Lessons in Living, Fighting and Dying Well

When our lives end, the only enduring remains are the imprints left on the lives we touched. This post is intended to honor the memory of an extraordinary joblife architect by sharing a glimpse of the unique imprint left by my dear friend and mentor, John Reddish.

I’ve learned a lot from job and life mentors but nothing can compare to what he taught me – John showed me how to die.

The following is adapted from my eulogy remarks:

In 1998 when John Reddish and I met at a National Speakers Association meeting, little did we know that the future would place us side-by-side in the trenches of the fiercest battle that each of us would ever fight.

Two years later, John fought with me in the trenches of a Federal court battle to protect my intellectual property. It was during that 8 month battle and our quick daily “bulleted” phone updates, that JR became shorthand for John and I was dubbed JM.

Over the next decade, a very strong bond of mutual respect evolved… but had not yet been tested. That test came in April when JR sent me the diagnostic CAT scan report.  As I read and re-read the report, there was no doubt that that he was deep in the trenches and in grave danger.

Some have wondered why I took the role as his healthcare advocate.  It wasn’t because I could or should.  But simply because those who have stood and fought side by side in the trenches know the importance of keeping a constant eye out for each other.

So over the next 8 months, JR graciously allowed his dear friend Bill Sawyer and me to share the trenches of chemotherapy with him:

The first 6 outpatient rounds would have knocked most to their knees but IF he didn’t tell you or you didn’t see his hair or weight loss… you would have no idea that he was battling cancer.  He NEVER LET ON and he NEVER SLOWED DOWN.

• During the chemo sessions he would tell me of how touched he was by emails, cards or calls he received. If you are one who expressed shock upon learning that he had passed or disappointment that you didn’t reach out enough…please don’t dismay – shielding you was his way.
• During the longest of outpatient chemo sessions he would often say, “its not my time, JM – I still have too much to do. One time when the Benadryl made him a bit woozy, he slipped and said he still had too much to give. To “give” rather then “do” was more accurate but not something he would normally say – it would be too much like bragging to him. But one only needs to read his FaceBook page to see how much he gave and many lives he touched. He was just getting started.
• When the nurses fawned over the picnic baskets of gourmet goodies that we noshed throughout the chemo days, he would puff up a bit and say, “I have great friends” – referring to all of his friends – I heard him say it often.  The only time I ever saw John display pride was when showing a photo of his 3 beautiful grandsons or when speaking of his friends – they meant the world to him.

In August, when the lymphoma spread and was now at stage 4, we to MOVED from the TRENCHES of OUTPATIENT chemo to the FRONT LINES of HOSPITALIZATION  – it was the difference between 3-8 hours and 3–6 days of continuous chemo infusion!

During this time (between tweet chats no less) John would tell the medical staff that he was fine and felt great…but the films and labs clearly showed otherwise. The doctors, Bill and I shook our heads – in retrospect, he was just demonstrating the best business practice of staying focused on the GOAL (of beating the odds) not on the OBSTACLES. What a wise man.

By then, my job as medical advocate had morphed into wingman and all around “mother bear”.  So when I asked the tough questions that JR expected me to ask, he said, “it doesn’t matter if they tell me that I will die tomorrow, I won’t give up.”

In early November – when the labs showed me that his body was defying his spirit, he never showed fear, never let on and never, ever complained.  How is that possible when you’re dying?  But he didn’t.  From the darkest and most trying of times in the trenches, JR never gave up even as his body gave out.

In the end, we both lost our battles, but STANDING AND FIGHTING alongside JR was an extraordinary honor and education. You see, I got to watch a man LIVE the meaning of the saying…”never say die”.

John Reddish was an icon of how to live, fight and die with wisdom, verve and dignity.

He taught me as much in death as in life.

Can Life Lessons Be Taught?

When my mentor, Norm Ferzoco, died I felt a strong sense of responsibility to pay his mentoring forward. Despite freely honoring his legacy for the past two years, I have been deeply pondering whether we can actually spare others from the wounds we bore (and sometimes inflicted) on the battlefield of life.

As I reflect upon whether my roles as a leader, mentor and teacher make a difference, I keep circling back to the quotation that I use in lieu of a long bio when leading training sessions:

Experience is the name that we have given our MISTAKES.~unknown.

