Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part 2)
November 10, 2009 by Jeanne Male
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Freud dismissed the very idea of “normality” as “an ideal fiction” – and of course it is!
When we consider the vast diversity of human beings, we see a kaleidoscope of complexity rather than conformity from the time of birth. Ask parents of more than two children how different each was and you will most often hear that they arrived with differing temperaments, personalities, tastes and talents.
Normal is predicated by our environment: families, schools, social and spiritual, each creates overt and subvert pressure to conform. The published and unwritten rules are reinforced with the selection of those who are popular from those who generate gossip or are ostracized. Even children who don’t fit in the family norm are dubbed the “black sheep”.
A recent example of not fitting “the norm” came from a former employee who called me requesting a reference. She said that after a year in a new job, she was not a good fit in a corporate culture that was suffocating her so she was actively interviewing for a new job. Our conversation reminded me of a time (1990) when as the only female corporate sales director, I wore short hair, boxy suits, and put on a no-nonsense facade in order to be taken seriously – I was convincing, but I couldn’t maintain it; it withered my soul.
So I started to ask myself these questions and invite you to do the same:
- How important is it for me to to fit in? To myself, my family, my job, my community?
- What aspects of my true self do I need to suppress or hide in order to fit in?
- To what degree can I really be myself at work, with friends, or even at home?
- Do I sometimes feel like an imposter or actor?
- Am I exhausted at day’s end from “acting” my role or wearing my “game-face” all day?
- Am I affected by the need to “stuff” a part of who I am for such a big part of my day and life?
- Do I value social approval over self-actualization?
- Do I prevent others from knowing me and benefiting from all that I have to offer?
- If I don’t allow others to really see me, how will I ever find my “right people” – those that get me?
I was so grateful for the many comments to this week’s launch post on this topic. In the comments to part 1 of the series, John Reddish provided an excellent frame of reference for why many of us are grappling with authenticity and transparency and struck a chord:
The fact is that more and more, we realize that the old model, requiring self-containment and following traditional paths, just doesn’t work. Blame Joseph Campbell, blame a permissive society, blame the “me” generation, blame the New Age, but more and more of us are seeking to “follow our bliss” and because the old model isn’t working, more and more traditionalists are paying attention, even making allowances.
Over the years, I’ve become less willing to sublimate the silly and spiritual aspects of my true Self and to trust that others will still be able to see my polished professional facets, too. How about you?
Please consider the following and read part 3.
Have you ever found yourself miscast in a job, relationship, or culture?
Have you ever made job or life changes by asking some of the above questions to yourself?
Are you becoming (or have you become) more daring or vulnerable about sharing your authentic self?
Jeanne,
I read a blog post many years ago before blogs were popular. It was written by a young man in his early twenties and went something like this (paraphrased):
“When I get to work I park, leave my genuine self in the car and go in to work, and I only hope I get out in time at night to reunite with my self before it goes on without me.” Was he abnormal, or more willing to talk openly about what too many people have experienced with the artificial divisions of work and personal life?
I hold the world record for taking 19 years at seven different colleges and over 200 undergraduate hours to finally get a degree. I only got the degree as a gift to my mother, who had watched my sister get her masters at Yale. Which one of us learned the right way?
Albert Einstein once said. “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”
What’s normal?
While I believe there are some basic constants in life, too often we are more comfortable keeping everything in the box “where it belongs.” But the greatest advances are by people asking hard questions and stretching the norm to find things like E=MC2 where no one else was looking for them.
.-= Chuck Blakeman´s last blog ..Both Kids and Businesses should grow up. =-.
Chuck: Thanks for taking the time and most especially for your open and honest comment about the hoops that you jumped through to get your degree. Just today I posted a blog comment about how much more I respect substance over credentials. I was grinning while reading your Einstein missive because you were starting to echo what I’ve already drafted for part 3 of this launch series!
I’m grateful to have found a kindred spirit in you.
I think I’ve been miscast in all my jobs and cultures. My big challenge for the last two decades is: how do I make my living doing what I love? My hope is that blogging will be part of the answer.
I think I’ve become more cautious about sharing myself. I have found that when people say they want to know me that they don’t mean my pettiness and other traits like fierce impatience.
.-= Evan´s last blog ..The World Is Not as It Should Be =-.
Hey Evan – you aren’t alone. It sounds like you feel the way I felt for many years, and for me blogging and starting my own business helped immensely.
