Lessons in Living, Fighting and Dying Well

When our lives end, the only enduring remains are the imprints left on the lives we touched. This post is intended to honor the memory of an extraordinary joblife architect by sharing a glimpse of the unique imprint left by my dear friend and mentor, John Reddish.

I’ve learned a lot from job and life mentors but nothing can compare to what he taught me – John showed me how to die.

The following is adapted from my eulogy remarks:

In 1998 when John Reddish and I met at a National Speakers Association meeting, little did we know that the future would place us side-by-side in the trenches of the fiercest battle that each of us would ever fight.

Two years later, John fought with me in the trenches of a Federal court battle to protect my intellectual property. It was during that 8 month battle and our quick daily “bulleted” phone updates, that JR became shorthand for John and I was dubbed JM.

Over the next decade, a very strong bond of mutual respect evolved… but had not yet been tested. That test came in April when JR sent me the diagnostic CAT scan report.  As I read and re-read the report, there was no doubt that that he was deep in the trenches and in grave danger.

Some have wondered why I took the role as his healthcare advocate.  It wasn’t because I could or should.  But simply because those who have stood and fought side by side in the trenches know the importance of keeping a constant eye out for each other.

So over the next 8 months, JR graciously allowed his dear friend Bill Sawyer and me to share the trenches of chemotherapy with him:

The first 6 outpatient rounds would have knocked most to their knees but IF he didn’t tell you or you didn’t see his hair or weight loss… you would have no idea that he was battling cancer.  He NEVER LET ON and he NEVER SLOWED DOWN.

• During the chemo sessions he would tell me of how touched he was by emails, cards or calls he received. If you are one who expressed shock upon learning that he had passed or disappointment that you didn’t reach out enough…please don’t dismay – shielding you was his way.
• During the longest of outpatient chemo sessions he would often say, “its not my time, JM – I still have too much to do. One time when the Benadryl made him a bit woozy, he slipped and said he still had too much to give. To “give” rather then “do” was more accurate but not something he would normally say – it would be too much like bragging to him. But one only needs to read his FaceBook page to see how much he gave and many lives he touched. He was just getting started.
• When the nurses fawned over the picnic baskets of gourmet goodies that we noshed throughout the chemo days, he would puff up a bit and say, “I have great friends” – referring to all of his friends – I heard him say it often.  The only time I ever saw John display pride was when showing a photo of his 3 beautiful grandsons or when speaking of his friends – they meant the world to him.

In August, when the lymphoma spread and was now at stage 4, we to MOVED from the TRENCHES of OUTPATIENT chemo to the FRONT LINES of HOSPITALIZATION  – it was the difference between 3-8 hours and 3–6 days of continuous chemo infusion!

During this time (between tweet chats no less) John would tell the medical staff that he was fine and felt great…but the films and labs clearly showed otherwise. The doctors, Bill and I shook our heads – in retrospect, he was just demonstrating the best business practice of staying focused on the GOAL (of beating the odds) not on the OBSTACLES. What a wise man.

By then, my job as medical advocate had morphed into wingman and all around “mother bear”.  So when I asked the tough questions that JR expected me to ask, he said, “it doesn’t matter if they tell me that I will die tomorrow, I won’t give up.”

In early November – when the labs showed me that his body was defying his spirit, he never showed fear, never let on and never, ever complained.  How is that possible when you’re dying?  But he didn’t.  From the darkest and most trying of times in the trenches, JR never gave up even as his body gave out.

In the end, we both lost our battles, but STANDING AND FIGHTING alongside JR was an extraordinary honor and education. You see, I got to watch a man LIVE the meaning of the saying…”never say die”.

John Reddish was an icon of how to live, fight and die with wisdom, verve and dignity.

He taught me as much in death as in life.

The Bipolar Emotions of Grief

This is my first post since November 5th and that post will always be special to me. The post “Can Life Lessons Be Taught…or must they be learned the hard way” was partially inspired by my desire to tease out some life lessons from a dear friend and mentor, John Reddish.  His comments were, to the best of my knowledge, his last published words – he died on December 8th.