I follow by saying…and I have a lot of experience. Of course, meaning twenty-plus years of mistakes!

But IS it possible to relay hard-earned wisdom (mistakes) to shorten learning curves and prevent painful pitfalls, bumps and bruises OR must people learn from the direct experience of their own mistakes?

Consider these “top-of-mind” life lessons along with your own to test your theory:

1. People may not remember the specifics of what we do or say (or even our names) but they never forget how we made them feel.

2. Our most important learning often occurs during adversity or times of great duress; or the opposite of when we are, as the saying goes, “fat, dumb and happy”.

3. We rarely know how important family is, or find out whom our real friends are, until we are up against hard times.

4. We don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.  A previous post discusses our lack of objectivity due to every day bias because our perceptual filters create a lens of interpretive bias through which we see our individual reality.  Because the lens of the masses is a kaleidoscope, objectivity demands that we look at a prism of perspectives – not just our monochromatic reality.

5. Emotional contagion is real! When we are happy to see others they become  happy to see us – the same goes for greeting people with a flat affect and more.

6. It is human to lack appreciation for things that are handed to us. Conversely, striving for a prize that is withheld for too long, can suck the joy out of finally receiving it.

7. Much of early adulthood is spent trying to prove something to ourselves, our parents and family. A lack of self-awareness about our motivational drive can land us in a miserable job, loveless marriage and/or serious debt.

8. Avoid people who have acquired worldly success but haven’t gotten over themselves.

9. There’s a precarious balance being humble and becoming a doormat as well as being assertive and coming off as an ass.

10. Validation is magic!  Human potential blooms like petals under the light of acknowledgement and warmth of praise.  To change behaviors – shine a light on what is right.

11. Innate curiosity and a desire to grow often trumps advanced degrees and pedigrees. Both are great, if I can hire only one, give me the former over the latter any day!

12. Success is not for “other” people.  The most famous and together people on the planet have their issues, problems and foibles.  Most of them simply wanted it more, knew the right people and/or had opportune timing.

13. Refuse to think that you are superior or inferior to anyone who knows or has more/less than you – learn from all of them.

This baker’s dozen contains a few things that I “know” from direct experience – could anyone have merely told me? Would hearing the the lessons help if only to raise a warning flag or to validate intuition – or was Marcel Proust right?

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” ~Marcel Proust

• What do you think?
• Did you learn from “wisdom” that was passed down?
• Do you have lessons to share?

The Unnatural Act of Networking

Does the idea of walking into a room of strangers evoke feelings of excitement or dread?

Whether a cocktail party or association meeting, I typically feel dread.

The need to understand the dread of networking has gotten under my skin. When I think about walking into the Friday evening reception for my first SOBCon mastermind meeting,  I don’t feel the typical dread but I do feel a bit reticent.  This makes no sense for a couple of reasons: First, because the small group of bright, fun and supportive folks I’m about to meet aren’t the stereotypical networking event types.

It also makes no sense because I’m not usually shy.  To those who know me professionally, the idea that I might be shy is ludicrous. I’m the kind of person who could be described as “she never met a stranger” - I absolutely love people.  And since I’m in my second decade of delivering training and keynotes to audiences of hundreds,  I could hardly be described as shy.  The fact remains, I do feel a bit shy or at the very least reticent about walking into any room of strangers and I know I’m not alone.  So if I struggle,  I can’t imagine how challenging networking must be to someone who really is shy. Why do so many of us dread or have a love/hate response to networking? 

While examining why, I’ve had a few epiphanies about the feelings that arise during networking and the methods used to manage them.

• It feels contrived - Since the mid 1990s my National Speaker’s Association colleagues have been advocating use of  the elevator pitch. As a former product manager, I fully appreciate the branding and recall benefits of messaging but I’ve grown weary of hearing and delivering elevator pitches. The idea of repeating another elevator speech makes me a little nauseous.
  

• It’s superficial - We are hard-wired to judge.  Like it or not, in the first 30 – 90 seconds people are judging dress, height, grooming, body language, voice, wit, title. We don’t get to know a person, we get a snapshot of them – one where they are posing…literally.

• It’s clique and power driven - People tend to gravitate to their familiar circles and typically don’t go out of their way to bring outsiders in.  Many are watching the door or looking over the shoulder of the person talking to see if someone more important has arrived on the scene. I can’t help but cringe when I see an over the shoulder glance or while watching the masses flock to the alpha crowd.

