Who is Defining Your Success? Part 2

According to Pew research

80% of 19 – 25 year olds see getting rich

as a top life goal for their generation.

Next is being famous at 51% followed by helping the needy at 30% and being a leader at 22%.

Society complains that Gen X or Y feel so entitled but fails to convict itself of its role in creating an altered reality.  Through no fault of their own many children of the 80’s were handed luxury and steeped in keeping up with the Joneses.  The decade of excess epitomized by the 1980’s in America (sometimes dubbed the decade of greed) seriously skewed our ideas about success.  Young adults were no longer satisfied living in a split-level or ranch homes that they grew up in but built executive homes, put their children in designer clothing and more.  On page 33 of his book, “Is the American Dream Killing You”?, Paul Stiles states:

“Since the 1980s, American personal savings rates have been going down while personal income has risen and credit card debt has tripled.”

If adults fell prey to the messages, consider how firmly entrenched the entitlement mindset might be for those born during that time.  It’s true: Children learn what they live and those who are  late Gen X and all of Gen Y have never known any other way of thinking or being.

In part I of this series we examined how something as fundamental as how the very definition of the word success; initially meaning achieving a goal, had devolved to become about material wealth.  The the clip by Alain DeBotton urged us to consider how we “suck in” our ideas of success from outside sources. What we are experiencing is a potentially dangerous mind meme – the belief that success means money, prestige and status has gone viral.  The problem with any meme is that we are often unaware of its impact on our thoughts, values and behaviors. This unchecked meme is dangerous because it’s at the root of so much unnecessary suffering – personal debt, low self-esteem, corporate greed, mistrust, political backstabbing, stress, and depression – among a few.

Stiles provides an example of Maslow’s hierarchy when he states:

“Money only buys happiness up to a point. Once you have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and food on the table, multiple sources suggest that all the money in the world will not make you a bit happier.  Ironically, beyond a certain point, money actually buys unhappiness.  After a basic standard of material well-being, happiness comes from family and friends, marriage, leisure activities, and the nature of your work.  Ironically, these are all negatively impacted by the excessive pursuit of money, which creates stress, steals family time, alters moods, and breeds friction”…Oh, yeah and also that deathbed regret thing.

The point is that being infected with the meme (previously dubbed “Affluenza”) of never having or being enough can make us miserable, so why DO we accept it as a part of life – like the common cold?  Especially since unlike the common cold, we can inoculate ourselves to the meme by mindfully choosing what success means to each of us.  Getting inoculated means that when we become the authors of our own ambition, if we come down with an occasional case of piggy-itis, we aren’t likely to suffer unduly or succumb to it.

So what do you think?  Do you feel the tug, get sucked-in from time-to-time, or still grapple with your personal definition of success?  Please offer your thoughts and take this 30 second poll to identify your “top-o-mind” idea of  success – if you answer “other” to the poll choices, a quick comment below will be illuminating and most appreciated.

Do YOU Have What it Takes to be an Entrepreneur? Part I

Entrepreneurship requires a passionate desire and work ethic to write your own ticket and/or to bring a product to market.

Regardless of how great your idea or passion, it’s vital to acknowledge that entrepreneurship is fundamentally about taking risk, so the first thing to assess is your risk tolerance.

According to the Small Business Administration’s 2009 Frequently Asked Questions, 7 out of 10 new small businesses (<500 employees) last at least 2 years but only about 1/2 of new businesses are still in business after 5 years.  The first question, then, is are you willing to wager your financial stability, security, and possibly your credit rating?