I’m finding that he continues to teach me through the grieving process.

Today was a rough emotional day and as I reflect upon my feelings, I have a new-found empathy for what it may be like to suffer from bi-polar disorder. Periods of “normalcy” are interrupted by waves of depressed mourning or the elation of random happy memories – but unlike the episodic symptoms of manic depression, the emotions appear in parallel or even simultaneously. A TV montage of famous folks who died during the past decade just provided an example and heightened those feelings. Happiness at seeing their faces and celebrating their contributions with simultaneous sadness at their loss.

I’m able to contain the emotions but I don’t seem able to control them, otherwise I would choose to make the grieving stop. I suspect those with bipolar disorder feel the same way.

I have mourned the loss of a 15 year marriage, grandparents, a stepfather, father-in-law, father and brother – each have created watershed moments in my personal growth.

This loss is different in that I have never lost a close friend before. In addition, I’m at a point in my life when I have experienced enough loss in my life to identify a trend.

I see that when I am very sad or sick, I tend to go quiet and just “be” with the feelings – allowing myself to feel and reflect upon what is taking place. In this state of quiet reflection, I have avoided phone calls so I pondered if I could be slipping into depression – I don’t think so.  When processing the finality of losing a dear friend, the mundane issues or dramas of everyday chats seem too frivolous to entertain – I couldn’t converse in a genuine way.

Until today, I have simply been quiet.  I have not even wanted to write, with the exception of working on the memorial service and eulogy which was a very healing exercise.  I guess I thought I had mourned – not so, the mysterious crashing of dual emotions returned to teach me more today.

My zen pals have unwittingly said, “don’t grieve” which despite the best intentions, felt ill-informed.  As a student of Eastern philosophy since my brother’s death in 1993, I know something about non-attachment and today I learned something about grief.  It is less of a Pandora’s box to keep a lid on and more of a gift box because we receive the pure joy of an open heart as well as the searing pain of loss.  It’s really okay and perhaps preferable to just “be” with the simultaneous, seemingly bi-polar emotions for a time.  Observing the rise and fall of the emotions and reflecting upon them taught me a lot about myself. Today, I am honoring the lessons that can only be learned from losing loved ones.

What has grief or mourning taught you about life, emotions, your loved ones, or yourself?

Coming OUT – It’s Not Just for Gays

I’ve been thinking a lot about living with transparency in a world that judges those who don’t fit-in.  That’s because nearly a year ago, I set a stretch goal of living and working with audacious authenticity.

As I reflect upon my big “coming out” I bask in the acceptance I felt when others were validating the 360 degree me but feel the sting of rejection by those who don’t accept me simply because I’m not just like them.  The bonus is that I’m really not all that different! That’s my big ah ha – how daunting it is to live in audacious authenticity in a harsh world.  I’m awestruck when I consider how my experience is dwarfed by the bravery of those who take the real leap of coming out. The concept of “coming out” is intended to “out” the violence of “judging” that encourages some to fear and hate those who are different and forces others to live a lie of fitting-in.

When I felt push-back for being me I became keenly aware of the harsh rejection of those who differ from the mainstream.

So I’m pushing back. Posturing and posing are often a suffocating mask – why do we feel forced to wear them? Do we even acknowledge wearing the mask of the totally together, cool kid to hide our perceived blemishes as well as our beauty?

• How much of your real self do you stuff in the closet because you fear being judged or rejected?
• What percentage of your day and life are you wearing your mask?
• How much energy does it take to maintain “the act”?

So here’s my proposition – come out, come out, whoever you are:

The brave service to our children and the evolution of the world is to live in audacious authenticity.  We need to be role models – to stop teaching our children how to “act” and begin showing them how to “be”.

Instead of teaching them to judge others and pose for acceptance through a veneer of labels, lets help them to see individuals.  When we do, we free our children to learn from the best of humanity and we free ourselves from the self-imposed prison that binds us from living authentically.

