Can Life Lessons Be Taught?
November 5, 2010 by Jeanne Male
When my mentor, Norm Ferzoco, died I felt a strong sense of responsibility to pay his mentoring forward. Despite freely honoring his legacy for the past two years, I have been deeply pondering whether we can actually spare others from the wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.
As I reflect upon whether my roles as a leader, mentor and teacher make a difference, I keep circling back to the quotation that I use in lieu of a long bio when leading training sessions:
Experience is the name that we have given our MISTAKES.~unknown.
I follow by saying…and I have a lot of experience. Of course, meaning twenty-plus years of mistakes!
But IS it possible to relay hard-earned wisdom (mistakes) to shorten learning curves and prevent painful pitfalls, bumps and bruises OR must people learn from the direct experience of their own mistakes?
Consider these “top-of-mind” life lessons along with your own to test your theory:
-
People may not remember the specifics of what we do or say (or even our names) but they never forget how we made them feel.
-
Our most important learning often occurs during adversity or times of great duress; or the opposite of when we are, as the saying goes, “fat, dumb and happy”.
-
We rarely know how important family is, or find out whom our real friends are, until we are up against hard times.
-
We don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are. A previous post discusses our lack of objectivity due to every day bias because our perceptual filters create a lens of interpretive bias through which we see our individual reality. Because the lens of the masses is a kaleidoscope, objectivity demands that we look at a prism of perspectives – not just our monochromatic reality.
-
Emotional contagion is real! When we are happy to see others they become happy to see us – the same goes for greeting people with a flat affect and more.
-
It is human to lack appreciation for things that are handed to us. Conversely, striving for a prize that is withheld for too long, can suck the joy out of finally receiving it.
-
Much of early adulthood is spent trying to prove something to ourselves, our parents and family. A lack of self-awareness about our motivational drive can land us in a miserable job, loveless marriage and/or serious debt.
-
Avoid people who have acquired worldly success but haven’t gotten over themselves.
-
There’s a precarious balance being humble and becoming a doormat as well as being assertive and coming off as an ass.
-
Validation is magic! Human potential blooms like petals under the light of acknowledgement and warmth of praise. To change behaviors – shine a light on what is right.
-
Innate curiosity and a desire to grow often trumps advanced degrees and pedigrees. Both are great, if I can hire only one, give me the former over the latter any day!
-
Success is not for “other” people. The most famous and together people on the planet have their issues, problems and foibles. Most of them simply wanted it more, knew the right people and/or had opportune timing.
-
Refuse to think that you are superior or inferior to anyone who knows or has more/less than you – learn from all of them.
This baker’s dozen contains a few things that I “know” from direct experience – could anyone have merely told me? Would hearing the the lessons help if only to raise a warning flag or to validate intuition – or was Marcel Proust right?
“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” ~Marcel Proust
- What do you think?
- Did you learn from “wisdom” that was passed down?
- Do you have lessons to share?
Interesting and thought provoking piece, Jeanne. Regrettably, I find myself in this advice giving stage of my life. Basically, I don’t like it.
I realize that experience is indeed the best teacher, although there are moments of others’ clarity when some people GET my advice. Most, however,simply roll their eyes.
I also realize now that the main problem lies not with the receiver of my “advice” but with my own self.
then, again, I might be wrong.
Thanks Jeanne, I am inspired by your mentor, Norm Ferzoco, and by your willingness to pay his mentoring forward. Interesting question: Can we spare others from wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.
Love your willingness to build on mistakes, yet as leaders we have an obligation to cultivate climates where others can build when they fail, and we (I) often get that part wrong. Other learn most, as you suggest by what they do, by decisions they make, and by reactions they receive.
Thanks for the terrific list of “life lessons,” with which I’d heartily agree. Advice is usually a lost cause, because it rarely touches the person where they touch their challenges:-) Still, when we forget that, we reach out with 2-bits and miss that million dollar moment when we could coach a person to come up with a brilliant solution. Have you found that to be true?
