way to becoming the architect of your job and life. Start your list and keep it handy for further thought and reflection – maybe transfer it to an index card that you can easily post to consider throughout the day and weeks ahead. Read part 2 to further explore the implications and definitions of success.
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Jeanne, this is a wonderful post. I think it’s so important that we really try to define what ‘it’ is for us, not necessarily what others think it should be for us.
I also think that one thing that gets overlooked in our quest for success is getting caught up in what we want to be, do or have. I wrote about this sometime ago:http://reflectionleadership.net/self-reflection/the-real-meaning-of-life/
It’s interesting, when I go back and re-read what I wrote I now see how what I describe as pursuing a life based on how I want to feel could be seen as a measure of success.
Thanks for helping me to expand my thoughts on this.
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Tom, I’m grateful that you took the time to comment. I know that the questions that I pose are intended as a call to self-reflection and as such, don’t lend themselves to commentary. However, I am very interested in knowing whether the post resonates and motivates others to do the work. I’m delighted that it has helped you to expand your thoughts on the topic and I look forward to reading your previous post.
This is so beautifully expressed, Jeanne–talk about my life flashing in front of me! As I read your words, I reflected again on how I viewed success 20 and 30 years ago. My comment could end up being longer than your post, actually you may have inspired my next post! So rather more briefly:
At a pivotal point in my life, I was surrounded by people who were making a difference in the world and,as a result,the form my definition of success took was global in scope because only something that big appeared to me to be successful. As a result of what I initiated, I was in Cairo, London and Los Angeles presenting my project. It looked as though I and it would be hugely successful, and then one day it all fell apart. It was devastating from the point of view of my personality, and successful from my soul’s! It took a number of years for me to understand that my self-esteem and self-confidence were tied up in my creation; that it was more about proving my self-worth than living my soul’s true expression. When I learned to listen within, I began to understand that my soul has a very different definition of success than our culture. Now my definition of success, while no doubt still in progress, is often non-verbal and expressed by an inner hurrah from my heart!
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Jeanne,
Thanks for this post, my friend Katheen suggested I look at it. Success
means different things in different stages of life. Presently after having
published a book, I am having to look at the parts of me which do not
want to be successful or rather seen. Coming out of hiding is definitely
part of the process of growing a successful life.
Kathleen:
My mind was nodding and my heart was clapping as I read your comments – they helped to crystallize the message. Thank you! When our self-esteem and self-confidence about proving self-worth, we can never live up, even when we are achieving worldly success. You said it so well, “while no doubt still in progress, is often non-verbal and expressed by an inner hurrah from my heart!” Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom.
Hi, Joanna:
Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment! I have a post in the hopper about how our ideas of success morph throughout our life stages so I grinned as I read your words. If by saying, “coming out of hiding” you mean being more transparent or fully authentic, then I’m with you!! See the “Are You Normal” series about fitting-in vs. being true to ourselves. Seems that we may be on the same wavelength. I would also love to hear more about your book and you – I’ll check your link.
Bravo. I love this on so many levels – did when I read it last month but it almost seems to resonate more today because of how I’ve been refocusing my own success definitions. Will be posting on my (perhaps ironically titled!) facebook fan page today – http://www.facebook.com/worklifebalance. I think my readers will find some rich value here.
This is the personal responsibility part of this critical equation. And if more of us spent some time here, there’d be less need for corporate reform because leaders would be setting the most incredible examples.
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