It’s not an understatement to say that the world can profoundly benefit if we reveal our genuine spirit – how else can we learn from our collective greatness and frailties in a way that unites and elevates everyone? The more I write about this topic the more emboldened I become.  In part 3 of “Fitting-in” I made an argument that I’m feeling more each day…I have to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.

By celebrating our differences and letting go of fear, we allow the inner peace of releasing superficial limitations and the ability to reach our potential . It’s time to let all of the facets of humanity shine with transparency. All of it – the good, the bad and the ugly…but who’s judging?

So what do you think? Do you dislike being labeled, judged and/or wearing a mask or do you think they are necessary elements of society?

Ideas of Success Morph by Life Stages

Karl Follen, a man of great moral strength and intellectual power said,

“I have found that it is much easier to make a success in life than to make a success of one’s life”.

His words sum up a profound truth that many of us don’t discover until our golden years. But why does it take the better part of a lifetime to define success on our own terms – to see that worldly success comes at too high a price if it is not aligned with how we want to live? I suspect that we unwittingly fall prey to material success but that our initial ideas about success morph throughout our life stages and situations.

Where are you in any of the six major life stages that I’ve defined below?

1. Surviving (hand to mouth)
2. Striving (fire in the belly or climbing the ladder)
3. Arriving (promotion, title)
4. Thriving (accolades, hitting stride)
5. Resigning (over it, burned out)
6. Re-designing (creating, re-equilibrating or re-inventing)

The saying, “life is meant to be lived forward but understood backwards” certainly applies to how I progressed through the life stages that I’ve named according to what it felt like going through them…the alliteration was simply to amuse myself and to soothe some of the sting associated with the struggles of each stage.  Only in retrospect can I understand that my humble beginnings drove a deep-seated need to prove something to myself and others during the striving and arriving years.  I came down with “affluenza” in my 30s (as many do) and sought what Alain DeBotton calls “social love” – promotions, titles, or wealth due to our desire for approval and respect.  I also fell prey to what Paul Stiles points out in his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You?” by having all of the outward trappings but little satisfaction and inner peace.

Striving for success is a very worthy pursuit but we cannot realize success with the mental health and life satisfaction needed to enjoy it IF (to paraphrase DeBotton) when we finally achieve it we realize that it wasn’t what we truly wanted all along.  For me, there would be no waiting for the golden years – at 36 during the pinnacle of my career when I had made a worldly success in life, I was given the tragic gift of perspective upon learning that my 39 year old brother had died.  Overnight, I realized that climbing the corporate ladder wasn’t what I wanted all along.  Suddenly my definition of success was clear – it was always about my core values. I just wanted self-actualization through helping and serving others. This clarity has been fundamental in being true to myself – to live and to work more authentically.

Karl Follen was quite right…it is easier to create success in life. I have personally found it more challenging and ultimately gratifying to live what I define as a successful life. No matter what life stage we are in – just having that perspective can help to provide clarity for living a life of purpose, on purpose.

What life lessons can you share?

• Have you been through several or all of the life stages and back again?

• Do we first need to achieve title, pay, possessions before we can “get over it” or get over ourselves – transcend the desire?

• What hard lessons would you share with those in the surviving, striving, arriving stages or any of the others?

Who is Defining Your Success? Part 2

According to Pew research

80% of 19 – 25 year olds see getting rich

as a top life goal for their generation.

Next is being famous at 51% followed by helping the needy at 30% and being a leader at 22%.

Society complains that Gen X or Y feel so entitled but fails to convict itself of its role in creating an altered reality.  Through no fault of their own many children of the 80′s were handed luxury and steeped in keeping up with the Joneses.  The decade of excess epitomized by the 1980′s in America (sometimes dubbed the decade of greed) seriously skewed our ideas about success.  Young adults were no longer satisfied living in a split-level or ranch homes that they grew up in but built executive homes, put their children in designer clothing and more.  On page 33 of his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You”?, Paul Stiles states:

“Since the 1980s, American personal savings rates have been going down while personal income has risen and credit card debt has tripled.”

