The Unnatural Act of Networking

Does the idea of walking into a room of strangers evoke feelings of excitement or dread?

Whether a cocktail party or association meeting, I typically feel dread.

The need to understand the dread of networking has gotten under my skin. When I think about walking into the Friday evening reception for my first SOBCon mastermind meeting,  I don’t feel the typical dread but I do feel a bit reticent.  This makes no sense for a couple of reasons: First, because the small group of bright, fun and supportive folks I’m about to meet aren’t the stereotypical networking event types.

It also makes no sense because I’m not usually shy.  To those who know me professionally, the idea that I might be shy is ludicrous. I’m the kind of person who could be described as “she never met a stranger” - I absolutely love people.  And since I’m in my second decade of delivering training and keynotes to audiences of hundreds,  I could hardly be described as shy.  The fact remains, I do feel a bit shy or at the very least reticent about walking into any room of strangers and I know I’m not alone.  So if I struggle,  I can’t imagine how challenging networking must be to someone who really is shy. Why do so many of us dread or have a love/hate response to networking? 

While examining why, I’ve had a few epiphanies about the feelings that arise during networking and the methods used to manage them.

• It feels contrived - Since the mid 1990s my National Speaker’s Association colleagues have been advocating use of  the elevator pitch. As a former product manager, I fully appreciate the branding and recall benefits of messaging but I’ve grown weary of hearing and delivering elevator pitches. The idea of repeating another elevator speech makes me a little nauseous.
  

• It’s superficial - We are hard-wired to judge.  Like it or not, in the first 30 – 90 seconds people are judging dress, height, grooming, body language, voice, wit, title. We don’t get to know a person, we get a snapshot of them – one where they are posing…literally.

• It’s clique and power driven - People tend to gravitate to their familiar circles and typically don’t go out of their way to bring outsiders in.  Many are watching the door or looking over the shoulder of the person talking to see if someone more important has arrived on the scene. I can’t help but cringe when I see an over the shoulder glance or while watching the masses flock to the alpha crowd.

• And the #1 epiphany is…you can’t fight city hall - networking is a vital social and career development skill!  So, if you’re not comfortable working a room,  you owe it to yourself to find ways to become a more natural networker.

This self-reflection (above) and being clear about my objectives (below) has provided methods for making networking a bit more natural to me.

Which of the following would make what feels like an unnatural act a bit more natural to you?

• To Connect or Impress? Of course, it’s ideal to do both but we tend to put more emphasis on one area.  For example, to build relationships, the emphasis is to connect- to build business, the emphasis may be to impress.  My business model and personality create a focus on connecting – one of the reasons I dread networking is because I want to have meaningful interactions.  I don’t remember many elevator pitches but I always recall how someone made me feel. I recently had a very deep conversation with someone I had met briefly on several occasions. Neither of us were looking to impress, instead of the usual game face, we allowed ourselves to be a little vulnerable and shared more of our authentic selves – in that one conversation I felt a true kinship with her.  Not that every encounter should be as such, it’s an example of truly connecting versus trying to impress. Turns out, she was just being an exceptional model of what she blogs about, “The Art of Authentic Chit Chat”.

• Are You More Active or Passive? I prefer to be approached than to approach. It’s odd but I only feel comfortable approaching if I have a role or reason for walking up to a stranger.  If I don’t have a role, I have found that I feel much more comfortable approaching someone who looks isolated or shy.  I’ll introduce them to others who don’t know anyone.  I actually formalized an association’s “Welcome Committee” this way. One of my epiphanies resulted in a good chuckle when I realized that I had given myself a  role (to make myself comfortable) to approach others in hopes of making them more comfortable!

• Do You Want to Build Your Power, Customer or Knowledge Base? You certainly can do all three, but your priority is probably based upon your business needs.  If I were a salesperson or had a huge payroll to meet, my priorities might be to build my customer base.  But as someone running a boutique knowledge-based business,  I’m free to seek out fascinating people without regard for their business potential. I just shared an example of learning from my “Art of Chit Chat” colleague and was able to pass along the learning experience.

• Do You Tend to Do More Talking or Listening? Does telling what you know or learning what others know align with your networking objectives? I find that if someone asks great questions or if I don’t have a few good questions to ask, I end up doing most of the talking.  Problem is, I can’t learn from others when I’m doing talking, so it helps to have a few conversations starters at the ready. Of course, I don’t want to sound like I’m interrogating someone but when used appropriately, the questions spark interest, keep people engaged and help me to connect and build my knowledge base.  The following examples are provided as a springboard for you to create a set of questions that fit your style and networking events.

Conversations Starter Sampler

If you could undertake a business venture and know that you could not fail – what would would it be?

We’ve all heard the expression, “you couldn’t pay me enough to do that job” – what would that job be for you?

If you could hear a speech from any leading figure throughout history, whom would you choose to hear ?

If you could be the spokesperson for any product on the market, which product would you happily endorse?

What’s the best thing that you ever learned from a good or bad boss?

What topics do you consider a bore?

What’s the best thing your parents or children ever taught you?

So what about you? Does the idea of walking into a room of strangers fill you with more excitement or more dread?

• Are you a natural or unnatural networker?
• What are some of your favorite questions to spark conversation?
• What other tips can you share?