It’s also a cool tactic to laugh at the little things. Not surprisingly, failure overtakes many who feel they must endure daily encounters within a toxic workplace, that fosters cynicism rather than healthy humor. Research shows that those who can laugh at themselves often find winning responses to pressing problems in their own brains and in others.
Humor, when it’s the kind everybody can laugh at, releases endorphins into the brain so that people are distracted from faltering moments and difficult situations, and prepared to focus on winning solutions. To laugh is to alter chemicals within the brain, in ways that reduce stress. Lift emotions and add motivation by building new tools from past mistakes. Laughter opens your mind to operate more from your working memory where you design new approaches to solve old problems, and less from your basal ganglia, where ruts are stored and repeated.
We come with a gene pool with strengths to overcome mistakes, and we come with equipment that allows us to learn from one another’s example modeled. I learn a ton from you on each encounter. Thanks for another thought-provoking post in that direction!
Valuable post – many things to consider – here’s my first take:
I believe the answer is both.
History is rife with examples of those who have learned “wisdom” from mentors, teachers, friends and others, and applied it to pass that wisdom along or otherwise give humankind a helping hand. It is also full of stories of those who have taken a more intuitive path, using their innate skills to do good and expedite growth. In both instances, timing is everything. Nobody learns until they are ready to do so. When ready, they often go beyond their teachers and add another layer of wisdom to the equation of human experience.
In mentor – mentee and teacher – student relationships it’s important to discern as early as possible what will cultivate learning more quickly – the student/mentee’s hunger to learn or the the mentor/teacher’s inspirational skills sets? And sometimes it’s a mixed bag – I have benefited from both hunger and inspiration.
Two examples:
An ex-wife first told me I was a teacher – I had never considered the possibility. That insight, that inspiration, changed my life – and for the better. Until then, and until she brought it up, I guess I hadn’t bee ready.
A few years ago, a friend asked if I would verify a mutual friend’s signature (who had died) with the local County officials. I was told to bring 2 forms of picture ID to prove my identity. I walked into the official’s office and she asked us to sit down. As my friend was about to introduce me, and as I began to retrieve my picture ID’s, she said, “Hello, Mr. Reddish, proof won’t be needed today.” I looked at her quizzically. She went on, “I took one of your planning workshops about a dozen years ago and learned a great deal. While I had forgotten your name, I immediately recognized you when you came into my office.” She went on to recount how she had been in need of planning help found the learning useful – and was still using it in her work. Humbling for me, but her hunger led her to get the learning she needed, and I didn’t know of its value to her for years.
Ellen, this passage from your commentary is something for us to remember:
Advice is usually a lost cause…when we forget that, we reach out with 2-bits and miss that million dollar moment when we could coach a person to come up with a brilliant solution. Have you found that to be true?
My answer is a resounding “yes”! We tend to want to dispense the Rx without first diagnosing the problem. It’s taken a lifetime of work to take the more effective route of listening and asking coaching questions over the expediency of advice. Among my most treasured LinkedIn endorsements are about listening and diagnosing – because I have made those mistakes and have had to work so hard to change my ways.
Ellen, You are a treasured trove of knowledge so I’m honored by your comment that I might return the favor.
Hi Jeannie, you ask if we can teach life lessons to others. Many friends over the years have referred to the “school of hard knocks” as they mention tough situations they’ve encountered. Somehow adversity leads us to focus on solutions. By keeping our focus on possibilities the answers can well up within us.
As a teacher, I can rouse the curiosity of a student and facilitate his or her talents in meaningful activities, but it is what the student does that makes the difference as well as ways the student uses what s/he learns beyond class. T.S. Elliot says it well in this line, “Learning is the lighting of a fire, not the filling of a pail.” In the end, learning comes from within and I cannot do it for someone else.
My daughter went through some very hard life trials. As much as I wanted to change places with her so she would not have to endure what she did, I could not do it.
