Lessons in Living, Fighting and Dying Well

When our lives end, the only enduring remains are the imprints left on the lives we touched. This post is intended to honor the memory of an extraordinary joblife architect by sharing a glimpse of the unique imprint left by my dear friend and mentor, John Reddish.

I’ve learned a lot from job and life mentors but nothing can compare to what he taught me – John showed me how to die.

The following is adapted from my eulogy remarks:

In 1998 when John Reddish and I met at a National Speakers Association meeting, little did we know that the future would place us side-by-side in the trenches of the fiercest battle that each of us would ever fight.

Two years later, John fought with me in the trenches of a Federal court battle to protect my intellectual property. It was during that 8 month battle and our quick daily “bulleted” phone updates, that JR became shorthand for John and I was dubbed JM.

Over the next decade, a very strong bond of mutual respect evolved… but had not yet been tested. That test came in April when JR sent me the diagnostic CAT scan report.  As I read and re-read the report, there was no doubt that that he was deep in the trenches and in grave danger.

Some have wondered why I took the role as his healthcare advocate.  It wasn’t because I could or should.  But simply because those who have stood and fought side by side in the trenches know the importance of keeping a constant eye out for each other.

So over the next 8 months, JR graciously allowed his dear friend Bill Sawyer and me to share the trenches of chemotherapy with him:

The first 6 outpatient rounds would have knocked most to their knees but IF he didn’t tell you or you didn’t see his hair or weight loss… you would have no idea that he was battling cancer.  He NEVER LET ON and he NEVER SLOWED DOWN.

• During the chemo sessions he would tell me of how touched he was by emails, cards or calls he received. If you are one who expressed shock upon learning that he had passed or disappointment that you didn’t reach out enough…please don’t dismay – shielding you was his way.
• During the longest of outpatient chemo sessions he would often say, “its not my time, JM – I still have too much to do. One time when the Benadryl made him a bit woozy, he slipped and said he still had too much to give. To “give” rather then “do” was more accurate but not something he would normally say – it would be too much like bragging to him. But one only needs to read his FaceBook page to see how much he gave and many lives he touched. He was just getting started.
• When the nurses fawned over the picnic baskets of gourmet goodies that we noshed throughout the chemo days, he would puff up a bit and say, “I have great friends” – referring to all of his friends – I heard him say it often.  The only time I ever saw John display pride was when showing a photo of his 3 beautiful grandsons or when speaking of his friends – they meant the world to him.

In August, when the lymphoma spread and was now at stage 4, we to MOVED from the TRENCHES of OUTPATIENT chemo to the FRONT LINES of HOSPITALIZATION  – it was the difference between 3-8 hours and 3–6 days of continuous chemo infusion!

During this time (between tweet chats no less) John would tell the medical staff that he was fine and felt great…but the films and labs clearly showed otherwise. The doctors, Bill and I shook our heads – in retrospect, he was just demonstrating the best business practice of staying focused on the GOAL (of beating the odds) not on the OBSTACLES. What a wise man.

By then, my job as medical advocate had morphed into wingman and all around “mother bear”.  So when I asked the tough questions that JR expected me to ask, he said, “it doesn’t matter if they tell me that I will die tomorrow, I won’t give up.”

In early November – when the labs showed me that his body was defying his spirit, he never showed fear, never let on and never, ever complained.  How is that possible when you’re dying?  But he didn’t.  From the darkest and most trying of times in the trenches, JR never gave up even as his body gave out.

In the end, we both lost our battles, but STANDING AND FIGHTING alongside JR was an extraordinary honor and education. You see, I got to watch a man LIVE the meaning of the saying…”never say die”.

John Reddish was an icon of how to live, fight and die with wisdom, verve and dignity.

He taught me as much in death as in life.