The statistics are only a reality check – don’t let them discourage you.  While risk tolerance is a big factor, having enough of a fire in your belly can go a long way toward minimizing the fear factor.  The Harvard Business Review offers a quick quiz to help you identify if you have the gut-level fit for taking the plunge.  To sum up the drive vs fear issue, my online colleague, GL Hoffman, said something that is very telling, “When people ask me whether they should become an entrepreneur, I tell them, if you have to ask, then I’m leaning toward answering, no.“ Case in point, during a succession planning meeting (when I was a Training Director in a fortune 500 pharmaceutical company) the HR Director asked me what I wanted to be doing 5 and 10 years in the future.  I quickly stated the 5 year plan but fell silent about the 10 year plan because it did not involve staying with the company.  I was already certain that I wanted my own training business.  And in 1997, as a single mother with no other form of support, I quit my job and started Emp-Higher Performance Development, Inc. Was I afraid?  A little, but I had a tremendous passion for the training business (and still do!) a great credit rating, clarity about my personal development needs, and a plan to boot-strap my business. Thirteen years later, I haven’t looked back or been sorry for even a moment.

Yes, there are a lot of other traits, competencies and skills that differentiate entrepreneurs who make it  from  those who don’t – a topic that merits its own post so I’ll detail those in part II.  Since I just mentioned GL Hoffman, it occurs to me that as a serial entrepreneur, a book that he recently published is an excellent and inexpensive reality check for those considering entrepreneurship or for entrepreneurs interested in increasing their probability for more success. The book, Start-up: 100 tips to get your business going is packed with tried and true success factors, is a quick read and handy reference. Most interesting to me was that despite our very different business models, his tips still rang true.  I found myself nodding and mumbling, “yep” during many of the passages – particularly tips 9, 12, 15, 16, 18, 38, 47, 48 and 50 – and that was only the first half of the book!  So, I recommended that you read it, ask yourself if you could see yourself actively doing the best practices that he suggests… and if not, why not?

What other questions or advice do you have about identifying who is cut out for the entrepreneurial life?

Who is Defining Your Success? Part I

What IS Success?

A “Think Quick” challenge: Right this second, can you state your definition of success?

Most people think they know but few are able to define what success really means when applied to their own lives. And if YOU can’t define it, then WHO IS defining it for you?

If you can’t DEFINE success – how can you DESIGN success?

This quick clip (<2 minutes) of a TED talk by Alain DeBotton creates a great springboard to consider what YOUR idea of success is.

In view of DeBotton’s point about who creates our ideas of success, consider the Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition:

1 -  obsolete: outcome, result
2  – degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 -  one that succeeds

I was both surprised and saddened to see how the original, now obsolete definition  has evolved (or devolved) from generic goal achievement to encompass fortune and/or fame. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with fortune or fame. Like DeBotton, I’m very interested in success. What I’m proposing is that success as defined by worldly standards is often at the root of many a deathbed regret. We simply need to have clarity around what we truly value in order to define success in our own terms.

In his book, Is the American Dream Killing You? Paul Stiles eloquently captures this: “Success in America is neither moral or spiritual nor intellectual nor artistic these days, but financial. Unsure of what they stand for, people rely on money as the criterion for value…people deserve respect and admiration because they are rich. What used to be a medium of exchange has usurped the place of fundamental values…the cult of success has replaced a belief in principles.”

Many who have never questioned or defined success strive to “live the dream” only to awaken to the nightmare of a self-imposed prison consisting of a burn-out job to pay for a big mortgage, serious credit card debt and/or an empty family life. DeBotton talks about the “notion of work-life balance nonsense” – that we can’t have it all and I quite agree.  That’s exactly why clarity is vital to prevent burnout and/or rude wake-ups from what we thought was “our” dream.  He urges us to be the authors of our own ambition by probing to ensure that our ideas of success are truly our own.

Some folks want to simply hire a coach to tell them how to be successful but this work cannot be delegated. Trying to hire-out defining and designing your success is like asking a cleaning service to clear out your closet. Only YOU can… make the tough decisions, know your style, try things on to see what fits and let go of what you need to discard!

Have you defined success in your own terms? If so, please comment about:

• how your idea of success has changed
• who previously formed your ideas of success
• your commitment to defining and designing it for yourself.

Then answer the questions that follow to refine or define what success means to you.

Answering the questions isn’t easy but it’s pivotal to long-term happiness and the ability to live with purpose and on purpose. It requires that you stop putting one foot in front of the other  – that you take a step back to observe and reflect. This quote sums it up:

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.