Thanks for your kind words and honest comments, GL! Funny you should call this your advice-giving stage; my original draft said that my mentor’s passing meant that I am now a member of “the old guard”. Another of Norm’s mentees said that he preferred “leadership sages” – frankly, somewhere between the two terms may be accurate! Semantics aside, I learned at least as much from observing his victories and failures as from his advice…but I still made plenty of my own big ‘uns!
I’m with you – if wisdom is a scar in disguise, then our advice is potentially invaluable and it would be wrong not to share it. My strong desire to help makes me quick to offer advice – I have to stop myself and confirm that it’s being solicited!
Thanks for making me smile and think!
Thanks for your comments,Robyn! My head was bobbing with a resouding “yes” as I read your comments:
“As a teacher, I can rouse the curiosity of a student and facilitate his or her talents in meaningful activities, but it is what the student does that makes the difference as well as ways the student uses what s/he learns beyond class.”
I wonder whether we are able to learn indirect lessons:
e.g. by watching others- I know many who totally refrained from using alcohol after seeing the lives of their loved ones destroyed by it.
And whether some lessons must be learned through direct experience:
e.g. like falling in love with the wrong person despite numerous warnings from trusted advisors.
Hmmm…
John, I’m inclined to agree most strongly that the answer is both – it’s just that there are so many caveats and nuances of each.
The hunger and inspiration examples that you provided also speak to why we teach, lead and mentor:
I had an editor congratulate me on a series by telling me that I had completed the first three chapters of a book that had never occurred to me. It was needed validation and inspiration.
Your second example is the one that touches me most deeply. As a person driven by service, I don’t always know whether my work makes a difference, but believing that it does is what keeps me going. Perhaps the hunger to serve must meet the hunger to learn.
Your comment, “Nobody learns until they are ready to do so.” is an important fact. Maybe that’s what is meant by the saying:
“When the student is ready the teacher will come.”
Thanks for teaching me much over the years!
Jeanne, I first want to use this opportunity to thank you again for your stellar example of the kind of leader I want to (and now know I can) be. Having said that…about 20 (yes 20) years ago when I was at a place so low I didn’t think I could possibly go lower, I was close to some folks who told me, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. To me, this doesn’t mean that teachers aren’t there all along the way, it’s just that we can’t or won’t be ready to learn.
I think its important to offer advice (when asked) but my motivation has to be one of giving without any expectation. Of course, I do remember something you once shared about “pearls before swine” and knowing when not to share even if it means getting the hell out of “there”. Who knows maybe that advice will come in handy for that person somewhere down the line and I won’t be around to see it.
About number 7 on your list. I can’t tell you how much this rings true for me. Especially in this past year. You may recall that my mom passed away in September 2009. She was the only parent I ever knew (I was not quite 3 when my dad died and she never remarried). I never realized how much I held myself back from reaching out and achieving things that are important to me until she was gone. Since her passing it’s almost as if I’ve been catapulted into life where I am ALLOWED to pursue my goals – and that it doesn’t have to be okay with anyone else. I am allowed to want and to need and to stop trying to get bread from an endless series of hardware stores. I always felt as if I was being disloyal to her because she placed so many limits on herself.
I miss my mom a great deal. I only wish that I could have a do over and be my true self with her instead of all of the years of being who I thought I was SUPPOSED to be.
Jeanne, you ask some good questions. My hubby does not drink because he saw the havoc caused by an alcoholic in his family. On the other hand, I have seen children of parents with bad marriages make both good and bad marriages for themselves. Closely witnessing problematic behaviors in family or friends helps us see more and perhaps to reflect and think about how that might affect us in future. In these cases, we could learn indirectly, but not all of us would necessarily.
LorriAnn, thank you for so kind words. It is indeed from giving without any expectation…and when validation of helping comes, it is powerful fuel for driving more service (akin to filling engagement buckets) – would you agree?
I’m smiling broadly: It’s funny that you recalled the “pearls before swine” phrase and I had never heard the “trying to get bread from an endless series of hardwares stores” quip before – like it. The phrases are similar in that if the source or recipient does not have/cannot receive, the effort is futile.