If adults fell prey to the messages, consider how firmly entrenched the entitlement mindset might be for those born during that time.  It’s true: Children learn what they live and those who are  late Gen X and all of Gen Y have never known any other way of thinking or being.

In part I of this series we examined how something as fundamental as how the very definition of the word success; initially meaning achieving a goal, had devolved to become about material wealth.  The the clip by Alain DeBotton urged us to consider how we “suck in” our ideas of success from outside sources. What we are experiencing is a potentially dangerous mind meme – the belief that success means money, prestige and status has gone viral.  The problem with any meme is that we are often unaware of its impact on our thoughts, values and behaviors. This unchecked meme is dangerous because it’s at the root of so much unnecessary suffering – personal debt, low self-esteem, corporate greed, mistrust, political backstabbing, stress, and depression – among a few.

Stiles provides an example of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs when he states:

“Money only buys happiness up to a point. Once you have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and food on the table, multiple sources suggest that all the money in the world will not make you a bit happier.  Ironically, beyond a certain point, money actually buys unhappiness.  After a basic standard of material well-being, happiness comes from family and friends, marriage, leisure activities, and the nature of your work.  Ironically, these are all negatively impacted by the excessive pursuit of money, which creates stress, steals family time, alters moods, and breeds friction”…Oh, yeah and also that deathbed regret thing.

The point is that being infected with the meme (previously dubbed “Affluenza”) of never having or being enough can make us miserable, so why DO we accept it as a part of life – like the common cold?  Especially since unlike the common cold, we can inoculate ourselves to the meme by mindfully choosing what success means to each of us.  Getting inoculated means that when we become the authors of our own ambition, if we come down with an occasional case of piggy-itis, we aren’t likely to suffer unduly or succumb to it.

So what do you think?  Do you feel the tug, get sucked-in from time-to-time, or still grapple with your personal definition of success?  Please offer your thoughts and take this 30 second poll to identify your “top-o-mind” idea of  success – if you answer “other” to the poll choices, a quick comment below will be illuminating and most appreciated.

Who is Defining Your Success? Part I

What IS Success?

A “Think Quick” challenge: Right this second, can you state your definition of success?

Most people think they know but few are able to define what success really means when applied to their own lives. And if YOU can’t define it, then WHO IS defining it for you?

If you can’t DEFINE success – how can you DESIGN success?

This quick clip (<2 minutes) of a TED talk by Alain DeBotton creates a great springboard to consider what YOUR idea of success is.

In view of DeBotton’s point about who creates our ideas of success, consider the Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition:

1 -  obsolete: outcome, result
2  – degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 -  one that succeeds

I was both surprised and saddened to see how the original, now obsolete definition  has evolved (or devolved) from generic goal achievement to encompass fortune and/or fame. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with fortune or fame. Like DeBotton, I’m very interested in success. What I’m proposing is that success as defined by worldly standards is often at the root of many a deathbed regret. We simply need to have clarity around what we truly value in order to define success in our own terms.

In his book, Is the American Dream Killing You? Paul Stiles eloquently captures this: “Success in America is neither moral or spiritual nor intellectual nor artistic these days, but financial. Unsure of what they stand for, people rely on money as the criterion for value…people deserve respect and admiration because they are rich. What used to be a medium of exchange has usurped the place of fundamental values…the cult of success has replaced a belief in principles.”

Many who have never questioned or defined success strive to “live the dream” only to awaken to the nightmare of a self-imposed prison consisting of a burn-out job to pay for a big mortgage, serious credit card debt and/or an empty family life. DeBotton talks about the “notion of work-life balance nonsense” – that we can’t have it all and I quite agree.  That’s exactly why clarity is vital to prevent burnout and/or rude wake-ups from what we thought was “our” dream.  He urges us to be the authors of our own ambition by probing to ensure that our ideas of success are truly our own.

