Ideas of Success Morph by Life Stages
June 15, 2010 by Jeanne Male
Karl Follen, a man of great moral strength and intellectual power said,
“I have found that it is much easier to make a success in life than to make a success of one’s life”.
His words sum up a profound truth that many of us don’t discover until our golden years. But why does it take the better part of a lifetime to define success on our own terms – to see that worldly success comes at too high a price if it is not aligned with how we want to live? I suspect that we unwittingly fall prey to material success but that our initial ideas about success morph throughout our life stages and situations.
Where are you in any of the six major life stages that I’ve defined below?
- Surviving (hand to mouth)
- Striving (fire in the belly or climbing the ladder)
- Arriving (promotion, title)
- Thriving (accolades, hitting stride)
- Resigning (over it, burned out)
- Re-designing (creating, re-equilibrating or re-inventing)
The saying, “life is meant to be lived forward but understood backwards” certainly applies to how I progressed through the life stages that I’ve named according to what it felt like going through them…the alliteration was simply to amuse myself and to soothe some of the sting associated with the struggles of each stage. Only in retrospect can I understand that my humble beginnings drove a deep-seated need to prove something to myself and others during the striving and arriving years. I came down with “affluenza” in my 30s (as many do) and sought what Alain DeBotton calls “social love” – promotions, titles, or wealth due to our desire for approval and respect. I also fell prey to what Paul Stiles points out in his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You?” by having all of the outward trappings but little satisfaction and inner peace.
Striving for success is a very worthy pursuit but we cannot realize success with the mental health and life satisfaction needed to enjoy it IF (to paraphrase DeBotton) when we finally achieve it we realize that it wasn’t what we truly wanted all along. For me, there would be no waiting for the golden years – at 36 during the pinnacle of my career when I had made a worldly success in life, I was given the tragic gift of perspective upon learning that my 39 year old brother had died. Overnight, I realized that climbing the corporate ladder wasn’t what I wanted all along. Suddenly my definition of success was clear – it was always about my core values. I just wanted self-actualization through helping and serving others. This clarity has been fundamental in being true to myself – to live and to work more authentically.
Karl Follen was quite right…it is easier to create success in life. I have personally found it more challenging and ultimately gratifying to live what I define as a successful life. No matter what life stage we are in – just having that perspective can help to provide clarity for living a life of purpose, on purpose.
What life lessons can you share?
- Have you been through several or all of the life stages and back again?
- Do we first need to achieve title, pay, possessions before we can “get over it” or get over ourselves – transcend the desire?
- What hard lessons would you share with those in the surviving, striving, arriving stages or any of the others?
Jeanne, thanks for sharing how you redefined success. I have been through all the stages several times and not necessarily in linear order. In some cases I have experienced several at the same time, if that’s possible (for example, surviving while redesigning). Unlike you, I waited until I was almost 50 before having the courage to ditch the material percs that went with corporate success. Many family members thought I was crazy, especially since I was the primary breadwinner. Many of the years that followed were “survival years” materially, yet rich in terms of learning and relationships. Since my mother’s death last October, I have been in the redesign stage once more, discerning how to best serve others in my “golden years”.
As to hard lessons, what I’ve found is that no matter what stage you’re in, there’s no easy path to satisfaction. Others can help through coaching and support, but ultimately, each of us has to make difficult decisions. The phrase “life is what happens while we’re making other plans” is true. Life is so much a journey of faith, and keeping that faith while we go through life’s inevitable valleys, is key to fulfilling our purpose and feeling good about a life well lived.
Thanks for the comment, Mary! I completely concur that regardless of the stage, it it up to us to find and define our own path to success and satisfaction. There is no coach or mentor to lead the way because creating a successful life often means living authentically which isn’t a “one size fits all” proposition. We must do the hard work of introspection and muster the courage to chart a new course. Your experience is so valuable, validating and appreciated.
This reminds me of Maslow.
It’s difficult for me to believe that at my age I am involved in the “re-designing” of my life. I’ve had the “successful life” as defined in the corporate sphere but it did nothing to enhance the authentic part of my life. It made me forget who I was and forced me to put aside opportunities that would have made me a happier person. Now, while I still have to live in a corporate world and support myself, the drive to create and enjoy the life that I have is much greater than the drive to prove who I am to a corporation, an employer, a colleague. I’ve already proven myself there….now is the time to prove to myself that my life is as it should be.
Diana Thanks for sharing and validating the joy in re-designing! You have beautifully stated what so many people (myself included) feel about this interesting “been there, done that, now what?” stage of life. ~Enjoy!
Oh Jeanne, I’m sorry about your brother dying! And I “get” that the death of a loved one shakes us up in the perspective area (and plenty of others) — not sure why the hard stuff (grief and trauma) come with such gifts, but glad they do.
I’ve definitely been through a number of stages in my life – and I love your stages list. I think I’m in re-defining (again). And sometimes I feel like I’m in that stage an awful lot (it’s my default for some reason).
To your 2nd question — I DO think we have to go through a striving stage (tho not necessarily connected to affluence or title – more to ego) before we can get over ourselves. And I rather doubt anyone in the striving stage would be able to hear anything that would help them skip that stage. I’m guessing it’s important to go through (like childhood is – can’t be an adult before you’re a child) the stage and gain ego strength in order to be able to see past it???
As to the more acquisitive end of all that – I think we can share and show and tell younger people about our experience of realizing that stuff is not all there is — although a lot of them seem better at telling US…
Thought provoking post!! Thanks!
Karen, I’m so grateful for your comments and also for your sentiments of sympathy. My brother’s death changed my life – you clearly understand the importance of such a painful gift.
Thanks for the kind comment about my stages list; I love that re-designing is your default! So many feel burdened but stay-the-course even when their hearts are telling them that the destination is a dead end. Hopefully, appropriate detours along the way will get us to our final destination with fewer “woulda, coulda, shoulda” regrets.
Such interesting thoughts about those in the ‘striving’ stage; I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and share your musings.
Hi Jeanne,
I’m pretty sure that you told me that you want the full @animal in my comments so here it is: I find you easy to agree with but hard to read.
Why interrupt the flow of your article with all of the references to other authors. You don’t kneed them. Better to have footnotes. (Jerry Jerry has been on a craze with this point lately and I believe that it’s true).
Interesting that your brother’s death made your priorities apparent. Perhaps you’ve described the details of the awakening in another posting. Perhaps I’ve read it and forgotten. If you have it online perhaps you can let us know.
Thanks so much for the full Animal – you know that I love you for it! I’m still working to find my blogging “voice” and your comments will help…as usual. It feels odd because I’ve published many business articles but trying to marry job and life lessons is such a different gig.
The comments from @animal and “awakening” word choice is almost eery: when I initially drafted the post, I opened with the very dramatic actual events starting with answering the phone to hear the sound of my mother’s voice. Her words, “your brother is dead” shot through me. Oddly enough, the original went on to state the howl that came out of me sounded like that of an animal -the draft was titled, “the Awakening”. It felt too personal so I downplayed the event to the larger picture. Love the feedback, wish more people were like you. Thanks Animal!