Do You Have a Water Cooler Rap Sheet?
October 29, 2009 by Jeanne Male
When people would complain I would give them an ear, and when the complaints morphed into a bitch-fest, the younger me might even happily join them. But as soon as the rants turned to gossip, I would disappear. I don’t think that anyone really knew how I felt about it; I guess my approach was a bit like the military’s don’t ask/don’t tell policy. I was blissfully happy not to know about the swirling dirt but I also realized that not being “clued-in” could potentially put me at a political disadvantage. I decided that I would have to live with the handicap.
The first Christmas after my divorce in 1994, my friend and admin at the time came over to help me put up my tree. The work was pretty tiring but we kibbitzed about a little of everything, laughed, and drank wine the whole time. It was well after midnight when exhaustion and a snoot full of wine got her to gossiping. I was able to change the subject several times but she would return to the next bit of scoop. On a whim, it occurred to me that if I couldn’t escape the gossip, I should ask what people are saying about me. To my astonishment, she lit up and said, “Ohhh…yeah, there’s one about you, and it’s a doozie”. She went on to chuckle and tell me that anyone who knew me would find it absurdly funny or set the record straight or both, as she did.
Whether you chose to engage in the water cooler gossip or disengage from it, you cannot avoid making the rap sheet – it’s where your reputation is formed. Sure, it’s helpful to have friends that will take your back if you are ever a gossip victim. The more serious consideration is, “it’s hard to play in the dirt without getting dirty” – and we rarely know who our friends are when careers or promotions are at stake. If we stay and play in the swirling dirt, we need to be prepared for the water cooler rap to become a messy mud bath.
- Do you stay for the juicy gossip and if so, are you able to resist the pressure to comment or contribute?
- How often does criticism of management get back to them, including who said it?
- Have you ever had something that you said to “trusted” colleagues come back to bite you?
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Great post, Jeanne. I kept thinking throughout – “Life is too short to be little.”
.-= Chuck Blakeman´s last blog ..Both Kids and Businesses should grow up. =-.
A long time ago, when I was younger and more naive, I made a point of always telling people exactly what was on my mind. I tried to be diplomatic, but sometimes all the diplomacy in the world couldn’t stop the sting of what I had to say.
As time passed, and a couple of jobs, I decided I’d better just keep my mouth shut, until I accidentally discovered, like you, that staying out of the gossip game didn’t mean that others left me out. On top of that, there were people who thought I knew stuff, but just wasn’t sharing with them.
So then I just decided to repeat everything I was told, always giving attribution to my source. This cut me out of the gossip loop in a hurry.
Now if somebody starts off a sentence with “Don’t say you heard I from me, but…” I stop them dead in their tracks and tell them that I don’t keep secrets and I give them permission to do the same with anything I say.
I have to point out that there’s a difference between healthy discretion and keeping secrets that develops with maturity, and in my case, making a handful of mistakes along the way.
But don’t tell anybody I said so.
.-= Don Lafferty´s last blog ..Trust Summit Breakfast with Trust Agents and Trusted Advisors: Trust Me =-.
Excellent points, Don! I’ve also heard of suggesting to the gossiper that they call the person being maligned to see if the gossip or complaint has any merit – an uncomfortable way to call the dirt on the carpet or at least to sweep the dirt out from underneath. My husband has a friend who tells everyone not to tell him a secret because he cannot keep them! I prefer your policy, but either way, transparency is best.