Some folks want to simply hire a coach to tell them how to be successful but this work cannot be delegated. Trying to hire-out defining and designing your success is like asking a cleaning service to clear out your closet. Only YOU can… make the tough decisions, know your style, try things on to see what fits and let go of what you need to discard!

Have you defined success in your own terms? If so, please comment about:

• how your idea of success has changed
• who previously formed your ideas of success
• your commitment to defining and designing it for yourself.

Then answer the questions that follow to refine or define what success means to you.

Answering the questions isn’t easy but it’s pivotal to long-term happiness and the ability to live with purpose and on purpose. It requires that you stop putting one foot in front of the other  – that you take a step back to observe and reflect. This quote sums it up:

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.

The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.   ~Mark Twain

So…let’s begin proving Mark Twain wrong. Start with a blank sheet of paper and use Webster’s definition #3,“one that succeeds”- begin to define:

What IS success in each of the main categories of life?

1. Family
2. Health
3. Finance
4. Job or Career
5. Personal: spiritual, friendships, hobbies
6. Community, etc.

- Where does the successful you prioritize your time?

- What are you known as, or for, in each category?

- How does the successful you look, walk, think, and talk like in each category?

- How can you integrate those to create some semblance of work-life balance? What do you need to let go?

IF you’re serious about doing the work, you’re on your way to becoming the architect of your job and life.  Start your list and keep it handy for further thought and reflection – maybe transfer it to an index card that you can easily post to consider throughout the day and weeks ahead.  Read part 2 to further explore the implications and definitions of success.

Write, Produce and Direct Your Own Destiny Program(ming)

I counted down the days in anticipation of my first appointment with the junior high school guidance counselor…only fourteen days before the secrets to achieving my goal of gaining admission to medical school would be revealed.

As outlet for my enthusiasm during what seemed like an eternity before meeting with “the wise one”,  I kept busy compiling a portfolio of clippings to demonstrate my credibility and abilities.

When the appointed day f-i-n-a-l-l-y came, I could barely breathe from excitement.  I counted the hours, waited in line and had barely planted myself in the seat before pronouncing that I really, truly wanted to be a doctor.  The counselor was silent and just cocked his head the way a dog might when confused or curious.  He leaned in and broke the pregnant pause with thunderous laughter.  Not the mocking laughter that might just  take the wind out of my sails – a laugh that created the sickening suffocation feeling that you may recall as a kid when you got the wind knocked out of you from rough-housing.

Despite reeling from shock and confusion, it only took moments before I begin peppering him with questions in hopes of understanding.  His reply then was, “Well, kiddo, pretty girls don’t need to work”… while he leaned in and literally patted me on the head!  Ignoring his crass compliment, I continued to press for an answer.  I talked about being an honor student, showed him my portfolio of A+ science essays and the bibliography of healthcare books that I had voraciously read as a hobby.  After this round of pestering and proof he said, “Well… if you HAVE to work, you might consider being a secretary or a nurse”.  He glanced at his watch -  I realized that I was running out of time and panicked.  That’s when I blurted out, “I just don’t understand why what’s between my legs counts more than what’s between my ears”!

The experience may help explain some fierce feminism on my part but to this day, I don’t know where the words came from or who was more shocked; I still marvel that at 13 (or any age) I uttered them;  I vividly recall that this was the first time my ears burned with indignation and embarrassment.  We both stared at the floor – he cleared his throat and rose to his feet.  There was a long and awkward silence as the “wise one” led the “wise mouth” to the door.

It took years before I realized that my counselor was more classist than sexist.  It never occurred to me that my parent’s divorce and my subsequent move to a public housing project was virtually a life sentence.  But I, like so many of us (especially children) had allowed his judgment to “program” my beliefs, self-esteem, goals, and limitations.

