Write, Produce and Direct Your Own Destiny Program(ming)
January 4, 2010 by Jeanne Male
- Image by Andreas_MB via Flickr
I counted down the days in anticipation of my first appointment with the junior high school guidance counselor…only fourteen days before the secrets to achieving my goal of gaining admission to medical school would be revealed.
As outlet for my enthusiasm during what seemed like an eternity before meeting with “the wise one”, I kept busy compiling a portfolio of clippings to demonstrate my credibility and abilities.
When the appointed day f-i-n-a-l-l-y came, I could barely breathe from excitement. I counted the hours, waited in line and had barely planted myself in the seat before pronouncing that I really, truly wanted to be a doctor. The counselor was silent and just cocked his head the way a dog might when confused or curious. He leaned in and broke the pregnant pause with thunderous laughter. Not the mocking laughter that might just take the wind out of my sails – a laugh that created the sickening suffocation feeling that you may recall as a kid when you got the wind knocked out of you from rough-housing.
Despite reeling from shock and confusion, it only took moments before I begin peppering him with questions in hopes of understanding. His reply then was, “Well, kiddo, pretty girls don’t need to work”… while he leaned in and literally patted me on the head! Ignoring his crass compliment, I continued to press for an answer. I talked about being an honor student, showed him my portfolio of A+ science essays and the bibliography of healthcare books that I had voraciously read as a hobby. After this round of pestering and proof he said, “Well… if you HAVE to work, you might consider being a secretary or a nurse”. He glanced at his watch - I realized that I was running out of time and panicked. That’s when I blurted out, “I just don’t understand why what’s between my legs counts more than what’s between my ears”!
The experience may help explain some fierce feminism on my part but to this day, I don’t know where the words came from or who was more shocked; I still marvel that at 13 (or any age) I uttered them; I vividly recall that this was the first time my ears burned with indignation and embarrassment. We both stared at the floor – he cleared his throat and rose to his feet. There was a long and awkward silence as the “wise one” led the “wise mouth” to the door.
It took years before I realized that my counselor was more classist than sexist. It never occurred to me that my parent’s divorce and my subsequent move to a public housing project was virtually a life sentence. But I, like so many of us (especially children) had allowed his judgment to “program” my beliefs, self-esteem, goals, and limitations.
A burning desire to learn, stretch, and grow made me too restless to stay tuned to my counselor’s program. I began to change the channel and eventually tuned in a “station in life” and a program that I owned. Here, I could be the writer, producer, director, and lead actor in a program called, “Your Lot in Life”. This melodrama and occasional sitcom is about an underprivileged kid who refused to park on her lot in life and instead, became a JobLife Architect determined to excavate, renovate, and build on her lot. In fact, this slice of my life helped me begin to create the JobLife Architect philosophy.
- Image by Midnight-digital via Flickr
We alone must define and design our own success
Or life may happen TO us
Instead of THROUGH us.
You cannot “choose” to change the channel until you identify the programming preventing you from building on “Your Lot In Life”.
What limiting ideas have you gotten from parents, teachers, friends, lovers, family? They are often off-handed comments stated in frustration by those we trust when we are so young that we cannot filter or analyze their veracity -so, they become a part of our subconscious script. They often sound like: “You can’t do anything right” – “You’re stupid or bad at math” – You’re lazy or You’ll never amount to anything”. They may be more innocent or far worse but that’s not as important as how we continue to allow the messages to auto-loop in our heads. We become victims of the unwanted messages like the frequent commercials that we find irritating yet cannot help but recall – argh, like the 1-800- Empire carpets jingle just sprang to mind! Only with maturity and experience can we examine and question them: Is every one of the judgments and beliefs about you, your character, abilities or limitations based in fact or reality? Which have a kernel of truth but became your reality program because they were repeated so much that you lived down to the expectation? Which still haunt you as negative, “I told you so” self-talk just waiting for you to trip up?
Which of these negative beliefs…
- Are not true at all or any longer?
- Inhibit your self-confidence?
- Limit your hopes, dreams or goals?
- Have become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
- Drive you to gain promotions and titles or material success to prove them wrong?
- Need to be censored before they do harm (like an F-bomb or Janet’s wardrobe malfunction)? Do you have a delay mechanism like meditation to allow you to consider before acting on your thoughts?