I do recall that your mom’s passing was life-altering. Your “do-over” comment and call-out of #7 are profoundly similar to my own. My brother’s death in 1993 served as wake-up call to be true to myself. Maybe fulfilling our life’s purpose is the highest form of honoring them.
LorriAnn, thanks for sharing your life learnings – who knows, a future reader may be ready to receive the lesson before losing a loved one.
Thank you, Robyn! This certainly is a meaty topic and I’m enjoying the discussion.
Hi, Robyn: Thank you for circling back with a great example prompting deeper thought and discussion! I have also seen many examples of indirect learning where people have completely refrained from alcohol/avoided dysfunctional relationships, etc. because witnessing the abuse created a psychic scar of sorts. Conversely, I’ve seen many who despite loathing the abuse they witnessed, repeat it – presumably, because it’s all they knew or because they didn’t see it as unacceptable as those never exposed to the abuse.
The saying, “children learn what they live” is at the heart of my indirect learning question. Sadly, those who “learn what they live” may be doomed to repeating dysfunctional behaviors. Your husband and others who “learned from what they lived” are the heroes that break the cycle for generations.
Sometime with children, I think that they have to learn by the school of hard knocks. They actually listen at times to their parents advice and learn from our mistakes. The adage that when the student is ready the teacher will appear applies in many cases. You have to open your heart and mind to take heed to the advice of others or learn by experience.
You really made me sit and think this one through, Jeanne!
There is more self-growth than I could ever measure from the real-life experiences/challenges I have faced. I believe I may have even shared some of these with you, Jeanne. I feel very strongly that, although they still weigh heavily on me from time to time, I would not be the person/mother/wife/friend/colleague, etc I am today without going through them.
At the same time, I cannot discount the fact that a good chunk of that wisdom has been from having other people in my life share their own stories. It causes me to reflect time and again on my own life and look at things from a wider perspective. Without these people, I don’t believe that my life lessons would have been felt as powerfully as they have. So yes, I can say that from where I stand, both seem to work together. Thank you, Jeanne, for this opportunity to reflect!
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Keith! As a parent, trainer, coach there is no doubt that you have pondered the question. I’m fascinated by the discussion and what it takes for us to be open and ready for the teacher to appear. We both know that the teacher was there all along. Reminds me of learning a new word or concept and suddenly seeing it everywhere. Of course, it was always there – we (as students) were just at point where we were able to comprehend it.
Hi, Lydia! I’m so grateful to you for taking the time from your busy schedule as a wife/mom of young ones/friend/colleague/and coach to “think this one through” – it’s a topic that I’ve pondered for a very long time and this discussion is so stimulating and helpful.
I completely agree that I would not be the person I am without going through the fire. We may be touching on a different topic but I can’t help but wonder how “those experiences” can help one person to grow and learn, while causing others to repeat them, yet others to be destroyed by them.
I also whole-heartedly agree that reflection is vital – THANK YOU for raising this pivotal aspect of personal development. In our busy world, we rarely take time for reflection or introspection and that’s precisely the point of of this blog. It seems reasonable that IF we take the time to step back, share, explore and reflect upon the learnings of others that we may avoid sleepwalking through life and avoid unnecessary mistakes/suffering.
I wonder the same thing too, very often in fact. Take my husband for example. He’s an identical triplet – genetically the same as his brothers with the exact same upbringing. They spent ALL their time together so they’ve pretty much “lived the same life” with a few exceptions. Although there is much similarity in mannerisms and so forth, they are three distinctly different people. I would say much of the differences became more pronounced in adulthood where they kinda went their separate ways, met new and different people. It would seem to me that having others in your life that compel you to reflect time and again….or not…. has a huge impact on who you are today. Very similar to what you said above: “…IF we take the time to step back, share, explore and reflect upon the learnings of others that we may avoid sleepwalking through life…..”