The Bipolar Emotions of Grief

This is my first post since November 5th and that post will always be special to me. The post “Can Life Lessons Be Taught…or must they be learned the hard way” was partially inspired by my desire to tease out some life lessons from a dear friend and mentor, John Reddish.  His comments were, to the best of my knowledge, his last published words – he died on December 8th.

I’m finding that he continues to teach me through the grieving process.

Today was a rough emotional day and as I reflect upon my feelings, I have a new-found empathy for what it may be like to suffer from bi-polar disorder. Periods of “normalcy” are interrupted by waves of depressed mourning or the elation of random happy memories – but unlike the episodic symptoms of manic depression, the emotions appear in parallel or even simultaneously. A TV montage of famous folks who died during the past decade just provided an example and heightened those feelings. Happiness at seeing their faces and celebrating their contributions with simultaneous sadness at their loss.

I’m able to contain the emotions but I don’t seem able to control them, otherwise I would choose to make the grieving stop. I suspect those with bipolar disorder feel the same way.

I have mourned the loss of a 15 year marriage, grandparents, a stepfather, father-in-law, father and brother – each have created watershed moments in my personal growth.

This loss is different in that I have never lost a close friend before. In addition, I’m at a point in my life when I have experienced enough loss in my life to identify a trend.

I see that when I am very sad or sick, I tend to go quiet and just “be” with the feelings – allowing myself to feel and reflect upon what is taking place. In this state of quiet reflection, I have avoided phone calls so I pondered if I could be slipping into depression – I don’t think so.  When processing the finality of losing a dear friend, the mundane issues or dramas of everyday chats seem too frivolous to entertain – I couldn’t converse in a genuine way.

Until today, I have simply been quiet.  I have not even wanted to write, with the exception of working on the memorial service and eulogy which was a very healing exercise.  I guess I thought I had mourned – not so, the mysterious crashing of dual emotions returned to teach me more today.

My zen pals have unwittingly said, “don’t grieve” which despite the best intentions, felt ill-informed.  As a student of Eastern philosophy since my brother’s death in 1993, I know something about non-attachment and today I learned something about grief.  It is less of a Pandora’s box to keep a lid on and more of a gift box because we receive the pure joy of an open heart as well as the searing pain of loss.  It’s really okay and perhaps preferable to just “be” with the simultaneous, seemingly bi-polar emotions for a time.  Observing the rise and fall of the emotions and reflecting upon them taught me a lot about myself. Today, I am honoring the lessons that can only be learned from losing loved ones.

What has grief or mourning taught you about life, emotions, your loved ones, or yourself?

Can Life Lessons Be Taught?

When my mentor, Norm Ferzoco, died I felt a strong sense of responsibility to pay his mentoring forward. Despite freely honoring his legacy for the past two years, I have been deeply pondering whether we can actually spare others from the wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.

As I reflect upon whether my roles as a leader, mentor and teacher make a difference, I keep circling back to the quotation that I use in lieu of a long bio when leading training sessions:

Experience is the name that we have given our MISTAKES.~unknown.

I follow by saying…and I have a lot of experience. Of course, meaning twenty-plus years of mistakes!

But IS it possible to relay hard-earned wisdom (mistakes) to shorten learning curves and prevent painful pitfalls, bumps and bruises OR must people learn from the direct experience of their own mistakes?

Consider these “top-of-mind” life lessons along with your own to test your theory:

1. People may not remember the specifics of what we do or say (or even our names) but they never forget how we made them feel.

2. Our most important learning often occurs during adversity or times of great duress; or the opposite of when we are, as the saying goes, “fat, dumb and happy”.

3. We rarely know how important family is, or find out whom our real friends are, until we are up against hard times.

4. We don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.  A previous post discusses our lack of objectivity due to every day bias because our perceptual filters create a lens of interpretive bias through which we see our individual reality.  Because the lens of the masses is a kaleidoscope, objectivity demands that we look at a prism of perspectives – not just our monochromatic reality.

5. Emotional contagion is real! When we are happy to see others they become  happy to see us – the same goes for greeting people with a flat affect and more.