- Should be edited or re-scripted?
Will you share examples of when you junked the program, wrote your own program, or when you took control of the remote and changed the channel?
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jeanne….great post, thanks for the revealing post. These are always the best. I agree, I think that we are motivated a lot of the time by negative words almost as much as positive ones. My own dad complained every day about his job, making me resolve never to be like THAT. A coach told me I would “Never amount to anything” if I kept screwing up..(in 9th grade)…etc, etc.
It is very interesting to see how some people choose to live down to such negative comments.
Thanks so much for your comment, GL -I needed that. I don’t want to just regurgitate what hundreds of other trainers and coaches have said but rather to share what I know to be true. I have vowed to push myself out of my transparency comfort zone because revealing what I have overcome is vital to mentoring others to success. Stay tuned…because experience is the name that we have given our mistakes, I’ll be sharing a lot more experience!
What an inspirational read to start the New Year in the right direction. I am sure most people have had similar experience as you. I know I have. Reflecting on the experiences used to make me sad, but at some point they became invaluable experiences and helped mold me into something better. Now when someone tells me I can’t do something… It’s game on (at my choosing, of course)!
Jeanne,
Thanks so much for your courageous transparency. We all have these life moments but pretend we don’t. I turned off the programming driving to college my first day on campus. I had graduated a few from the bottom in a class of 525 people and was sure that only one person in the world couldn’t get a job, it would be me.
But on that drive from home to campus I had to put all the dependency, victimology and limiting belief systems behind me. For the first time in my life I had to admit that it was the one who was going to determine where I ended up and that I wasn’t going to be able to blame anybody for that.
After graduating with a 1.5 or so from high school I got a 4.0 my first semester in college and went from there.
What I learned was this:
Circumstances don’t make us who we are. How we respond does.
He/she who makes the rules wins – you’ve done a great job of remaking the rules for your life, Jeanne! Congrats!
.-= Chuck Blakeman´s last blog ..Successful People Focus on the Process, not on the Result =-.
Jeanne,
I read this when my girls were in the room and decided that it was such an important topic for them that we should read it TOGETHER. I’m so glad we did because they also wanted to share their thoughts with you:
I think that i will copy your idea of believing into what i want to be like a engineer,race car driver or NBA player. It does not matter if i am a girl because i belive that i can do it. -Ariana 8 years old
You are right that girls can do anything they want. We should block the bad messeges away from our mind. -Larissa 9 years old
I am sure this reading will encourage them to believe in themselves and filter out those messages that they will surely be exposed to throughout their lives. This was our bedtime story!
Best,
Lydia
Chuck, I’m so grateful for your comment and for sharing some of your own story. Thank you for your encouragement and even for the use of the word brave because sharing this much does indeed feel scary. I’m at odds with not wanting to feel so exposed but I am driven to help others and sense that it’s necessary if I am to truly serve.
Lydia, I had to collect myself after reading your comments. Please tell Ariana and Larissa that they gave me such a great gift. To think that my willingness to be so exposed could serve such a noble purpose gave me chills and welled my eyes with tears. Please thank them for such a thrilling message and tell them that I hope to see what they can do when they grow up. Lydia, in so many ways you are an excellent role model for mothers and this is just another example.
What a courageous journey! I love how you have turned your challenges into the way you can inspire and support others. It can be so easy to get suck in blame and resentment, and like you, I believe that it is our very challenges that can lead us along our destiny path once we accept responsibility for our own lives. It’s a big leap for most of us to realize we really do have the power to do that. Speaking of leaps, that’s exactly how I felt when I left the corporate world and began doing transformational work full-time.
FYI I was kicked out of singing class in the 5th grade by a teacher who just didn’t like me. Little did I know then that one day I’d be up in front of many people singing in a strange language and feeling very comfortable. My throat had seized up at 10 yrs. old and it has definitely been a classic case of the “wounded healer”. How would we be able to be empathic or compassionate, if we didn’t know how our clients, friends or family felt from the inside. My wonderful dentist told me something I will never forget. He had just given me a shot before filling a tooth and it was totally painless. I was amazed and asked him how he could do that? His reply was that every dentist should have a shot once a week to remember how it feels! So whenever I am faced with a challenge I remember his words, and sure enough, I always feel more compassionate after I’ve gone through whatever came up. I appreciate all you share so beautifully!