The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.   ~Mark Twain

So…let’s begin proving Mark Twain wrong. Start with a blank sheet of paper and use Webster’s definition #3,“one that succeeds”- begin to define:

What IS success in each of the main categories of life?

1. Family
2. Health
3. Finance
4. Job or Career
5. Personal: spiritual, friendships, hobbies
6. Community, etc.

- Where does the successful you prioritize your time?

- What are you known as, or for, in each category?

- How does the successful you look, walk, think, and talk like in each category?

- How can you integrate those to create some semblance of work-life balance? What do you need to let go?

IF you’re serious about doing the work, you’re on your way to becoming the architect of your job and life.  Start your list and keep it handy for further thought and reflection – maybe transfer it to an index card that you can easily post to consider throughout the day and weeks ahead.  Read part 2 to further explore the implications and definitions of success.
Read more

Are Your Values Deal Makers or Breakers? (part 1)

Think back over your lifetime of friendships, romantic relationships, and jobs.

If you list deal makers that created or sustained them and the deal breakers that eroded or destroyed them, you may be very surprised by the trends that emerge.  Those trends will identify what you really value.

I’m not speaking of  what your ideals or beliefs tell you that you should value but what you uniquely value – what best suits YOU and keeps you in the game (job or relationship) over the long haul. 

When you clarify what you value (read “need”) you learn the strategy to play your cards right.  You can live with purpose and on purpose because you know what sparks the fire in your belly, gives you the mojo that makes you eager to come home each night, get up in the morning, and sing in the shower…okay, nix the shower bit because sometimes you just need to belt one out for no good reason! 

But seriously, this simple exercise can be wildly eye-opening and only takes a minute to set up.  So ‘cmon, print the PDF or grab a blank sheet of paper to get started identifying your values.

 1. Print this Values Exercise page or create your own sheet in the same format.

2. Decide whether to focus on Job or Relationship or both.

3. GOAL: Identify trends in your deal makers and breakers.  Consider every meaningful relationship or job that you walked (or ran) away from. Deal Makers: What drew you and kept you (perhaps too long) and Deal Breakers what ultimately broke the bond or caused you to end it? 

Trending Tip: List adjectives  in each column, e.g. opportunity, material things, safety, belonging, nuturing/love, personal growth or self-actualization, etc.  You don’t need to use the example words per se, just try to use similar words (where relevant) to faciliate ease of trending.  A bit like sorting and organizing the cards in your hand by color and suit, e.g. red, black, hearts, diamonds, spades, and clubs so that you know what you’re holding and how to play them.

If you’re doing the exercise now, take 10 – 15 minutes for reflection and if later, just create the page and put it in a prominent place for reference.  Reflect upon the hand that you’ve been dealt and which cards you have thrown into the discard pile over the years. What you trend may be as rewarding as it is shocking – I experienced a relationship values breakthrough that changed my life.

When you have clarity around your deal makers and  breakers it’s easier to find work that feels more like play and  relationships that don’t feel like work.  

This simple but powerful exercise can help you to play your cards right.   I cannot encourage it enough so I’ll tell you what… create your lists and if you show me yours ( just comment about your experience) I’ll show you mine!

Are You Normal? Fitting-in vs Being Authentic (part I)

Truth be told, I have never found a comfortable fit in any one peer group.

I first noticed it in high school – a time when we need to “belong” to a group or clique but the problem was that as a high honor, Jesus-loving, pot-smoking (hey it was the 70’s),  student council do-gooder and cheerleader, I didn’t fit-in with the brainiacs, the stoners, the Jesus freaks, the joiners, or the jocks.  Even though I related to an aspect of each group, there were other aspects of the groups that didn’t fit me and many of my own aspects that didn’t fit them.  Grappling with the teen angst, I remembered wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal”  and subscribe to one of those groups.