A burning desire to learn, stretch, and grow made me too restless to stay tuned to my counselor’s program.  I began to change the channel and eventually tuned in a “station in life” and a program that I owned.  Here, I could be the writer, producer, director, and lead actor in a program called, “Your Lot in Life”.  This melodrama and occasional sitcom is about an underprivileged kid who refused to park on her lot in life and instead, became a JobLife Architect determined to excavate, renovate, and build on her lot.  In fact, this slice of my life helped me begin to create the JobLife Architect philosophy.

We alone must define and design our own success

Or life may happen TO us

Instead of THROUGH us.

You cannot “choose” to change the channel until you identify the programming preventing you from building on “Your Lot In Life”.

What limiting ideas have you gotten from parents, teachers, friends, lovers, family?  They are often off-handed comments stated in frustration by those we trust when we are so young that we cannot filter or analyze their veracity -so, they become a part of our subconscious script.  They often sound like: “You can’t do anything right” – “You’re stupid or bad at math” – You’re lazy or You’ll never amount to anything”. They may be more innocent or far worse but that’s not as important as how we continue to allow the messages to auto-loop in our heads.  We become victims of the unwanted messages like the frequent commercials that we find irritating yet cannot help but recall – argh, like the 1-800- Empire carpets jingle just sprang to mind!  Only with maturity and experience can we examine and question them:  Is every one of the judgments and beliefs about you, your character, abilities or limitations based in fact or reality?  Which have a kernel of truth but became your reality program because they were repeated so much that you lived down to the expectation?  Which still haunt you as negative,  “I told you so” self-talk just waiting for you to trip up? 

Which of these negative beliefs…

• Are not true at all or any longer?
• Inhibit your self-confidence?
• Limit your hopes, dreams or goals?
• Have become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
• Drive you to gain promotions and titles or material success to prove them wrong?
• Need to be censored before they do harm (like an F-bomb or Janet’s wardrobe malfunction)? Do you have a delay mechanism like meditation to allow you to consider before acting on your thoughts?
• Should be edited or re-scripted?

Will you share examples of when you junked the program, wrote your own program, or when you took control of the remote and changed the channel?

Are Your Values Deal Makers or Breakers? (part 1)

Thk over your lifetime of friendships, romantic relationshis, and jobs.
If you list deal makers that created or sustained them and the deal breakers that eroded or destroyed them, you may be very surprised by the trends that emerge.  Those trends will identify what you really value.

I’m not speaking of  what your ideals or beliefs tell you that you should value but what you uniquely value – what best suits YOU and keeps you in the game (job or relationship) over the long haul.

When you clarify what you value (read “need”) you learn the strategy to play your cards right.  You can live with purpose and on purpose because you know what sparks the fire in your belly, gives you the mojo that makes you eager to come home each night, get up in the morning, and sing in the shower…okay, nix the shower bit because sometimes you just need to belt one out for no good reason!

But seriously, this simple exercise can be wildly eye-opening and only takes a minute to set up.  So ‘cmon, print the PDF or grab a blank sheet of paper to get started identifying your values.

1. Print this Values Exercise page or create your own sheet in the same format.

2. Decide whether to focus on Job or Relationship or both.

3. GOAL: Identify trends in your deal makers and breakers.  Consider every meaningful relationship or job that you walked (or ran) away from. Deal Makers: What drew you and kept you (perhaps too long) and Deal Breakers what ultimately broke the bond or caused you to end it? 

Trending Tip: List adjectives  in each column, e.g. opportunity, material things, safety, belonging, nuturing/love, personal growth or self-actualization, etc.  You don’t need to use the example words per se, just try to use similar words (where relevant) to faciliate ease of trending.  A bit like sorting and organizing the cards in your hand by color and suit, e.g. red, black, hearts, diamonds, spades, and clubs so that you know what you’re holding and how to play them.

If you’re doing the exercise now, take 10 – 15 minutes for reflection and if later, just create the page and put it in a prominent place for reference.  Reflect upon the hand that you’ve been dealt and which cards you have thrown into the discard pile over the years. What you trend may be as rewarding as it is shocking – I experienced a relationship values breakthrough that changed my life.