6. It is human to lack appreciation for things that are handed to us. Conversely, striving for a prize that is withheld for too long, can suck the joy out of finally receiving it.

7. Much of early adulthood is spent trying to prove something to ourselves, our parents and family. A lack of self-awareness about our motivational drive can land us in a miserable job, loveless marriage and/or serious debt.

8. Avoid people who have acquired worldly success but haven’t gotten over themselves.

9. There’s a precarious balance being humble and becoming a doormat as well as being assertive and coming off as an ass.

10. Validation is magic!  Human potential blooms like petals under the light of acknowledgement and warmth of praise.  To change behaviors – shine a light on what is right.

11. Innate curiosity and a desire to grow often trumps advanced degrees and pedigrees. Both are great, if I can hire only one, give me the former over the latter any day!

12. Success is not for “other” people.  The most famous and together people on the planet have their issues, problems and foibles.  Most of them simply wanted it more, knew the right people and/or had opportune timing.

13. Refuse to think that you are superior or inferior to anyone who knows or has more/less than you – learn from all of them.

This baker’s dozen contains a few things that I “know” from direct experience – could anyone have merely told me? Would hearing the the lessons help if only to raise a warning flag or to validate intuition – or was Marcel Proust right?

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” ~Marcel Proust

• What do you think?
• Did you learn from “wisdom” that was passed down?
• Do you have lessons to share?

Coming OUT – It’s Not Just for Gays

I’ve been thinking a lot about living with transparency in a world that judges those who don’t fit-in.  That’s because nearly a year ago, I set a stretch goal of living and working with audacious authenticity.

As I reflect upon my big “coming out” I bask in the acceptance I felt when others were validating the 360 degree me but feel the sting of rejection by those who don’t accept me simply because I’m not just like them.  The bonus is that I’m really not all that different! That’s my big ah ha – how daunting it is to live in audacious authenticity in a harsh world.  I’m awestruck when I consider how my experience is dwarfed by the bravery of those who take the real leap of coming out. The concept of “coming out” is intended to “out” the violence of “judging” that encourages some to fear and hate those who are different and forces others to live a lie of fitting-in.

When I felt push-back for being me I became keenly aware of the harsh rejection of those who differ from the mainstream.

So I’m pushing back. Posturing and posing are often a suffocating mask – why do we feel forced to wear them? Do we even acknowledge wearing the mask of the totally together, cool kid to hide our perceived blemishes as well as our beauty?

• How much of your real self do you stuff in the closet because you fear being judged or rejected?
• What percentage of your day and life are you wearing your mask?
• How much energy does it take to maintain “the act”?

So here’s my proposition – come out, come out, whoever you are:

The brave service to our children and the evolution of the world is to live in audacious authenticity.  We need to be role models – to stop teaching our children how to “act” and begin showing them how to “be”.

Instead of teaching them to judge others and pose for acceptance through a veneer of labels, lets help them to see individuals.  When we do, we free our children to learn from the best of humanity and we free ourselves from the self-imposed prison that binds us from living authentically.

It’s not an understatement to say that the world can profoundly benefit if we reveal our genuine spirit – how else can we learn from our collective greatness and frailties in a way that unites and elevates everyone? The more I write about this topic the more emboldened I become.  In part 3 of “Fitting-in” I made an argument that I’m feeling more each day…I have to be completely myself if I hope to fully realize myself.

By celebrating our differences and letting go of fear, we allow the inner peace of releasing superficial limitations and the ability to reach our potential . It’s time to let all of the facets of humanity shine with transparency. All of it – the good, the bad and the ugly…but who’s judging?

So what do you think? Do you dislike being labeled, judged and/or wearing a mask or do you think they are necessary elements of society?

Is Your Objectivity Jacked? Everyday bias in bad decisions

If you’re like most people, you like to think of yourself as someone who thinks clearly and objectively.  Me too, until an recent event served as a lightening rod for appreciating our inability to think without bias.