While journaling about my conundrum one evening, I dragged out the dictionary and looked up the definition of normal.  I was surprised that the terms (not deviating, conforming, standard, regular) used to describe what I thought I desperately wanted to be, were what I simply couldn’t aspire to being.   Then I realized that the desire to be “normal” must be an oxymoron for a lot of other people, too.  The problem with “being normal” is that many of us don’t want to be just  “average” but we don’t want to be seen as a “weirdo” either – we want acceptance, we want to fit-in but we also need to be allowed to be ourselves.  I’ve pondered the topic ever since the teen journaling years so this post is likely to be a series on the topic because while I thought I had found a comfortable place, the use of social media has forced the issue anew.   So here I am grappling with finding the right balance of fitting-in vs. daring to show my authentic and transparent self with the similar angst about the risks of ridicule and rejection.  My first paragraph was a huge leap  so if you’re reading this, I took a deep breath and hit the publish button.  If you can relate, please join me in exploring what normal, fitting-in, authentic and transparent mean to you.

Join in the discussion with a comment or read on to part 2.

What does the right mix look like?

What are the risks?

How much of ourselves  should be revealed in order to be to be transparent and authentic?

How much is too much?

Do You Have a Water Cooler Rap Sheet?

When people would complain I would give them an ear, and when the complaints morphed into a bitch-fest, the younger me might even happily join them.  But as soon as the rants turned to gossip, I would disappear.  I don’t think that anyone really knew how I felt about it;  I guess my approach was a bit like the military’s don’t ask/don’t tell policy.  I was blissfully happy not to know about the swirling dirt but I also realized that not being “clued-in” could potentially put me at a political disadvantage.  I decided that I would have to live with the handicap.

The first Christmas after my divorce in 1994, my friend and admin at the time came over to help me put up my tree.  The work was pretty tiring but we kibbitzed about a little of everything, laughed, and drank wine the whole time.  It was well after midnight when exhaustion and a snoot full of wine got her to gossiping.  I was able to change the subject several times but she would return to the next bit of scoop.  On a whim, it occurred to me that if I couldn’t escape the gossip, I should ask what people are saying about me.  To my astonishment, she lit up and said, “Ohhh…yeah, there’s one about you, and it’s a doozie”.  She went on to chuckle and tell me that anyone who knew me would find it absurdly funny or  set the record straight or both, as she did.

Whether you chose to engage in the water cooler gossip or disengage from it,  you cannot avoid making the rap sheet – it’s where your reputation is formed.  Sure, it’s helpful to have friends that will take your back if you are ever a gossip victim.  The more  serious consideration is, “it’s hard to play in the dirt without getting dirty” – and we rarely know who our friends are when careers or promotions are at stake.  If we stay and play in the swirling dirt, we need to be prepared for the water cooler rap to become a messy mud bath.

• Do you stay for the juicy gossip and if so, are you able to resist the pressure to comment or contribute?

• How often does criticism of management get back to them, including who said it?

• Have you ever had something that you said to “trusted” colleagues come back to bite you?

Is There a Formula for Job and Life Succcess?

JobLife Architects want to know… can job achievement and life happiness co-exist a well-adjusted and fulfilled person?

A 72 year-old study provides us with a glimpse into some of the answers.  Harvard researchers began following 268 (male sophomores including John F. Kennedy and Ben Bradlee) who entered Harvard in the late 1930s.  These were men that already “had it made” by most societal standards.  But the study’s goal was not to see how the well-adjusted, affluent and educated would fare, but rather, to see how their lives would play out and what factors really impacted happiness or success over time.  The study was followed these men for 72 years, allowing data to be gathered as the study participants went through life stages beginning with their sophomore year of college and (including for some: war, careers, marriages and divorces, parenthood and grandparenthood, and now for those still alive, old age)  up to death. Here, for the first time, we can learn from one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history, The Grant Study delves deeply into what really matters at the end of each day and at the end of our lives.

David Brooks writes of the study in his Opinion article “They Had It Made” published in “The New York Times” and summarizes:  ” A third of the men would suffer at least one bout of mental illness. Alcoholism would be a running plague. The most mundane personalities often produced the most solid success. One man couldn’t admit to himself that he was gay until he was in his late 70s.   Author Joshua Wolf Shenk was permitted access to the study archives – his findings and thoughts are published in “The Atlantic” in an essay, “What Makes Us Happy?”