When you have clarity around your deal makers and  breakers it’s easier to find work that feels more like play and  relationships that don’t feel like work.

This simple but powerful exercise can help you to play your cards right.   I cannot encourage it enough so I’ll tell you what… create your lists and if you show me yours ( just comment about your experience) I’ll show you mine!

Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part I)

Truth be told, I have never found a comfortable fit in any one peer group.

I first noticed it in high school – a time when we need to “belong” to a group or clique but the problem was that as a high honor, Jesus-loving, pot-smoking (hey it was the 70′s),  student council do-gooder and cheerleader, I didn’t fit-in with the brainiacs, the stoners, the Jesus freaks, the joiners, or the jocks.  Even though I related to an aspect of each group, there were other aspects of the groups that didn’t fit me and many of my own aspects that didn’t fit them.  Grappling with the teen angst, I remembered wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal”  and subscribe to one of those groups.

While journaling about my conundrum one evening, I dragged out the dictionary and looked up the definition of normal.  I was surprised that the terms (not deviating, conforming, standard, regular) used to describe what I thought I desperately wanted to be, were what I simply couldn’t aspire to being.   Then I realized that the desire to be “normal” must be an oxymoron for a lot of other people, too.  The problem with “being normal” is that many of us don’t want to be just  “average” but we don’t want to be seen as a “weirdo” either – we want acceptance, we want to fit-in but we also need to be allowed to be ourselves.

I’ve pondered the topic ever since the teen journaling years so this post is likely to be a series on the topic because while I thought I had found a comfortable place, the use of social media has forced the issue anew.   So here I am grappling with finding the right balance of fitting-in vs. daring to show my authentic and transparent self with the similar angst about the risks of ridicule and rejection.  My first paragraph was a huge leap  so if you’re reading this, I took a deep breath and hit the publish button.  If you can relate, please join me in exploring what normal, fitting-in, authentic and transparent mean to you.

Please join in the discussion with a comment and/or read on to part 2.

What does the right mix look like?

What are the risks?

How much of ourselves  should be revealed in order to be to be transparent and authentic?

How much is too much?

Do You Have a Water Cooler Rap Sheet?

When people would complain I would give them an ear, and when the complaints morphed into a bitch-fest, the younger me might even happily join them.  But as soon as the rants turned to gossip, I would disappear.  I don’t think that anyone really knew how I felt about it;  I guess my approach was a bit like the military’s don’t ask/don’t tell policy.  I was blissfully happy not to know about the swirling dirt but I also realized that not being “clued-in” could potentially put me at a political disadvantage.  I decided that I would have to live with the handicap.

The first Christmas after my divorce in 1994, my friend and admin at the time came over to help me put up my tree.  The work was pretty tiring but we kibbitzed about a little of everything, laughed, and drank wine the whole time.  It was well after midnight when exhaustion and a snoot full of wine got her to gossiping.  I was able to change the subject several times but she would return to the next bit of scoop.  On a whim, it occurred to me that if I couldn’t escape the gossip, I should ask what people are saying about me.  To my astonishment, she lit up and said, “Ohhh…yeah, there’s one about you, and it’s a doozie”.  She went on to chuckle and tell me that anyone who knew me would find it absurdly funny or  set the record straight or both, as she did.

Whether you chose to engage in the water cooler gossip or disengage from it,  you cannot avoid making the rap sheet – it’s where your reputation is formed.  Sure, it’s helpful to have friends that will take your back if you are ever a gossip victim.  The more  serious consideration is, “it’s hard to play in the dirt without getting dirty” – and we rarely know who our friends are when careers or promotions are at stake.  If we stay and play in the swirling dirt, we need to be prepared for the water cooler rap to become a messy mud bath.

• Do you stay for the juicy gossip and if so, are you able to resist the pressure to comment or contribute?

• How often does criticism of management get back to them, including who said it?

• Have you ever had something that you said to “trusted” colleagues come back to bite you?

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