Recently, a former colleague and friend of my husband posted a FaceBook link to a newsletter that caused an uproar in our house. The newsletter cited the 1964 Civil Rights Act as and example of federal government intrusion into restaurants and movie houses – even creating an inability for people to decide who could be their neighbor.

With no doubt in his mind, my husband questioned his friend and was shocked when his colleague replied that he couldn’t see anything wrong with the article.

Here’s where it gets interesting…and creates huge potential for divided camps:

while he saw nothing wrong, I was profoundly upset by it! In 1939 the five-year old girl who would become my mother learned that she not allowed to swim in the community pool. Being told, “No Spics Allowed” haunted her and created devastating ripple effects.  So it makes sense that  I was offended but what I  couldn’t fathom was that my husband’s colleague (the bright, kind, southern Christian man who posted it) reported reading the article three times and couldn’t see anything wrong with it. I shared how my bias caused such a negative reaction to the article but wondered, what’s his story…how can I understand his perspective just as I wish he understood  mine?

Out of respect for me, this lovely man told my husband that he took the offending post down but: I don’t think that’s the answer…nor do I want to debate whether the article or our friend was a victim of bigoted bias or not – let’s simply use this real-life  situation as a springboard for understanding.

The answer is to intercept our brains’ auto-pilot for bias.

Here’s How Objectivity Gets Jacked:

Hi-jacking: (reacting before thinking brain)

The amygdala or unevolved brain processes our perception and feelings as good or bad within milliseconds. This can cause a regrettable knee-jerk response cover in the previous post,  “When Smart People Make JackAss Moves”. During an amygdala hi-jacking the emotions are so strong that our unevolved brain (the amygdala) takes over before the evolved executive brain (the prefrontal cortex) can process the information to regulate our response.

Example: My initial reaction to reading the offending post was shock and anger.  I don’t think that I could have maintained a poker-face had we been face-to-face so the virtual exchange may have spared me from an amygdala hi-jacking and jackass move.

Even if we are able to hit the un-evolved brain “pause” button to allow our executive brain to analyze, our thinking may be jacked a second time!

Low-jacking: (interpretive bias brain)

After the amygdala does the initial good/bad processing,  the executive brain (pre-frontal cortex) uses intelligence, data and previous experiences to assess whether the initial feelings and perception were accurate.  Our executive brain’s thinking can be “low-jacked” (to access by an alternate means) by our sub-conscious tendency to latch-on to information that validates our initial perception and to filter out what doesn’t support it.

Examples:

• good or bad first impressions or prejudices (pre-judging) and how we may be more or less willing to give others a pass
• placebo effect and how we often get what we expect
• how remarkably bright people are unable to see the diverse perspectives of social, political, or religious issues
• how physicians’ training/time limitations add interpretive bias to a patient types and cause mis-diagnoses
• why a juror’s personal experience (aka bias) can impede their ability to impartially judge factual evidence.

The truth of our reality is that we don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.

Sadly, our knee-jerk reactions and our filtered reasoning means that we access knowledge more selectively than objectively which often results in thinking that is, umm.. jacked.

The important discussion becomes, how does it hurt all of us and what can we do about it?

- When have you been on the receiving end of a jacked idea or decision?

- What can we do to prevent or minimize our the brain low-jackings that create interpretive bias?

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• Gladstone: A Taxonomy of Bias: The Cognitive Miser (lesswrong.com)

Ideas of Success Morph by Life Stages

Karl Follen, a man of great moral strength and intellectual power said,

“I have found that it is much easier to make a success in life than to make a success of one’s life”.

His words sum up a profound truth that many of us don’t discover until our golden years. But why does it take the better part of a lifetime to define success on our own terms – to see that worldly success comes at too high a price if it is not aligned with how we want to live? I suspect that we unwittingly fall prey to material success but that our initial ideas about success morph throughout our life stages and situations.