.-= Kathleen Casey´s last blog ..Does the Question or the Answer Ignite Your Passion? =-.
Jeanne, thanks so much for sharing this. It is very powerful – because it comes from your personal story. It gives it that ring of truth and sizzle of power going down the back of the spine!
I was lucky in many ways as a child to be encouraged and supported, told that girls could be high achievers and fulfil academic promise… the problem was that all the focus was on academic success, not emotional literacy or creative flair. I found myself – like many others – half way through my life, outwardly successful, but wondering what on earth it was all about (and deeply unhappy.)
I’ve spent the last few years undoing and redoing that programming, and getting rid of those old limiting beliefs like ‘but I’m not creative!’. I now think of myself as a creative person, and endlessly enjoy practicing it, over and over in the new programme of my life
Tiffany: Love your statements, “…invaluable experiences and helped mold me into something better. Now when someone tells me I can’t do something… It’s game on (at my choosing, of course)!”
Kathleen: Your examples are a shining example of a JobLife Architect. I’m impressed by your bravery to leave the corporate world to pursue transformational work. I also think that it’s often challenging for an empath (love and compassion) to survive the corporate jungle. Thanks so much for sharing some of your story with us.
Joanna: I’m delighted that you commented and shared some of yourself with us. I’m tremendously grateful for your kind words. I’ve learned so much from you and deeply appreciate that your words are sincere so I read the first paragraph and your DM several times. I was quite surprised that some of the very things that I admire about you (your emotional intelligence and creativity) are the very things that were missing! You used “deeply unhappy” and upon reflection, those are always the times when I have experienced profound growth. Your ability to change the program is another illustration that we create our own realities. What powerful beings we all are and what a waste it is to become withering vines when we can become Jack’s bean stock!
Hi Jeanne,
WOW! What a great read! My “wise one” scenario was slightly different – I was undiagnosed at the time and so had been written off as the one with so much potential that would never be realized. My guidance counselor encouraged me to stick with typing and business etiquette classes since it was clear to him that I would never make it into college. In fact, it took me until 2007 (25 years post high school) to complete my college degree. I’m not sure if I view myself as the one with unrealized potential or the one who has maxed out my potential and I should just be grateful for what I have and keep my big ideas filed away labeled “fantasy”. I’m going to continue to browse “JobLife Architect” because I suspect that you will continue to inspire me. I never imagined I could have a new role model at my age! Thanks so much for being you!
I have read this so many times and each time it resonates deeper within me. I know your story and have had the pleasure of accompanying you on part of the journey. Your compassion, integrity, talent and intelligence could have been dimmed by the careless words of another yet the fire in your belly was strong enough to shake it off and succeed anyway. However, it breaks my heart to know that there are others who are crushed by the well meaning advice of experts, and advisors. I hope that your voice and passion for helping people to bring their whole self to their lives and professions will rise above and reach those desperately in need of a word of hope.
.-= Karen Swim´s last blog ..Why? =-.
LorriAnn:
Thanks for sharing part of your story! Those reading wouldn’t know how much you’ve achieved and how you mentor others so you might imagine how grateful I am for your comments and encouragement. It means a lot to me. I’m so happy that you’ve stopped by!
Karen:
You’ve been so inspirational in providing me with the courage and role model to speak my truth so that I can serve others. I’m profoundly grateful for both your inspiration and for how instrumental you’ve been in helping me to breathe life into the vision for this site. You have deeply enriched my life in a way that I hope to do for others.
Wow, hard to believe this fellow’s attitude was considered “conventional wisdom” not all that long ago, isn’t it? I’m glad we’ve managed to raise our childrens’ sight a bit higher than that these days.
What you describe sounds a lot like the day I decided to reprogram my own life and finish my engineering degree. Like LorriAnn above, I finished it 20 years after I started it. But it’s been a great experience setting new limits and jumping them!
A tip o’ the hat to ya, Jeanne!
.-= Robert Hruzek´s last blog ..Getting the Wrong Impression =-.
Thanks for posting this article!