The articles beg the questions that only we can answer for ourselves:

At the end of our days and lives we will only have deathbed regrets if we discover that we spent our lives living someone else’s idea of success.

What does success mean to you?

• Is success more about material goods, achievement, happiness or some mix thereof?

What is the cost of living a life unexamined?

• How might taking the time for reflection and self-awareness have benefited the Grant Study participants who seemingly had it all?
  

See “Who is Defining Your Success” Part I to begin to define your own ideas of success.

What Does Career Satisfaction “Look Like” to You?

Are you happy with your job or where your career is going?

If not – why not?

“It’s not enough to keep busy. [People] want to have meaning in their lives and they want work to give them that meaning.”

Richard Bolles, “What Color Is Your Parachute? “

To begin to hone in on the root of your motivation or dissatisfaction, grab a sheet of paper and:

1.  Draw a line down the center to create two columns.

2. Jot notes in each column as you review the bullets below.

Column 1: What’s Satisfying?

List what you ARE getting that meets your needs and values.

Column 2: What’s Missing?

Note what you are NOT currently getting that you want, need, or value.

Note the impact of the following in the “satisfying” or “missing” columns:

Corporate
• Company reputation/advertising
• Products and services
• Resources or materials to do your job
• Budget or expense account
• Other: ___________________________

Fiscal
• Base salary
• Incentive plan/bonus opportunities
• Health, life, disability insurance benefits
• Paid vacation, personal/sick, holiday time
• 401k or retirement plan or stock options
• Child/elder care
• Other: ___________________________

Personal
• Work/life balance
• Preference for routine or random (locations/people)
• Alignment with personal values (service, money/material, belonging, self-actualization, etc.)
• Career development and/or promotion opportunities
• Other: ___________________________

Interpersonal
• Helpful and supportive management
• Need for autonomy or teamwork
• Persuading, influencing, or leading others
• Exposure to diverse styles, beliefs, ethnics, values
• Harmonious or challenging environment
• Other: ___________________________

As you go through the exercise, take time to really reflect on the work and environment that you found motivating, nuturing, stimulating.

Think about all the jobs you’ve held in your career to see if you can identify any trends while answering:
• What drew you to each company?
• What made you stay?
• What motivated you to leave?

When you have completed this exercise, you will have a list of you want, need, and value as deal “makers” for career satisfaction and clarity around deal “breakers” to avoid.

No Pink Slip Surprises

Imagine hearing the words, “We have to let you go.”

Those words strike fear into the hearts and minds of most on the receiving end of them. What would you do if you were laid off tomorrow?  Few people retire without losing at least one job along the way.  In reality, every job is temporary!  A right between-the-eyes tagline used by the good folks at CAREEREALISM. Right Management research revealed that 54% of employees were “involuntarily separated” from their jobs.   Losing a job is a life-changing experience, but it does not have to be a disaster, and today – it definitely should not be a surprise!

Whether you have already lost your job or just want to begin troubleshooting and managing your life, the late, great, Arthur Ashe overcame adversity and managed a brilliant career by following a maxim that he often quoted, “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” In other words, actively leverage everything within your control. Focusing on what you can control means that you cannot always make yourself layoff-proof, but you can improve the speed, odds and overall success of your job search. Some sources claim that employees should expect to change jobs every 18 to 24 months! So, if your employment is not fully within your control, it’s time to take the reins back by undertaking a serious career management focus.

Begin by asking yourself, “If I got a pink slip tomorrow”…

1. Is my resume updated, refined, and ready to go?
2. Do I have a list of target companies that I would like to work for?
3. What is the size and quality of my network? Who could I call tomorrow?
4. How long could I stay unemployed without undue hardship?