Where are you in any of the six major life stages that I’ve defined below?

1. Surviving (hand to mouth)
2. Striving (fire in the belly or climbing the ladder)
3. Arriving (promotion, title)
4. Thriving (accolades, hitting stride)
5. Resigning (over it, burned out)
6. Re-designing (creating, re-equilibrating or re-inventing)

The saying, “life is meant to be lived forward but understood backwards” certainly applies to how I progressed through the life stages that I’ve named according to what it felt like going through them…the alliteration was simply to amuse myself and to soothe some of the sting associated with the struggles of each stage.  Only in retrospect can I understand that my humble beginnings drove a deep-seated need to prove something to myself and others during the striving and arriving years.  I came down with “affluenza” in my 30s (as many do) and sought what Alain DeBotton calls “social love” – promotions, titles, or wealth due to our desire for approval and respect.  I also fell prey to what Paul Stiles points out in his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You?” by having all of the outward trappings but little satisfaction and inner peace.

Striving for success is a very worthy pursuit but we cannot realize success with the mental health and life satisfaction needed to enjoy it IF (to paraphrase DeBotton) when we finally achieve it we realize that it wasn’t what we truly wanted all along.  For me, there would be no waiting for the golden years – at 36 during the pinnacle of my career when I had made a worldly success in life, I was given the tragic gift of perspective upon learning that my 39 year old brother had died.  Overnight, I realized that climbing the corporate ladder wasn’t what I wanted all along.  Suddenly my definition of success was clear – it was always about my core values. I just wanted self-actualization through helping and serving others. This clarity has been fundamental in being true to myself – to live and to work more authentically.

Karl Follen was quite right…it is easier to create success in life. I have personally found it more challenging and ultimately gratifying to live what I define as a successful life. No matter what life stage we are in – just having that perspective can help to provide clarity for living a life of purpose, on purpose.

What life lessons can you share?

• Have you been through several or all of the life stages and back again?

• Do we first need to achieve title, pay, possessions before we can “get over it” or get over ourselves – transcend the desire?

• What hard lessons would you share with those in the surviving, striving, arriving stages or any of the others?

Life Equals Risk: Success Stories (part 3)

Forbes magazine asked 34 entrepreneurs, celebrities, athletes and politicians:“What are the biggest risks that you have taken?”

Read some of the gutsy and inspiring stories and/or zip through the “In Pictures” flipbook to pause on personalities of interest. Several of the stories provided me with a visual of “white-knuckled success” – it seems that for many of them, the following quote sums up why they took the plunge:

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”~Ambrose Redmoon

Part 1 of this series put risk into perspective with the glaring example of how simply getting out of bed each day is a life threatening risk that we don’t even consider. It prompted you to bring to mind risks that you taking until the reality of taking them feels as frightening as your first roller coaster ride.  And closed with a video of famous failures who went on to become great in business, the arts, and politics – ending with a stirring clip…”Life Equals Risk”.

Part 2 examined risk tolerance. It became clear that most of us cannot be labeled as risk-tolerant or risk-averse because our temperament, nature and nurture impact our ability and willingness to take situational risks. The take-away: we all have the ability to take big risks – provided that we possess the self-confidence and/or belief that the risk is worth taking.

Part 3 opens above with the risks taken by regular folks and a few well-known entrepreneurs. So it seems fitting to wrap up the series by sharing success stories of 10 celebrities who would not realized their destinies had they not taken the risks needed to follow their dreams.

10 Famous People in the “Wrong” Career at Age 30

1. Andrea Bocelli, lawyer
2. Julia Child, government spy
3. Rodney Dangerfield, aluminum siding salesman
4. Harrison Ford, carpenter
5. Michael Jordan, baseball player
6. James Joyce, singer
7. Mao Tse-Tung, elementary school principal
8. Colonel Sanders, salesman/farmer/pilot/fireman
9. Sylvester Stallone, deli counter attendant
10. Martha Stewart, stockbroker

“In order to realize your destiny, you must be willing to release your history.” ~Karl Schmidt

So what do you think?