Jeanne, when I was trying to figure out how my new business should look, I had a great conversation with Liz Strauss. She passed along some wisdom she had learned recently: “Do what you love for people who love what you do.” That’s become sort of my Golden Rule for career planning, advice I’ve shared with many others. I’ve seen too many spirits crushed or slowly worn away by being in a job situation that doesn’t fit that description.
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..Add a Media Room to Your Corporate Website =-.
There is so much in what you have written,Jeanne! The first word that comes up for me is safety. So many of us have hidden our authentic self-expression,since we learned in childhood that it was not safe for us. With whom do we really feel safe now and why?
Fear seems to be a dominant theme in our human history. One of the great questions I began to ask myself (and still do!)is what is my motivation for saying or doing this? I was very fortunate in having a teacher, when I was quite young, who taught me that I am not my thoughts, feelings or physical sensations. I learned the practice of “Self-Observation” so that I could begin to make choices rather than simply react. This, of course, is a life time learning. Many great teachers say that we humans are “asleep” and behave like computers, according to our internal programs. Once we begin the process of waking up, life begins to change in ways we could never have imagined.
Evan mentions that people don’t want to know him for traits that are considered less desirable, and I agree. I also think that is what has kept most of us from truly understanding how to love ourselves and each other. Age is also a great teacher. As I have gotten older, I simply don’t have the energy to judge myself or others the way I could when I was younger. In the process, I discovered that when I witness both “good” and “bad” traits in myself and others, I am able to move out of judgment into compassion. This internal process(which happens in our hearts not our heads)creates safety and the ability to love ones self and others,creating an environment in which we can live authentically. Amazingly so-called “bad” traits, when not judged, often lesson or disappear!
.-= Kathleen Casey´s last blog ..Connecting with the Power of Our Ancestors =-.
About ten years ago when I was a participant in a leadership program, each participant was typed as part of the training, and I ended being typed as “eccentric.” At first, I hated that, because I’d been trying to fit in and be normal my whole life, and because it brought up visions of Woody Allen, and other eccentrics. Then I realized that eccentric didn’t mean neurotic, but rather meant “not having the same center”, not being concentric. From that perspetive, eccentric made perfect sense for me. I don’t walk to the same drum as most people, and accepting this makes my life a lot more pleasant. I remember a good friend telling me, “normal is boring”, and, thinking about it, I realized she was right. Besides, normal doesn’t even exist.
We each have our own unique background, interests, and path in life.
Normal is only better when taking body temperature or other medical tests. It’s not necessarily a benefit, and is often a detriment, when talking about personality. Of course, taken to an extreme, “abnormal” can be a problem, if one is harming him/herself or others. Short of that, however, not being normal makes life more interesting.
.-= Randall Krause´s last blog ..Mistaken Identity =-.
Evan: Thanks for your comments! I’m glad to hear that you are finding your own way – you can count on support here.
Brad: Thanks for sharing your thoughts with Evan and also for sharing Liz’s advice. Her words spoke volumes. I, too, have seen too many wonderful people go through each work day enduring the pain like the walking wounded or having the spark/spirit sucked out like the walking dead.
Kathleen: So many of the words that you used resonated deeply and caused me to read them more than once as I thought about your own story of reinvention. I cannot tell you how much encouragement I take from your courage to follow your bliss. You are such a role model for living authentically and much more.
Randall: You made me consider the literal meanings of eccentric vs concentric and to consider how the Observer may be more eccentric than concentric. I found it interesting that both you and Kathleen did not speak about your tranformations from success by worldy standards to follow your bliss. I admire and celebrate your spirit!
All – in the book The Power of Purpose, Peter Temes talks about Tier 1, Tier, 2, and Tier 3 thinking. His book helped me take more risks with others for their good. I think it is a great practical read for challenging ourselves on why we should be willing to take risks with people.
.-= Chuck Blakeman´s last blog ..Kids and Businesses should both grow up. =-.
Jeanne — a very thought-provoking post! Defining the boundaries for authenticity was a prevalent theme in both my corporate America days and now in my consulting/coaching. It’s a personal journey of exploration that’s different for each person.
For those lucky few in the right work environment, there’s freedom for authenticity. However, for many, that self-exploration journey must include decision-making at where to draw the line, e.g. are the limits on “being myself” at work so imposing that I compromise, and hence, lose myself. And, individuals must ask ” am I willing to make the necessary trade-offs; and will I be happy with those trade-offs?” I spoke with an individual yesterday who left a very lucrative sales job for an opportunity to follow her dream, only to discover the dream wasn’t who she was either!
.-= Jane Perdue´s last blog ..Integrity…A Non-Negotiable Leadership Requirement =-.