I just attended yet another industry meeting where people about to be downsized are scrambling to begin  online networking with LinkedIn.  Their excuse of job and family responsibilites leaving them with no time to network is a valid but not when put into perspective…focus on job and family to the exclusion of networking can leave you jobless and unable to support yourself or family!  Consider the fact that a job search used to take most people 9 – 18 months but has now become far longer and 42% of people found their new jobs through networking contacts. Those on the receiving end of the pink slip surprise agree that the day after getting a pink slip is not the day to start updating a resume or building a network.

I’m saddened by the number of missing-in-action colleagues that have called me over the past two years because they are out of work networking.  Many of my colleagues report being alienated by the flurry of  MIA former colleagues and friends – seeing their calls as purely superficial and self-serving – and often they are!  I see them as a call to action and awareness to those that are employed and oblivious.  Do you know anyone that would be on the rude awakening end of a pink slip surprise today?  If so, please encourage them to read this to begin considering the important implications of complacency.

Anyone who hasn’t been on the job market for the past 2 – 3 years is in for a bit of a shock regarding how the rules and complexity of the job search have changed. Becoming active in industry associations is often not enough; checking out free resources on this website, and joining the LinkedIn  JobLife Architects group for tips, discussions and career newsfeeds, are just a few of the things that you can do to stay current and begin to proactively manage your career.

So what will you do today to “start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can, to begin actively managing your career? Take charge – there’s no such thing as a pink slip surprise when you’re ready.

What else would you tell people about the need to be prepared?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a pink slip surprise?

What lessons learned or or “how-tos” advice can you share?

Wake Up Call

This is a tale of two people named Chris who don’t know each other but are about to to get a “wake up” call.

Chris #1 is a busy working mom who has learned to juggle with the best of them.

She’s the woman that everyone shakes their head in amazement about when wondering how she pulls everything off and always seems pulled together. That was, until the day that a ringing phone changed her life…she had barely said, “hello” when her mother sobbed, “your brother is dead”. Chris was in shock as her mother provided the details and asked her to take charge of the funeral arrangements.

While writing her brother’s eulogy, Chris had a profound realization – her brother’s life was over and hers never really started. She married young, took the first job offer out of college and just seemed to fall into every job afterward.  The profound loss of her brother was further deepened by the fact that he had taken work that he didn’t like in order to stay afloat and had never used his gifts as a cartoonist – now that hope was forever lost.  Chris couldn’t continue writing when the page became too wet with tears.  As she looked up from the paper she felt a wash of panic…would she too, die with her song in her heart?

Chris #2 is a busy sales professional whose territory is large and days are long.

Chris is  a high performer who always makes the sales award trips and maximizes his bonus allowing his wife to be a full time mother to their four month old baby. Chris works long days and is a very involved father leaving him with very little discretionary time.  He makes the occasional half-hearted joke about dreading Mondays but he really loves his job.

One particular Monday as Chris was packing the car and checking voice mail, he picked up a message from his manager alerting him of an ad hoc teleconference at 3:00 that afternoon. Chris rescheduled his 2:30 appointment and went to a local coffee shop to call in to the teleconference. It was then that he learned that he would lose his job due to a downsizing. Chris sat in stunned silence long after the call ended.  After taking some time to collect himself and gulping a cup of coffee to clear his head, Chris began to troubleshoot.  “At least the coffee shop was a WiFi hot spot -  if he could explore a few job boards and identify opportunities, it might soften the news for his wife” he thought. Then an after-shock set in; “Oh, man…I haven’t updated my resume for years” he remembered – then, for a second time in a short time, he felt his heart sink into his stomach.  Chris put his head in his hands.  He was flooded with emotion; dread about starting a job search from scratch and anxiety about how long his family might have no income.

Chris #1 and #2 are united in looking at life with fresh eyes. Life’s shocks have a way of shaking us awake.  Becoming a JobLife Architect means not waiting for trauma or drama but proactively answering the tough questions.

What is the unsung song in your heart?

Are you prepared to lose your job tomorrow?

What would you be thinking, feeling, or doing DIFFERENTLY …if you got those wake up calls TODAY?