• Was their celebrity a result of having the courage to take a big risk?
• Or did they become well-known because following their passion was a risk worth taking?
• Or was it a mix or something else that allowed them to feel the fear and do it anyway?
• What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Life Equals Risk: Fear and Risk Tolerance (part 2)

“No passion so effectively robs the mind of all of its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” ~Edmund Burke

Why do some people spend their lives wishing for something while others are living their dreams?

Ronald Heifetz, professor at Harvard University’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, answers by saying,  “Making real decisions and taking real risks requires freedom – freedom from the loyalties, expectations and fears that inevitably fog our risk-vs.-reward equation.  Peoples’ choices to take or refrain from risk are over-determined by their culture.” Professor Heifetz’s quotation about culture determining risk tolerance is provocative but only scratches the surface.

Is there something beyond culture that makes some people more willing to act on their wishes – to take more risks than others?

Psychologists have theories but now geneticists are weighing in. The BusinessWeek article, Innate Risk-Takers introduces the book, “Born Entrepreneurs, Born Leaders: How Your Genes Affect Your Work Life”.  The title may lead us to believe that entrepreneurs are hard-wired for leadership and risk but the story and theory don’t end there.  Our genes may impact in-born behavioral styles but we humans are far too complex for sweeping genetic generalizations – nature and nurture play very important roles.  A single source, book or risk-taking assessment cannot identify your true risk-taking style, much less how you react to various risk situations.

To begin to illustrate this complexity,  I’ll disclose a few high and low risk tolerance traits (as described by the books) and how nature/nurture contribute to my personal risk tolerance. 

Please use the bullets as a prompt to consider factors that may impact your risk tolerance.

I’m risk-tolerant - by the books, because:

• I’m at my best under pressure – enjoyed emergency ambulance work.
• Enjoys speed, rollercoasters, and had a (before parenthood) desire to skydive.
• Primarily exhibits “Dominance” and “Influence” behavioral styles in work environments (they love spontaneity, fast pace, risks and challenge)
• Those with the birth sign of Aries are known for adventure, pioneering, optimism and risk-taking.

I have always considered myself risk-tolerant, yet just yesterday, my husband described me as risk-averse!  It surprised me but made sense at the same time. Here’s why it’s not so simple:

I’m risk-averse - by the books, because:

• I like surprises…just not bad ones.  My mind works to troubleshoot what can go wrong with anything/everything – I want to be prepared.
• Moving from middle class to relative poverty as a child created strong financial sensibilities. I don’t worship money and I don’t waste it.
• When I’m not in the role of boss, my “Dominance” behavioral style is replaced with “Steadiness” and “Conscientiousness” (full focus on helping.  I can be spontaneous but prefer to research decisions and to plan)
• Working in allied health and having a child with dairy anaphylaxis has made me keenly aware of risks that others may not consider – hence, more cautious.

~ What is your mix of risk-tolerance and risk-averse nature/nurture traits?

~ How did my risk tolerance equation factor in the biggest risk that I have personally taken…leaving a six-figure salaried job and starting my own business in 1997 as a single mother with no other source of income?

For me, risk tolerance is largely about fear management.

I was only able to manage the fear with an equal mix of:

using my head – following my heart – and trusting my gut.

Please share your ideas and experience and/or read part 1:

• When have you felt the fear and decided to do it anyway?
• What did you learn about risk, fear and yourself?

Life Equals Risk (part 1)

Each morning we get up and plan our day.  But each day, a fair number of those who knew what they would be doing that evening were wrong because the risks of living caused their lives to be forever changed or lost.  A sobering thought, yet none of us is immune to an automobile accident, a  sudden illness or random event. I was musing about this topic this past December when my long-time friend and book keeper went out to her car, slipped on the ice and suffered serious head trauma – she is currently disabled and may never be the same.