• And the #1 epiphany is…you can’t fight city hall - networking is a vital social and career development skill!  So, if you’re not comfortable working a room,  you owe it to yourself to find ways to become a more natural networker.

This self-reflection (above) and being clear about my objectives (below) has provided methods for making networking a bit more natural to me.

Which of the following would make what feels like an unnatural act a bit more natural to you?

• To Connect or Impress? Of course, it’s ideal to do both but we tend to put more emphasis on one area.  For example, to build relationships, the emphasis is to connect- to build business, the emphasis may be to impress.  My business model and personality create a focus on connecting – one of the reasons I dread networking is because I want to have meaningful interactions.  I don’t remember many elevator pitches but I always recall how someone made me feel. I recently had a very deep conversation with someone I had met briefly on several occasions. Neither of us were looking to impress, instead of the usual game face, we allowed ourselves to be a little vulnerable and shared more of our authentic selves – in that one conversation I felt a true kinship with her.  Not that every encounter should be as such, it’s an example of truly connecting versus trying to impress. Turns out, she was just being an exceptional model of what she blogs about, “The Art of Authentic Chit Chat”.

• Are You More Active or Passive? I prefer to be approached than to approach. It’s odd but I only feel comfortable approaching if I have a role or reason for walking up to a stranger.  If I don’t have a role, I have found that I feel much more comfortable approaching someone who looks isolated or shy.  I’ll introduce them to others who don’t know anyone.  I actually formalized an association’s “Welcome Committee” this way. One of my epiphanies resulted in a good chuckle when I realized that I had given myself a  role (to make myself comfortable) to approach others in hopes of making them more comfortable!

• Do You Want to Build Your Power, Customer or Knowledge Base? You certainly can do all three, but your priority is probably based upon your business needs.  If I were a salesperson or had a huge payroll to meet, my priorities might be to build my customer base.  But as someone running a boutique knowledge-based business,  I’m free to seek out fascinating people without regard for their business potential. I just shared an example of learning from my “Art of Chit Chat” colleague and was able to pass along the learning experience.

• Do You Tend to Do More Talking or Listening? Does telling what you know or learning what others know align with your networking objectives? I find that if someone asks great questions or if I don’t have a few good questions to ask, I end up doing most of the talking.  Problem is, I can’t learn from others when I’m doing talking, so it helps to have a few conversations starters at the ready. Of course, I don’t want to sound like I’m interrogating someone but when used appropriately, the questions spark interest, keep people engaged and help me to connect and build my knowledge base.  The following examples are provided as a springboard for you to create a set of questions that fit your style and networking events.

Conversations Starter Sampler

If you could undertake a business venture and know that you could not fail – what would would it be?

We’ve all heard the expression, “you couldn’t pay me enough to do that job” – what would that job be for you?

If you could hear a speech from any leading figure throughout history, whom would you choose to hear ?

If you could be the spokesperson for any product on the market, which product would you happily endorse?

What’s the best thing that you ever learned from a good or bad boss?

What topics do you consider a bore?

What’s the best thing your parents or children ever taught you?

So what about you? Does the idea of walking into a room of strangers fill you with more excitement or more dread?

• Are you a natural or unnatural networker?
• What are some of your favorite questions to spark conversation?
• What other tips can you share?
  

Is Your Objectivity Jacked? Everyday bias in bad decisions

If you’re like most people, you like to think of yourself as someone who thinks clearly and objectively.  Me too, until an recent event served as a lightening rod for appreciating our inability to think without bias.

Recently, a former colleague and friend of my husband posted a FaceBook link to a newsletter that caused an uproar in our house. The newsletter cited the 1964 Civil Rights Act as and example of federal government intrusion into restaurants and movie houses – even creating an inability for people to decide who could be their neighbor.

With no doubt in his mind, my husband questioned his friend and was shocked when his colleague replied that he couldn’t see anything wrong with the article.

Here’s where it gets interesting…and creates huge potential for divided camps:

while he saw nothing wrong, I was profoundly upset by it! In 1939 the five-year old girl who would become my mother learned that she not allowed to swim in the community pool. Being told, “No Spics Allowed” haunted her and created devastating ripple effects.  So it makes sense that  I was offended but what I  couldn’t fathom was that my husband’s colleague (the bright, kind, southern Christian man who posted it) reported reading the article three times and couldn’t see anything wrong with it. I shared how my bias caused such a negative reaction to the article but wondered, what’s his story…how can I understand his perspective just as I wish he understood  mine?