The stark reality is that simply getting out of bed in the morning and stepping into the shower is a risk.  So  now that we have yanked open the illusory curtain of safety and certainty, let’s begin to bring taking risks into perspective.

We get out of bed because the risk is so worth taking that we don’t think about it as risky.  And what about the risks you do think about – until the notion of actually taking them becomes as frightening as your first roller coaster ride?    Are you considering…

• starting a business?
• leaving an unhappy situation?
• taking a new job?
• changing career fields?
• becoming a stay-at-home mom or dad?
• living with authenticity and transparency?
• going back to school?
• relocating?
  
• following a dream?

If so, what’s holding you back? Fear of failure or rejection? Watch this video about “Famous Failures” for inspiration well worth holding onto.

Hang on tight to the feeling you have after watching the video and read part 2 now (risk tolerance) and then click the RSS feed to get part 3 by email – to hear from everyday people who climbed aboard the risk roller coaster of their dreams.

Let’s get the discussion started:

• What risks are you considering?
• What risks have you taken – will you share your story?

Who is Defining Your Success? Part 2

According to Pew research

80% of 19 – 25 year olds see getting rich

as a top life goal for their generation.

Next is being famous at 51% followed by helping the needy at 30% and being a leader at 22%.

Society complains that Gen X or Y feel so entitled but fails to convict itself of its role in creating an altered reality.  Through no fault of their own many children of the 80′s were handed luxury and steeped in keeping up with the Joneses.  The decade of excess epitomized by the 1980′s in America (sometimes dubbed the decade of greed) seriously skewed our ideas about success.  Young adults were no longer satisfied living in a split-level or ranch homes that they grew up in but built executive homes, put their children in designer clothing and more.  On page 33 of his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You”?, Paul Stiles states:

“Since the 1980s, American personal savings rates have been going down while personal income has risen and credit card debt has tripled.”

If adults fell prey to the messages, consider how firmly entrenched the entitlement mindset might be for those born during that time.  It’s true: Children learn what they live and those who are  late Gen X and all of Gen Y have never known any other way of thinking or being.

In part I of this series we examined how something as fundamental as how the very definition of the word success; initially meaning achieving a goal, had devolved to become about material wealth.  The the clip by Alain DeBotton urged us to consider how we “suck in” our ideas of success from outside sources. What we are experiencing is a potentially dangerous mind meme – the belief that success means money, prestige and status has gone viral.  The problem with any meme is that we are often unaware of its impact on our thoughts, values and behaviors. This unchecked meme is dangerous because it’s at the root of so much unnecessary suffering – personal debt, low self-esteem, corporate greed, mistrust, political backstabbing, stress, and depression – among a few.

Stiles provides an example of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs when he states:

“Money only buys happiness up to a point. Once you have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and food on the table, multiple sources suggest that all the money in the world will not make you a bit happier.  Ironically, beyond a certain point, money actually buys unhappiness.  After a basic standard of material well-being, happiness comes from family and friends, marriage, leisure activities, and the nature of your work.  Ironically, these are all negatively impacted by the excessive pursuit of money, which creates stress, steals family time, alters moods, and breeds friction”…Oh, yeah and also that deathbed regret thing.

The point is that being infected with the meme (previously dubbed “Affluenza”) of never having or being enough can make us miserable, so why DO we accept it as a part of life – like the common cold?  Especially since unlike the common cold, we can inoculate ourselves to the meme by mindfully choosing what success means to each of us.  Getting inoculated means that when we become the authors of our own ambition, if we come down with an occasional case of piggy-itis, we aren’t likely to suffer unduly or succumb to it.

So what do you think?  Do you feel the tug, get sucked-in from time-to-time, or still grapple with your personal definition of success?  Please offer your thoughts and take this 30 second poll to identify your “top-o-mind” idea of  success – if you answer “other” to the poll choices, a quick comment below will be illuminating and most appreciated.

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