Out of respect for me, this lovely man told my husband that he took the offending post down but: I don’t think that’s the answer…nor do I want to debate whether the article or our friend was a victim of bigoted bias or not – let’s simply use this real-life  situation as a springboard for understanding.

The answer is to intercept our brains’ auto-pilot for bias.

Here’s How Objectivity Gets Jacked:

Hi-jacking: (reacting before thinking brain)

The amygdala or unevolved brain processes our perception and feelings as good or bad within milliseconds. This can cause a regrettable knee-jerk response cover in the previous post,  “When Smart People Make JackAss Moves”. During an amygdala hi-jacking the emotions are so strong that our unevolved brain (the amygdala) takes over before the evolved executive brain (the prefrontal cortex) can process the information to regulate our response.

Example: My initial reaction to reading the offending post was shock and anger.  I don’t think that I could have maintained a poker-face had we been face-to-face so the virtual exchange may have spared me from an amygdala hi-jacking and jackass move.

Even if we are able to hit the un-evolved brain “pause” button to allow our executive brain to analyze, our thinking may be jacked a second time!

Low-jacking: (interpretive bias brain)

After the amygdala does the initial good/bad processing,  the executive brain (pre-frontal cortex) uses intelligence, data and previous experiences to assess whether the initial feelings and perception were accurate.  Our executive brain’s thinking can be “low-jacked” (to access by an alternate means) by our sub-conscious tendency to latch-on to information that validates our initial perception and to filter out what doesn’t support it.

Examples:

• good or bad first impressions or prejudices (pre-judging) and how we may be more or less willing to give others a pass
• placebo effect and how we often get what we expect
• how remarkably bright people are unable to see the diverse perspectives of social, political, or religious issues
• how physicians’ training/time limitations add interpretive bias to a patient types and cause mis-diagnoses
• why a juror’s personal experience (aka bias) can impede their ability to impartially judge factual evidence.

The truth of our reality is that we don’t see things as they are – we see things as we are.

Sadly, our knee-jerk reactions and our filtered reasoning means that we access knowledge more selectively than objectively which often results in thinking that is, umm.. jacked.

The important discussion becomes, how does it hurt all of us and what can we do about it?

- When have you been on the receiving end of a jacked idea or decision?

- What can we do to prevent or minimize our the brain low-jackings that create interpretive bias?

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• Gladstone: A Taxonomy of Bias: The Cognitive Miser (lesswrong.com)

When Smart People Make Jackass Moves

When was the last time that you said or did something that you later regretted?

You know…the slammed door, mean-spirited exchange or angry email that made you wonder, “What the hell was I thinking”? The simple answer is you weren’t – knee-jerk reactions have little to do with thinking.

People with the highest to lowest IQs are equally subject to the knee-jerk faux pas that make them act like jackasses at times – but why?

Regardless of IQ, human brains are  wired to react emotionally before thinking rationally:

- a tremendous survival advantage in prehistoric times when in the blink of an eye, we had to judge friend or foe and fight or flight.

- a career and relationship disadvantage in today’s complex world of subtle threats.  Just consider the implications of our immediate reaction to judge something as good or bad in the rapid-fire and impersonal digital age… and viola, the birth of the angry email or terse text. Often, a jackass move on our part  generates a jackass move by the person on the receiving end of our kick and before we know it, we’re at the head of a jackass conga line!

We can forgive ourselves for being human but we can’t be excused – the ability to manage our emotions is what prevents crimes of passion, broken relationships and career-limiting moves.

Just as an angry email may live on in print forever, our words and behaviors become etched in the hearts and minds of those on the receiving end of them. We can always apologize but we can never erase a jackass move.

How do you tame a knee-jerk reaction before it becomes a jackass move?

A favorite of mine: If I can’t acknowledge the negative reaction and let it go, I allow myself to vent in an angry mail – using the MS Outlook ‘options’ feature, I  send it  myself (only) to read early the next day.  With fresh eyes I’ve been surprised and amused by how hard the ol’ jackass was kicking.